Enough to Make You Domino Vomit

Enough to Make You Domino Vomit by Roxanne McDonald

…And make you realize you’re in Hell!

Uhhh, did you not read the signs?

Anyway, I was thinking as I readied myself for “Hell’s Kitchen” episode 4 that the best way to recap is to be brief, to succinctly report what typically happens on the show

using a handy template, as follows:

Somebody complains.
Somebody backstabs somebody else.
Ramsay shakes his head left to right in disgust.
Vinnie goes off and then Ramsay goes off on Vinnie.
Jen is warned to stay away from the bins tonight; Vinnie is told he and the chef will need to get together with a box of Quaaludes; and all remaining cheftestants are reminded they have a lot to learn.

Team Challenge
Julia and Brad are up first for a palate test. Those watching scoff. Chef Ramsay scoffs. Julia and Brad each correctly identify two of three foods.

Bonnie and Josh get fitted with their deprivation gear, but Bonnie says she can hear. She also answers after adjustments are made, so the conspiracy theories begin…and continue after she nails all three items, identifying them in the same exact language Ramsay had announced them to us.

Red: 5; Blue: 3

It’s up to Vinnie. Groan.

Blue loses…again.

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Smart Enough to Say When

Smart Enough to Say When by Roxanne McDonald

She was one question short of a million dollars, and it turned out she knew the answer, but marketing maven Stephanie smart enough to talk a half-million and walk.

So she had to flunk out in front of a zillion people. So she knew the answer to the 5th grade question she opted not to see or try before she flunked out. Stephanie W. was a whip, didn’t use all her cheats, and is now a half-million bucks

richer…for answering ten questions in under an hour. Pretty good day’s wages.

Following are her questions…, after the former pre-med student, Andy, finishes his brief visit to fifth grade:

Andy’s last few questions

First Grade U.S. Geography
1. The U.S. state of Hawaii is located in which ocean?

Second Grade Grammar
2. The following sentence contains how many possessive pronouns?
“Alana let Jacob ride her bike because his had a flat tire.”

Third Grade World Geography
3. What is the capital of the United Kingdom?

Stephanie’s questions

First Grade Animal Science
4. True or false? Brown bears can be found in the wild in North America.

First Grade Math
5. A rectangle has how many sides?

Second Grade Astronomy
6. True or false? Meteor showers can occur when the earth passes through the dust of a comet’s tail.

Third Grade Art
7. What U. S. city is home to the Metropolitan Museum of Art?

Second Grade U.S. Geography
8. Kyle and Jacob hop in a car in San Francisco, California, and start driving due East. What is the first state they will pass into?

Fifth Grade Health
9. In the 1950s, Dr. Jonas Salk developed a vaccine that would protect people from what disease?

Fourth Grade Life Science
10. In humans, bone marrow produces which of the following types of blood cells?
a. red blood cells
b. white blood cells
c. both red and white blood cells

Fourth Grade World Geography
11. Sweden’s longest land border is with what other country?

Fifth Grade World History
12. What Egyptian queen was the wife of Roman general Mark Antony?

Third Grade Cultural Studies
13. What building is the official London residence of Queen Elizabeth II?

Million-dollar Question: Fifth Grade Music
14. In the 1720s, what man composed a [set] of concertos known as The Four Seasons?

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Lazy Legs and the Plus-sized Pussycat Dolls

Lazy Legs and the Plus-sized Pussycat Dolls by Roxanne McDonald

You might think there’d be nothing new in the way the judges critique the kinds of typical contestants for “America’s Got Talent.” But the fourth installment had a couple of intriguing if not evocative twists.

I am on record as finding “America’s Got Talent” to be a horrible hybrid, a pitiful impersonation, an unnecessary knock-off of Idol + Gong Show.

But treatment number 4 not only surprised me but brought me to that place usually reserved for really good reality TV

talent, romance, or drama.

So there was a contortionist who was so skilled that he elicited several eeews from the crowd as well as the judges.

There was seductive singing group one, who fell short, and seductive singing group two, who wowed the hell out of us with their outfits matching their mutated style (shoo-bop meets hip hop), and a few really bad and another few quite good solo singers.

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How Do You Know You are Naïve When You are Naïve?

How Do You Know You’re Naïve When You’re Naïve? by Roxanne McDonald

Just curious. Though the kittens of “Age of Love” apparently could care less.

The second installment of “Age of Love” inspired so many questions—such as the how do you know you’re in denial when you are in denial question. Kind of along the lines of why would a woman claim to be looking for an “intellectual challenge” and then pursue this particular bachelor…even after meeting him and sitting through the

crickets-louder- than-the- conversation-which-is-almost-nil scenes?
Maybe these newcomers, or even Mark, are on the wrong show? Maybe more their speed would be Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?

