She Reserves Right to Refuse Service to Anyone

She Reserves Right to Refuse Service to Anyone

This includes playahs who use her service as a booty call.

The Jack Ass

Patti is the no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is (or should be) matchmaker who this week actually booted an impossible client. Why was he so difficult? Well, for starters, Jack is a self-proclaimed playboy who insists on getting right to the meaty beaty big and bouncy and forget the process that would help him get into what he claims he wants: a long-term relationship.

But the forty-year-old who hangs out with twenty-somethings on Chippewa Street spends most of his date boasting about getting into bars free, goes against Patti’s advice about having the frat boy Peter Pan pals along, and virtually deserts his date.

Patti lets him have it; tells him to get rid of that smirk; and refuses to send him out on any more dates. I love her.

The Andreadorable

To offset the disgusting antics and subsequent smirkings of the jackass, Patti works with Mary, a “grandmotherly” type who is more coo-coo eccentric in her presentation of herself. Patti cleans up the act with salons and shopping for newer clothes, and Mary, a delightfully fun and full of laughter woman meets an adorable man her age who drives a fast car (he speeds up and off with Andrea in the T-Bird, and you can hear hear whooping as they drive away from the cameras).

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Pretzel Logic

Pretzel Logic by Roxanne McDonald

Now it’s time to try to figure out Dustin: fickle and flaky? Duplicitous double-dealer? Dumb and in denial?

Eric announces the conspiracy theories abound. And he is apparently tickled to no end at this.

And Amber is expressing her delight in Dustin’s getting HoH…by doing guess what? Somebody just shoot that baby.
Okay, so Dustin says Nick is working several angles (when he [Dustin] isn’t?)

Dustin tells us he has four targets:
Kail
Zach
Nick
Jen

In the meantime, Dick is arguing with Jen and then Amber, which continues from the dining table to the doing of the dishes.

Zach is enjoying his status as the “pass-around guy”, the man without an alliance. But Jameka can’t stand him and Daniele says you can’t get away from him—tagging along or passing himself around to tell stories of a visit to a BDSM dungeon, to crash private conversations, etc.

Then Daniele and Dick do the tit-for-tat feelings thing, each saying how do you think I feel, and you always and you never … until Daniele is outdoing Amber in the whining and crying department and until Dick finally breaks down and has to give the apology for being a lousy parent speech.

He does get one little hug, though.

During the food competition, Dustin is made king, and the house guests are made the kingsmen…all competiting to be the first to put Humpty Dumpty together again. [Is THAT in Alice…?]

The winners—Jessica and Jameka—get to designate five sloppy eaters for the week. They choose ED, because he hasn’t had any; Zach, because Jameka can’t stand him; Kail, because karma’s a bitch; Nick, because Jessica says they need to do anything to take his power away; and Jen—who acts all giddy and says she has no discipline around real food so this will govern her nutritional diet for the week.

Back to Dustin and his flip-flopping (or very evil and insidious strategizing).

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Turning Predators into Prey

Turning Predators into Prey by Roxanne McDonald

With a sting operation that lures sexual predators from hundreds of miles around and televises the busts, “Dateline NBC” takes on the sex offenders, the potential sex offenders, and the just plain offensive.

There is only one small question I have: isn’t some of the operation considered entrapment? But the answers and the protocol far outweigh the undeserved “rights” of these

questionable individuals anyway, so we move to what a remarkable success the operation and the show are.

That is, it is my belief that when you forfeit your privileges, you sign away such rights/privileges to not be set up, to not be televised, and to not be incarcerated for intent…. And what inane excuses [lies] these guys give Chris Hansen, head commentator and facilitator of “Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator.”

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Well Shut My Mouth

Well Shut My Mouth by Roxanne McDonald

What’s the deal with flip-flopping Big Brother 8 house guests?

I was so cocksure Kail was going home this week, but then I remembered the no surprise surprises that come with Big Brother.