Anyway.

After we at home are forced to sit through a re-run of the first episode, the second brings on the babes…or the “younger choices,” as host Mark (oh, I am confused already with two Marks) points out in his pointing out the obvious way.

Lauren is first to meet Mark, the thus far good sport. She is 25 and says she always gets what she wants.

Amanda is 25 and been through a lot already. (Just wait till you’re 40 and look back on how mean you were about “old” women. Hahahahaha. I’d love to be there to kick your pills out of reach.) Her most original concern is to find a man who doesn’t play games. Oh, don’t make me get out the dictionary.

Mary is 24 and says she is fun-loving. She also, she confides, stutters when she is nervous. She doesn’t up the excitement value of the show, but does tell her fellows that she did NOT do a good JOB. What job? You said hello, he looked at your youthful boobs. Done.

Tessa is 23. She may not be the brightest light in the night, but she inspired this week’s title question, and, besides, SHE thinks she is all that: says she is funny, says she has “great thoughts” (like Schweitzer’s? Kierkegaard’s? Sartre’s?). She needs an intellectual challenge she explicitly states, implying, I guess, that she believes she might just very well find it in this guy. What’s that saying? Don’t take your bucket to an empty well?

Megan is 21. Jesus, we’re regressing quickly, here. But we are also made privy to the second one to inspire such queries: she says that people judge her for being young, and that she may be naïve, but in her mind she doesn’t know that. [pause]. Okay…, what? There are so many things wrong with this statement that I can barely get past the kind of discussion that feels compelled to say that her thinking is “in her mind”. Like one who is a great poet with great feelings deep inside. Megan needs to chat with Tessa.

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Gene Simmons: Ubermunsch

Gene Simmons: Ubermunsch by Roxanne McDonald

Even his kids and longtime love poke healthy, loving fun at his self-proclaimed superiority.

It was therefore that much fun to watch the reprisal of “Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels” this weekend—a re-run of several of the reality TV installments (run again to promote excitement for the next season–Simmons getting extension for his second most-watched reality show on A&E).

Just as interesting the second time around were the

highlighted ego trips to Self-aggrandizement City, the showcased successful attitudes, adventures, and ventures, and the behind-the-scenes good-humored parodies of the KISS legend with that long old tongue.

As he told the therapist in an appointment Shannon won at auction, money is not important, it is THE most important thing. So while Shannon is concerned with his eating disorder, his habit of folding t.p. into little squares, and his lack of desire to marry or have any more kids, Gene is concerned with ways to make even MORE money.

He launches the Gene Simmons Bikini Car Wash, establishes the Gene Simmons Fetish Beauty Pageant, and creates several other ventures with his name attached.

After all, his name is what sells the product or service, his name is what confirms for him his legendary status, and his name is what perpetuates his belief in his own godliness.

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Bye-bye Ballroomer and Hip Ballet Dancer: Second Eliminations on So You Think You Can Dance

Bye-bye Ballroomer and Hip Ballet Dancer: Second Eliminations on So You Think You Can Dance by Roxanne McDonald

The world (or, America) is all atumble at the decisions to let Faina and Jimmy go.

My colleagues and mentors at the college where I put in a decade of work would be horrified I spend my days fixated on this stuff.

But the trend being talent-oriented competitions and my penchant being for pop culture in general and reality TV in particular (okay…, any TV), I feel compelled to at least give recap attention to “So You Think You Can Dance?” if not in

any way an intelligent or even funny review. (I’ll leave that to the hilarious writers at Reality Shack and Fans of Reality TV.)
You know the initial drill: Cat makes introductions (including this week’s guest judge, choreographer Mia Michaels), the group dances as a whole, and the judges comment on the debacle that was the previous week—conveniently blaming America for this or that, etc..

Then, thankfully, the remaining contestants dance…after giving lip service to the redundancy that is why do you want, how did you come to want, etc. questioning.

Lauren and Neil dance a Hip Hop number, as choreographed by Dave Scott. They do some pretty impressive moves, but I am stupidly stuck on how much Neil looks like Blake from the latest season of American Idol.

Mia comments how this is a helluva lot better than last week. She notes how she loves Dave’s chorography—which “breathes”, which “moves”; and tells Neil he tore this piece up, while she could have done without Lauren, as she is not quite bringin it for her, yet.
Mary said last week she was cheerleader, but this week there is a chemistry starting to happen. They are starting to get on solid ground, she says, and adds that she loved the smack, the suspended dive, and the overall performance.
Nigel loved it from both of them. He also loved David’s choreography, and told the couple they have set the bar for everybody else who will have to get up and dance outside their style.