Jameka had said that CBS does a good job of selecting the right personalities and therefore the right balance of personality dynamics. Yeah! I do believe they select a couple of balanced persons such as you, Jameka, and then toss in a few coo coo bears…for fun. Ours.

Let’s see, Kail makes ally with the Robinson boys. Kail singlehandedly fails to evict Dick, faces threat of being nominated for eviction, outs her alliance, offers the suggestion they are cowards, shows some interesting cowardice herself, lies to Dick.

Dick promises to get Jen out of the house for being self-involved, wins HoH, puts Jen and Kail up for eviction, throws the PoV competition by intentionally tossing aside the glass he is supposed to be using to outbalance Jen [after offering to keep her and be on her side if she wants to step down during the PoV competition, puts Mike up in Jen’s place, outs Kail’s lying by going to JEN with the info, and somehow manages to piss off enough people in the house so that neither Kail nor Jen end up going home in the long run.

Mike has been in the Robinson alliance, had turned on that alliance by voting not as Kail did but the opposite in the eviction ceremony that saw Joe going home, refused to chat about the after effects, went for the heckling of Dick during the PoV [asserting his integrity, dignity, loyalty, what have you…for Kail], gets himself on the block where we are sure Kail is still going home, and then….has SEVEN people vote against him—in favor of keeping Kail, who only got two votes to evict her.

What the?

Now I didn’t do a now antiquated recap for any of you who follow Big Brother much more closely than even Big Brother follows Big Brother…; I did it for ME. I need to know if I am missing something, alone in my madness, or just confused about the usual protocol that includes changing one’s mind a hundred times a day.

This is no longer spoiler info, which we at TV Robot are banning!  No Spoilers!  

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How Pitiful When Art Gives Way to War

How Pitiful When Art Gives Way to War by Roxanne McDonald

Amendment I Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Nigel Lithgoe actually handled the controversy quite adeptly, but the hypocrisy still stings.

Tough sh-t.

Art: the music of John Meyer, “Waiting for the World to Change.”

Art: choreography of a piece that pointed toward LOVE and PEACE instead of hate and killing.

Art: Peace sign t-shirts.

Woooooo. So insulting to have to go into someone else’s backyard and kill her children then have to watch a television show that has dancers dancing for what they believe in. Ooooh, that sure hurts. I’m sure you will need years of therapy.

Callers in to “So You Think You Can Dance?” bitching, being offended, feeling oh so slighted that the show did an anti-war dance.

Yeeeahhh…. And that is wrong… how, again? Or better, what country are we living in?
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Mock Red Carpet Results

Mock Red Carpet Results: “The Next Best Thing” Finale by Roxanne McDonald

Elvis rules!

Not surprised Elvis won, though I kinda preferred the Elvis in the powder blue jacket and bucks: Donny Edwards.

Oh, boy. Now I am gonna get all kinds of flack from the Trent Carlini fans, followers, and advocates.

[See “The Next Best Thing” message boards where they are nuts about Trent.] Sorry, peeps; I just think Edwards is a better singer and much more in the Elvis voice, and I can’t help but still get creeped out by the oddly shaped face and space age contact lenses Carlini has/wears.
But he won, so I have been outnumbered, clearly.

Here’s a quick recap of the “The Next Best Thing” finale, complete with red carpet ceremony led by a Joan Rivers impersonator who sort of introduced the Final Ten:

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Comic Overkill

Comic Overkill by Roxanne McDonald

As Eric on “That 70s Show” would say, “What the hell?” What is the deal with the weaker comics who overdo their sets getting through to the top ten instead of our favs?

I know, I know. I asked this last week during part one of the top ten selection.

But do ya think ya could leave the decisions up to the larger audience that is America—a group that laughs when shit is funny?

I’m thinking that right there would be the indication.

But okay, we need a few to go home first in the finals, so I will let all the politics go.

For now.

This week, again, was part II of the semis: of the sixteen comics, the second group of 5 will join the first group of five…to make up ten for the finals.