Jessi and Pasha do a Jazz routine, as choreographed by Tyce DiOrio.

Mia gushes that she is so proud.
Mary says it’s going to be one of those nights: they way Jessi isolates the head, the way she moves, making us just want to latch onto her, the way Pasha made us feel the stalking, the way he was always there for Jessi. Both of them, she says, are gorgeous.
Nigel says that it is beautiful to see…from a Latin ballroom to an idiosyncratic bird routine, and he believes they are on the road to becoming one of the top dance couples of the competition.

Jaime and Hok do the Samba, as choreographed by Jean-Marc and his wife France Genereux.

Mia prefaces her critique by saying that while she is usually such a nightmare, tonight she must have drunk from the love juice cup, as she feels they tore it up. The hips going were especially sexy, she adds.
Mary jokes that she obviously was not drinking from the same cup, as while she found some good bits in there she doesn’t think they have yet cut the mustard: feet were not turned out when they should have been; feet were turned out too far when they should not have been….
Nigel thinks it was a great performance, but wholeheartedly agrees with Mary. He suggests when they [the show] say they are doing a Samba, they should better pin down the details…that there is a closer holding of each other, that it is more old-fashioned. But the dancers were not asked to do that, he concedes, so while it was not technically perfect, it was done well enough.

Sabra and Dominick do a Contemporary dance, choreographed by Mandy Moore.

Mia is about to cry. She expresses how beautiful Dominick was, and tells Sabra she is like this beautiful little [and again I don’t get the reference—Allee?] girl…just stunning.
Mary calls their performance fabulous, great, what with all the intricate hooks and rollovers. She tells Sabra she is a heavenly creature when she dances—unique and different; and she tells Dominick he is a force to be reckoned with.
Nigel tells Sabra she is one of those who sometimes slips through the net: they don’t see her, he says, but when she is solo…. With a partner, she is, he continues, amazing. To Dominick he expresses how impressed he is by how seriously the kid takes this…even going so far as to shave his toes. But, but, he adds, there is also sometimes that arrogance that doesn’t allow him to be anything other than the best thing since sliced bread. [Okay, I said I was going to refrain from being snarky, but now I’m hungry: we have had love juice and mustard and now bread. Only analogy item missing is the meat.) This dance/competition requires deliberation, though, and that’s all they can ask for, Nigel concludes.

Faina and Cedric do a Foxtrot choreographed by Hunter Johnson.

Mia shows her disappointment, and tells them she thinks they got through it—but it looked like Ginger Rogers and an insecure Michael Jackson. Too bad, because Cedric is her second favorite, brilliant, but he has to take the next step up, she advises, because he is better than that. To Faina she says how beautiful she was, but it wasn’t “copacetic”.
Mary believes Cedric is wonderful on his own but not with a partner. In this style, too, his hands were all wrong, and when they tried to throw in Hip-Hop for him, they got it all wrong, she says. Faina was beautiful, however, and should have been, Mary adds, for this is after all Faina’s field.
Nigel confesses he has always worried about how Cedric would be with a partner, and tonight is justified: Cedric appeared anxious, without charisma, and needs to invest to win.

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Top 10 Should-be TV

Top 10 Should-be TV by Roxanne McDonald

I was just thinking again how much I miss certain television shows that I wish they would bring back in repeat….

Granted, there are DVD compilations, there is Nick at Night, and there is now online TV, but I would like to feel as if I have been wooshed back in my time machine and am

watching TV on my—imagine—TV!

Top Ten I Wish were Back

1. “The Prisoner” – Too many people I describe this show to (offline) think I am out of my gourd, not even believing there ever was such as show where a man is trapped in an Orwellian “The Village,” and where, among many such devices, a giant balloon is the security for and the nemesis to No. 6. (Thanks to the Internet, I can verify the existence of a show I once thought I imagined, dreamed, or mis-remembered.) And if I may cheat, along similar lines and tied for first place, here, I would love to see “The Fugitive” – sexy series, bold escapes, Kafkaesque conceit.

2. “The Mod Squad” – One black, one white, one blonde.

3. Batman – not the cartoon, not the movie(s), the series. Wanananananana….

4. “Six Feet Under” –yes it shows up on Bravo in re-run, sometimes, but I need much more consistency…and much more intelligent and unique programming. And here I wish to slip in my cry for the return of “Nip/Tuck”! Or just parade Christian out on screen once an hour on the hour.

5. “The Nanny and the Professor” – The accents, the kids, even the single father in his sixties style and habitat – if we can’t have “The Ghost and Mrs. Muir”…if we can’t have “Topper”.