After Bill Bellamy tells some white people jokes, the sixteen do their slamming thing. I’m out of breath and I’m just sitting on my fat ass watching.

John Reep does some aggressive bit on America as all about red, white, and blue: red neck, white trash, blue collar…and I am delightedly chuckling, able to identify as I am with two of the three.

Fiona O’Loughlin does an our family is so big… bit that receives okay attention.

Ryan Hamilton—the white Chris Rock who exaggerates his already exaggerated facial features—is hilarious before he even steps onstage, telling us with his white, white collar, white bread looks and persona how it is hard not to anticipate groupies at this point…for it comes with the bad-boy image. He is just brilliant with original one-eye lasik (sp) surgery jokes for the crowd, who loves him.

Gerry Dee does a complex but easy to follow set involving the parallels of bars and churches, of choosing drinks and choosing chicks. It works well and he gets big, raucous laughs to go with his big raucous personality.

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Somebody Explain it to Me

Somebody Explain it to Me by Roxanne McDonald

What is the mid-season interruption all about, really?

It is called the “Top Chef Spectacular” and it has come in the middle of the season’s competition.

Now, I think of these shows as reunion shows, and I think of reunions as after-the-fact.

So what’s the deal with that? Are they all in need of a break? Is it mandatory that the production staff get a week off after so many weeks? Is it some sweeps week teaser or bid?

Maybe it’s an exercise in narcissism, or to hype how popular the show is, what with those submitting questions including renowned chef Jean-Georges Vongerichten and revered, illustrious “Project Runway” mentor Tim Gunn.

Chef Jean-Georges didn’t really ask a question so much as send in a video clip of him saying how much he likes Lia and hopes she does well. Umm, either this is the first evidence of how ridiculously old the reunion material is because it was done in advance, or, as someone—I think the host—said, Chef Jean-Georges doesn’t watch “Top Chef” or didn’t watch last week. Whatever, it only serves to piss me off more that we can’t get back to the competition.

Though…, Tim Gunn’s question was funny and fun, what with his staunch appearance combined with that snide expression as he asks whether Stephen from season one “was…real?”

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LOL on the Lot

LOL on the Lot by Roxanne McDonald

Comedy [romantic comedy] rules the stage and screen this week, leaving voters a difficult choice.

But first the worst news: two more eliminated. While Sam felt his action too long; Mateen felt his action stunt the best of the night (and I agreed); and Jason felt the same weekly

butterflies, Kenny Luby and Mateen Kemet were eliminated.

Kenny was humbled, saying he had learned a lot and learned there is a lot he doesn’t know. (Yes, folks, he actually admitted it!)

Mateen said this opportunity afforded him the chance to work in genres he might not have worked in on his own.

But as many of us were glad to hear: “The world has not seen the last of Mateen Kemet.”

And we will even miss you, too, Kenny, you iconoclast, you.

Tonight is promised to be comedy genre night, and the shorts deliver on that promise.

Zach has created “The Bonus Feature,” wherein a guy tries to impress a girl with the push of a button in his car: the newly dating couple end up in an unintended Rebel without a Cause chicken race, but instead of hurtling over the cliff are airlifted into space where they are met with an Alien/Jurassic Park creature. All from the push of the special feature button.

Carrie reminds Zach what a big fan she is, but says it was more of an amusement ride than a film. Though it incredible visually, she wants more story.

Guest director/judge Brad Silberling (just think baby calling aunt mayor of crazy town, ala Lemony Snicket) thinks Zach is a tremendous skill set in search of a great story.

Gary says that Zach always surprises him, and this piece which wasn’t exactly romance and wasn’t exactly comedy was maybe an homage to different directors…. That or Zach was, Gary suggests, maybe sucking up to Spielberg.
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We Cannot All Be Fire Signs

We Cannot All Be Fire Signs by Roxanne McDonald

Top Chef Astrology: Does it Matter?