6. “Family Affair” – Oh that Jody, and that little Buffy with her Mrs. Beasley. Plus, Sebastian Cabot is brilliant and Brian Keith was hot in a husky always on the verge of being an abusive surrogate parent way.

7. “Celebrity Poker Showdown” –Very few celebreality shows are as engaging…and hilarious. (And if reality shows don’t count for this list, replace my request with “Taxi”.)

8. “Arrested Development” – which actually should be higher on the list…. That’ll teach ‘em. Well, okay, my little opinion won’t teach crap, but….

9. “Head of the Class” —Say what you will, but I not only loved Howard Hessman and then Billy Connelly, but I came to regard the AP class members as fondly as so many (too many) regard the cast of “…90210” or “Malibu Shores.”
10. “Thirty Something” – I liked it.

And, while I have run out of slots, where the hell is “Identity”? And don’t get me started on those shows cancelled way too prematurely: “Raines”; “Andy, P.I.”; and “Thank God You’re Here”, among others.

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Bye-bye Birdies: First Eliminations on So You Think You Can Dance

Bye-bye Birdies: First Eliminations on So You Think You Can Dance by Roxanne McDonald

Well, the birds didn’t go, so I suppose it is better to suggest it takes two to Tango off the Competition floor?

The top 20 had been paired and had danced for Mary Murphy, Nigel Lythgoe, and guest judge, choreographer Dan Karaty.

Jaime and Hok did a Hip Hop routine, as choreographed by Shane Sparks.

To me (who knows almost nothing of dance), the two had practiced heartily, for their efforts showed in their tandem performance.

Dan said the fun tricks were fun to watch.
Mary said Hok was outstanding in what he does and Jaime, who couldn’t keep up with Hok, might be forgettable at the end of the day.
Nigel disagrees saying that he thought that some of the choreography missing Hok’s style and holding Hok back—which maybe Shane did for Jaime, Nigel speculates—but he thought Jaime did keep up.

Danny and Anya had danced the Jive, as choreographed by Tony Meredith.

Mary said they took a very impressive seat on the Hot Tamale Train.
Nigel said that what was great was that they look great as partners; Danny kept up with Anya; and Anya shows everybody how to be a technician as well as a performer.

Lacey and Kameron did a Contemporary number, as choreographed by Mia Michaels. Cat Deeley said she got the first chills of the season, and I know what she means: I use the goose bump factor to gauge my personal reception of performances. I got ‘em too.

Dan told Lacey that while she was hoping to get half of Mia’s vision, she got the whole thing, he thought. He then told Kameron he was Lacey’s prop, which suggested not a good thing, apparently.
Mary, however, said Kam was much more than a prop and that both of them brought the hair right up off her arms. She added that Lacey was a surprise who sparked emotions, and thanked Lacey for that.
Nigel agreed with Dan, though, saying Lacey was the star of that show with her leaps and jumps, while Kameron, he said, was there every single time. He had added that he just wanted to see more of the relationship story, for to him it was like watching The Sopranos and missing out on the end.

Sabra and Dominick did Disco, choreographed by Doriana Sanchez.
Dan said that while the outfits were hysterical, the performance was good…not great. He added that the audience gave energy that helped Dom and Sabra along. Dan also speaks to the nostalgia of season one, where nobody, he said, was better at this than Nick Lazzarini [the season 1 winner].
Mary was impressed that a B-Boy was out there doing that, and said it was good. She asks rhetorically if it was supposed to be corny, and then answers herself, saying “absolutely”. She also added a compliment to “Little Miss Sunshine” with her “perfect” hair and all.
Nigel was surprised at Dan’s critique, and reminded everyone this was Dominick’s first time dancing with a partner. He also reminded us how that one lift took Baby and Swayze a whole summer to master, and told Dominick that “Damn,” he looked like John Leguizamo in The Summer of Sam.

Ashlee and Ricky had danced the Tango, choreographed by Alex DaSilva.

Dan had said it was supposed to be really sexy…and it wasn’t. He claimed a mother could have danced that with her son and been more convincing. The couple did the choreography well, he added, but nothing was going on for the two, he thought.
Mary agreed with Dan, and said that while the two looked sizzling but the dance wasn’t right.
Nigel had also begun to harp on how Ashlee looked so much bigger than Ricky and that made for bad chemistry and highlighted how difficult a routine it was for the partners they had been given.
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Gonna Be Some Heavy Tithing This Week

Gonna Be Some Heavy Tithing This Week by Roxanne McDonald

Pastor Ben sowed some impressive rows in fifth grade this week, and his church family will reap the rewards.

The church community needs that prize money, says Pastor Ben, for the people have limited funds and therefore limited numbers of supportive community programs.

Thanks to his smarts and his strategic decision to not be greedy, Pastor Ben will get to give…a lot.

Here are the questions Ben answered, with his church family sitting in the congregation, er, audience, watching and cheering him on:
First Grade Grammar
1. What is the abbreviation in the following sentence? “The class voted for Mr. Foxworthy as Teacher of the Year.”

First Grade U.S. Geography
2. Alana went on a trip to see Everglades National Park. What state did she go to?

Second Grade Astronomy
3. True or false? The planet Jupiter has a larger mass than Earth.

Second Grade World Geography
4. What city is the capital of Japan?

Third Grade Animal Science
5. True or false? The Orca is a type of dolphin.

Third Grade World History
6. According to the Ancient Roman calendar, the Ides of March falls on what day in March?

Fifth Grade Earth Science
7. By definition, an anemometer measures the speed of what?

Fifth Grade U.S. History
8. When Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, who was the president of the United States? [paraphrased question, here]

Fourth Grade U.S. Measurements
9. On a map, if one inch equals 20 miles, how many inches equal 180 miles?

Fourth Grade Cultural Studies
10. Who was the Greek god of wine?

The questions new contestant Andy, a former pre-med student, took on, for starters (to be continued next week):
First Grade Health
11. True or false? The esophagus is a passageway that connects the mouth to the nose.

Second Grade Earth Science
12. A man-made lake created for the purpose of storing water is called what?
a) channel
b) reservoir
c) isthmus

Fourth Grade Math
13. What is the product of 2/3 and 48?

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Mob Getting Smarter

Mob Getting Smarter by Roxanne McDonald

I should know. It takes quite a sharp wit to recap a Q & A game show such as “1 vs. 100.”

Hey, give me a break. Sometimes I need to go into relaxed mode, and sometimes you need the results of the equivalent of one of the best trivia games on TV.

Tonight, the mob of 100 contains three summa cum laudes, four professional wrestlers, nine beauty pageant winners,

eight Trekkies, and Sister Rose, a sweet and stoic nun who is playing for The Daughters of St Paul Retired Sisters Fund. There you go: there’s something I bet you never though of—how lay people live after “retirement”.

In addition, by the time the second contestant is on his fifth question, the mom is composed of 73% of the remaining 73 mobsters having college degrees. So you can feel for the man when he can’t seem to stump the mob all that easily.

Anyway, here are questions for both contestants this week.

1. Monique, returning from last week, is 1 vs. 68

What crime shares its name with the world’s best-selling video game series?
a) Breaking and Entering b) Grand Theft Auto c) Malicious Mischief

2. 1 vs. 68
The celebrity couple known by what name has not appeared in a movie together?
a) Brangelina b) TomKat c) Vaughniston

3. 1 vs. 65
If the Ancient Romans had a hit game show pitting one person against 100 strangers, what would its title be?
a) I vs. L b) I vs. X c) I vs. C

4. New contestant Jonathan, as 1 vs. 100
Ellen Degeneres was the voice of Dory in the 2003 animated hit featuring what?
a) fish b) toys c) monsters

5. 1 vs. 100
Which of the seven deadly sins is the game character Mz. Pacman most guilty of?
a) gluttony b) envy c) sloth

6. 1 vs. 95
In the classic Roald Dahl tale, a boy named James crawls inside a giant what?
a) fruit with a husk b) fruit with a pit c) fruit from a vine

7. 1 vs. 87
What is Judge Judy’s last name?
a) Sheindlin b) Hatchett c) Wapner

8. 1 vs. 73
Which is not one of the fifty ways to leave your lover listed by Paul Simon in his famous song?
a) slip out the back, Jack b) make a new plan, Stan c) hire an attorney, Ernie

9. 1 vs. 70
According to your GPS, you’re at 0 degrees longitude and 0 degrees latitude. Where are you?
a) North Pole b) Equator c) South Pole

10. 1 vs. 53
Which animal is not indigenous to Africa?
a) the mascot of Toys R Us b) the mascot of MGM c) the mascot of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes

11. 1 vs. 47
Steve Miller’s “Fly Like an Eagle” would most likely be the theme song of what Greek character?
a) Icarus b) Oedipus c) Orpheus

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Viewers Voice Complaints about The Next Best Thing

Viewers Voice Complaints about “The Next Best Thing” by Roxanne McDonald

I didn’t know I was so alone in loving “The Next Best Thing”—but I am glad to find others are disappointed in lack of information outside of air times.