Does it matter that thus far, a Dragon and a Dog have won Top Chef? Does the fact that Lia and Casey are Aries and

Aquarius signs, respectively, contribute to how they became “friends for life? Does it make sense that Tom Colicchio was born under the sign of the Tiger?

I’ll leave the speculation to you, and offer just some surface research details here (not including already eliminated cheftestants):

By Western Astrological Terms

Brian Malarkey – born September 26, 1972 – Libra (air)
Casey Thompson – born January 21, 1978 – Aquarius (air)
Chris Jacobsen (“CJ”) – born October 1, 1975 – Libra (air)
Dale Levitsky – born April 3, 1973 – Aries (fire)
Howie Kleinberg – born July 31, 1975 –Leo (fire)
Hung Hyunh – born January 25, 1978 – Aquarius (air)
Joey Paulino – born May 31, 1975 – Gemini (water)
Sara Mair – born February 14, 1973 – Aquarius (air)
Sara Nguyen – born July 25, 1981 – Leo (fire)
Tre Wilcox –born July 7, 1976 – Cancer (water)

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Must be the Season of the Pig

Must be the Season of the Fire Pig: BB8 by the Stars by Roxanne McDonald

Can the Eastern and Western astrological influences impact the dynamics, the downfall, the deliberations of the Big Brother 8 houseguests? Could their astro-charts determine who will win?

Does the fact that Amber is a Pisces [a water sign] account for all that crying? Does it make sense that the bullish, bull-headed, full of bull Jen is a Taurus? Does it make you nod when you learn that Joe was born under the sign of the pig?

I leave the speculations up to you, but cite the small bit of research I did into the Big Brother 8 guests’ astrological assignments [in alphabetical order and including, to be balanced, those already evicted]:

By Western Astrological Terms

Amber – born March 17, 1980 - Pisces
Carol – born March 3, 1986 - Pisces
Daniele – born August 20, 1986 - Leo
Dick – born June 24, 1963 - Cancer
Dustin – born January 21, 1985 - Aquarius
Eric – born January 25, 1980 - Aquarius
Jameka – born July 20, 1978 - Cancer
Jen – born April 25, 1984 -Taurus
Jessica – born December 22, 1985 - Capricorn
Joe – born September 28, 1983 - Libra
Kail – born October 5, 1969 - Libra
Mike – born August 20, 1980 -Leo
Nick – born March 5, 1982 -Pisces
Zach – born April 17, 1977 -Aries

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Put Some Friggin Clothes On

Put Some Friggin Clothes On by Roxanne McDonald

What they should have said…. But then she’d just wear another equally obnoxious Jen coinage shirt. Is it tres passé to say “Gag me with a spoon”?

But thank you, Zach, I think, for taking the damned cams off the primadonna of personal interest squared and doing the streaking thing—complete with frat boy/David Puddy beller of a growling “YYYEEEAAAAAAH!”

And thank you, Big Brother, for actually following through

with at least one more Alice in Wonderland theme. There are enough characters and vignettes within the Carroll tale to get you through the whole season, so you could have had each of the food, Power of Veto, and HoH competitions tinged with something from the story. I wonder if enough bloggers bitched that this was done on an impromptu basis… for us?
And while you at least brought in Alice in Wonderland motif this last Tuesday night, it could have even been more inventive…so will you have someone other than the best-known Mad Hatter characters?

Enough harping on that; let’s get to the contradictions and clothing (or lack of) concerns.

Kail is again clueless: before even in the BB House she boasted she would rule it the way she rules her many business. In the House for something less than a week, she jumped right into alliance-making, not knowing the guys, not thinking ahead by taking her time. Then, when the supposedly loyal allies voted opposite her in the last elimination, she not only projected the failures onto them (whom she called cowards) but went to Dick, spilled the secret of their being aligned, turned on them, and made her trustworthiness and loyalty a huge sore spot for the astute Dick.

Then…, she turned on her supposed “best friend”, Jen.