LACK of VERIFIABLE INFO

The first and most frustrating thing is that we have nowhere to go to verify the results as they occur on each of the audition episodes. The official website is still in the gestation stage, only offering a summary/teaser of the show, its contents, and the four names—of the judges and the host.

This leads to the next discussion, of the message boards on the site. The first couple of weeks, there were so few posts dealing directly with “The Next Best Thing” that refugee AMC [I assume “All My Children”] fans, who had apparently “lost” their boards, flocked to what they deemed a “ghost” board site.

JUDGES’ QUALIFICATIONS

Once those who were actually watching the show started posting, though, the discussions picked up. Unfortunately, and in opposition to my general regard for “The Next Best Thing,” people were dismissing this summer “crap” because they didn’t appreciate the judges’ humor, didn’t think the

judges were “old” enough to value the older-than-they contestants/characters [I think this was in reference to the yodeling Patsy Montana], and because in general they found the show to be a waste of their precious TV-viewing time.

But drilling deeper and most recently into the discussion, I came away with more specific, more articulate concerns—those commented on and explained by a most knowledgeable lvegas1966.

First, let’s acknowledge that the assumptions, the inferences, the speculations that hold that shills or beards for a show could and do read and participate on the show’s boards…so it is possible that lvegas1966 is part of the “Next Best Thing” production to some capacity or other. This makes sense, as I know of instances where agents (not as in law) of productions have not only read but responded to some TV Robot articles my colleague wrote a while back, for example. These people have also identified themselves.

But anyway.

Whether lvegas is part of or a viewer of, he/she is most thoughtful, knowledgeable, and even pretty forgiving and patient when it comes to the other knee-jerk posters.

My point is that amidst the theories and complaints, or in spite of the lack of valid, verifiable info elsewhere, I was lucky enough to happen upon some interesting “trivia”, if you will:

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Viva la Vegas Loca

Viva la Vegas Loca by Roxanne McDonald

Thanks to some gutsy auditioners and some caraaazy editing, the final auditions episode in Las Vegas is a blast.

In fact, as I ready myself to announce the semi-finalists, I realize that the crazy and speedy delivery of audition material is going to leave my list wanting.

I know, I know, that TiVo system my friends bought me for Xmas two years ago could get hooked up and I would then have nothing to complain about when it comes to missing

vital information. Until I can afford to do that, however, I have to try to keep up with the speedy announcements as best I can and offer here the results I have found thus far:
Not only does host, Michelle Merkin, remind us of the criteria (the look, the voice, the overall performance), but the first auditioner we are shown tells us impersonation requires working on the persona and the physicality.

He does such a great Jay Leno he is passed through to the next round. Elon says it is eerie, as they have all done The Tonight Show, and though he requests more of the high and low (both of which he displays for us), the guy is on to the semi-finals.

Rick James # ten million, Janis Joplin (not shown auditioning), Ozzie Osbourne (doing, of all songs, Patsy Cline’s “Crazy”), and Garth Brooks all horrify the judges.

Oprah Winfrey and John Travolta (who Lisa Ann calls a kind of Mini-me Travolta) fail to impress. And then a Barbra Streisand does impress—with what the judges see is amazing physicality, look, and even talk-alike elements (though I found her singing off in several places).

Billy Idol will be dancing with himself, and Austin Powers minus the British accent will be doing something else by himself. Lisa Ann says anybody can do the two bits Elon asks for (“Yeah, baby,” and “Oh, behave”) and says that even she can…and does.

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Charm School and the Unnecessary Recap

“Charm School” and the Unnecessary Recap by Roxanne McDonald

Production decides to recap what we have seen thus far (in “Charm School’s Wildest Moments” episode)…before the show has finished.

And I add to the redundancy.

From what I recall of my Shakespeare studies, the bard would repeat material, because the audiences were so loud and rambunctious the chances were pretty good they would miss something the first time around.

But as fun to watch as “Charm School” is, it aint Shakespeare…and we are not the ones who need the recap.
I know, I know, it is a strategic decision on the part of the producers—to either stall (I think) and drag out the season or to hype the upcoming finale.

How many times we need to see chicks fighting or hear an expert in etiquette admonish them is in question…though the one redeeming effect of the retrospective (and hence my saving grace concession) is that it includes never-before-seen takes.

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Celebrity Fit Club: Anti-climactic Finale

Celebrity Fit Club: Anti-climactic Finale by Roxanne McDonald

Dustin trumps up the trouble again, but this time seems less satisfied with the outcome.

Seeing how his team won and all. Seeing how he lost thirty pounds but did so his way, with lots of fatty foods topped with a fat burner or two.

But before the sometimes livening up of the show by Mr. Porn, the celebs—all looking seriously different from the day they first arrived and on teams just 1% apart in

results–weigh in for the last time:

Brat looks absolutely stunning (the only one to me who looks younger with less weight)!
She was 151; had a goal weight of 145.
She’s now 146, having lost 5 more pounds—for a total of 26 pounds and 15.1% of her starting weight.

Tiffany looks hot enough that Harvey says he hasn’t felt this good since he was 18 and getting off the plane.
She was 131; had a goal weight of 127.
She’s now 124, having lost 7 pounds—for a total of 28 pounds.

Ross is so damned cute, and hasn’t lost the funny with the fat.
He shattered his target goal three episodes back.
He’s now 173, having lost another 4 pounds—for a total of 41 pounds and 19.2% of his total body weight.

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Fight or Flight for the Chefs of Hell’s Kitchen

Fight or Flight for the Chefs of Hell’s Kitchen by Roxanne McDonald

Attempts to proudly serve those who serve us segue into fights over leadership, more underestimation calls, and one fallen linesman.

And Chef Ramsey barking out and over those orders all the way.

You always suspect, but you know it’s gonna be good when the episode starts with a fight. Josh and Rock are arguing over who wants to be and who is better fit for being Blue Team leader.

Julia, on the flip side, is talking about how she feels like she is the underdog, and while she wants to win, she knows she has a lot to learn.

After only a few hours of sleep, evidently, the teams are awakened by a special reveille, a wake-up call by the army and navy—those who will be getting the breakfast the chefs have to serve.

Believing in never leaving anyone behind, Rock and Brad help Aaron get dressed…literally. This is a quick foreshadowing, folks, if we didn’t catch that of last week’s.

Ramsey sets the theme/tone for the day, saying that he was utterly disappointed by the previous service performances. Nothing was consistent, and none of them worked together. This is why, he says, for the first time, Hell’s Kitchen will serve breakfast…to some of “America’s finest.” Pause for misty moment.

Julia appropriately responds by getting teary eyed and saying she is honored; and Joanna gets excited in another cliché way…gushing how she just loves men in uniform.

Cluck.

Red will cook for Army; Blue will cook for Navy.
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America’s Got Some Angry Judges

America’s Got Some Angry Judges by Roxanne McDonald

We’ve got a British sweetheart, a UK brat, and a sulking American actor…angry at how some of the most absurd acts are going through.

With the first couple of installments of “America’s Got Talent,” the emphasis at first seemed to be more on the judges than on the talent or their authentic search for it.

But, you can’t blame Hasselhoff for being pissed this week. Just for numbers, just for kicks and ridiculing giggles, I imagine, Sharon and Piers put through a female

impersonator who wouldn’t have made it two steps onto other stages (namely, “The Next Best Thing”). Although they do show decent discretion when buzzing and voting off several other oddball numbers.

Consuelo Campbell tells us she is an academic who is going to incorporate past and present by way of a combined 6th-century Gregorian chant and rasy low Blues and Gospel. But it is all operatic, she moves in strange ways on stage, and is even buzzed on the first note—before she gets a chance to really destroy what she means to create.

She brings up the past, alright, inciting a crowd to act up so badly that we are glad they don’t have any rotten fruit on hand.

Sharon calls the act bizarre, and says that while most performers have a direction, she was all over the place.
Piers says that as she was prancing and shrieking about, he was thinking she looked like Hillary Clinton on acid.
David expected (as many of us did) a really cool style but for him it just turned out like Karaoke night.

Sideswipe is an acrobatic troupe who include in their routine some odd kick-boxing moves.

Sharon liked the aggression and of course, as Jerry Springer suspected, loves their look and swoons over how they “moooove sensationally.” She then gets the audience going when she cheekily adds that if they look this good at 9:30 in the morning, she would love to see how they look after midnight.
Piers tells them if they keep that up they could go all the way in the competition.
David calls them awesome.

Jason Pritchett has wanted to be a Country Western star since he was a kid.

Sharon claims she has certain articles of clothing at home that are older than he is, but she finds him very talented.
Piers says there was nothing wrong with the performance…it was just a bit bland.
David tells him he has a great look, a great sound, a beautiful voice, and great charisma.

Then Piers rushes them into voting, and David says, “Gawd, you are like a bad pastor…. Who made you the boss of the show? Shut up!!”

Terry Fader is a ventriloquist the judges first groan at. But when his doll, Emma Taylor, belts out a stunning Ella Fitzgerald imitation, singing “At Last”, they are blown away.

Sharon Confesses that when he came onstage she was thinking, “Oh, Lordy, Lordy,” but, she says, he is brilliant.
Piers tells them he has genuinely never seen any ventriloquist do an impression of singers. That was good, he says.
David liked it, too, he says, and asks for an a capella encore. Fader, or Taylor, does Ashley Simpson—just opening her mouth with no sound coming out.
So cute: as the guy leaves the stage, his Emma gushes, “We made it!”

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On the Lot with Wes Craven: More Blood, Less Sap

On the Lot with Wes Craven: More Blood, Less Sap by Roxanne McDonald

The seventh installment of “On the Lot” features guest director Wes Craven, who even gets the opportunity to judge a so-called horror film.

The third group of five filmmakers hoping to win the title show their offerings, but not before one from group two is eliminated. Marty is shown discussing his being insulted by Fisher, how proud he is to have stood up for his work, and what a hard life he has had. Marty and David think they are in danger this week. One of them is right: as Adrianna Costa comments how they were worried that Marty’s egotistical retorts might have left a bad impression on viewers, she

announces that the next one to go home is Marty Martin.

Carrie Fisher, asked for advice, tells Marty he is a really good craftsman and great with style. She makes a suggestion for better story-telling, and then advises he toughen up. If having her criticism caused him trouble, he was going to have a lot more trouble, she says, as there is a lot more out there. She concludes by telling him he needs to find that place between confidence and arrogance.

Then the stuff we care about begins.

Will shows “Glass Eye”, a slow-moving epic of the eye that ends up in the dog’s intestines.

Carrie says that if her dog ever pooped her eye out she would not be waiting around to put it back in. She calls it a sweet film, a silent, and acknowledges that it is a medium, but talkies have come back in. She suggests that maybe next time there could be a little dialogue.

Wes Craven (introduced with such credits as The Hills Have Eyes, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Scream—though he needs no such introduction to most of us) thinks it was a fun concept with fun twists…very original. He found a couple of misdirections, and names, for example, how the black and white could work differently for the glass eye. Overall, though, he likes the piece.

Gary quips that Will has a good eye, adds the dog was great, and his wife (who worked on production, design, and laying sound track) was great, as well. Gary adds that the only thing he would change would be the character’s dress—and wouldn’t have him in a wife-beater tee shirt next time.

Jason shows “Blood Born”, which I thought was this week’s finest: it is a composition of subtle and generic elements (such as the “sickroom/wellroom” signs) and eery but evocative visuals (such as the shift from grey-blues for the hospital scenes and corrosive yellows for the at home scenes). It is also the most striking with a storyline that ends in irony of the non-humorous sort.

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Creature Comforts Best New TV Animation

Creature Comforts Best New TV Animation by Roxanne McDonald

Well, claymation, actually. And not so “new”. So lucky are we that Nick Park’s cast has gone from the silver screen to TV.

Before we were all flying into cyberspace at the flip of a switch, those of us who were big claymation fans had to wait for the yearly animation festival that would come to the Palace of Fine Arts each May.

We were so in love with “Creature Comforts” that when the

award-winning animator Nick Parks made it available on video tape (along with several winning animations from around the world), we snatched it up to watch it more than once a year. (read more…)

Overwhelmed but Underwhelming Age of Love

Overwhelmed but Underwhelming “Age of Love” by Roxanne McDonald

Overdone conceit, already been there “kittens”, and a less than articulate tennis pro bachelor make for big sighs…of the expressing boredom style.

The bait and switch trick worked best, oh, four years ago, when “Average Joe” primed a beautiful bachelorette for meeting the man of her dreams and then introduced her to geeks and freaks instead. The featuring of an Australian sexpot was more successful in “Outback Jack”. And the

highlighted cattiness worked best, well, it didn’t ever really work for me…as I prefer not to listen to someone with God-given gifts flout and front.

But reality TV addict that I concede to be, I watched the first episode of “Age of Love”—albeit with eyes rolling and yawns blowing.

Mark is led with a question that elicits his assumptions about who the women will be…twenty-somethings, he imagines.

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Survivor Inland and All-star to Boot?

Survivor Inland and All-star…as in non-Survivor Celebrity Cast? by Roxanne McDonald

Some rumors have been confirmed, some are still circulating…and who knows which are which?

The fifteenth installment of “Survivor” is reported to be taking place not on an island—as fourteen other seasons were—but inland, in China.

It has also been conjectured that “Survivor: China” will be of an all-star composition.

And reports now as of yet barely confirmed, if that, include how one of the contestants are WWF pro wrestler Asley Massaro (according to TMZ, 6-13-07) and professional poker player Jean-Robert Bellande (according to the leaked rumor at the official CBS Survivor China site) will fight for the prize. (read more…)