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What a Way to Go

What a Way to Go by Roxanne McDonald

Generic Image Table - Insert 3 or more sentences here so it looks nice like my postsOne chef booted in the middle of a dinner service, another booted but offered the rare (or, rather, never-before on H’s K offered) opportunity of sponsorship at culinary school.

This blog article is dedicated to Julia Williams.

Bittersweet elimination of Julia, my favorite, my hopeful. And she won the morning challenge: to cook a fabulous dish for

the “trend-setters, those with their fingers on the pulse— Alhambra High School students.
During elimination, though (with Bonnie for the first time getting high praise for having her best “spot on” night so far and getting the privilege of nominating two), Julia was dismissed. But not with the usual vitriol from Chef Ramsay. Instead, here is what Ramsay did and said, how he conducted what was for him a most difficult elimination:

Bonnie put Rock up for his temper and Julia up for having had difficulties with garnish. Bonnie’s thinking (I think) was that while she wanted three girls in the finals, she had to put up two people and only Rock remained for the guys’ side. Rock’s anger and fighting with Jen would trump Julia’s difficulty with garnish, and Rock would be sent home. (SPOILER INFO ABOUT TO BE MUTTERED HERE…. (read more…)

Big Brother 8 TV Viewer Ratings

Big Brother 8 TV Ratings by Mike Liebner

3 nights a week is a lot of TV!    Is America watching Big Brother 8???

Reality TV appears to be as popular as ever. There are some big brand new hits this Summer.

With all the press going ga-ga gush over the big new reality tv hits (Spelling Bee and those cloned singing idiot type shows) I was worried that Big Brother 8 was sliding in viewership and ratings…. BUT apparently not!

According to Variety Big Brother 8 and it’s houseguests’ ratings are on par with last season: (read more…)

Just What We Need

Just What We Need: Another Way for Men to Hit on Women by Roxanne McDonald

Then again, the new Vh1 show, “The Pick-up Artist,” might just do some damage to the already extant repertoires of the boyz in bars.

As the pick-up pros at The Seduction Bible tell it, the most important dynamic for the PUA (pick-up artist) is not some clever routine but a “deep inner game.” It is not planning

[though it surely involves plotting], but is improvisation, cum a natural ability to connect with women.For a demonstration [fictional], check out the movie, The Pick-up Artist, with Robert Downey, Jr. in the title role. For lessons for you guys and entertainment and education for us women, we should tune in to the Vh1 premier of “The Pick-up Artist,” airing August 6th.

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Smartass Awards Go to Best of Best TV Show of All Time

Smartass Awards Go to Best of Best TV Show of All Time by Roxanne McDonald

The top 20 (or 30) minor Seinfeld characters…according to moi.

It is far too daunting a task to name the best episodes (cause they are ALL absolutely equally brilliant); it’s ridiculous, crazy, moot to try and name favorite episodes for each of the main characters (cause there are far more than top ten for each– Elaine, Kramer, Jerry, and George).

Hell, it is even impossible to stick to a top ten of the best minor characters [foregoing the obvious, such as the Soup Nazi] on Seinfeld, so I am forced to resort to a best of the best of the best…. If I can do even that.
My article, my choices, my TV-saturated brain.

The Women

Jeannie Steinman [Janeane Garofolo] in “The Foundation” and “The Invitations”

Rava [Nurit Koppel] in “The Statue”

Marla Penny, a.ka. Marla the Virgin [Jane Leeves] in “The Virgin”; “The Contest”; The Pilot”; and “The Finale, Part I”

Ellen [Christa Miller] in “The Sniffing Accountant” and “The Doodle”

Sue Ellen Mishke [Brenda Strong] in “The Caddy”; “The Bottle Deposit”; “The Abstinence”; and “The Betrayal”

Mabel Choate [Frances Bay] in “The Rye”; “The Cadillac”; and “The Finale, Part I”

Sally Weaver [Kathy Griffin] in “The Doll” and “The Cartoon”

Aunt Manya [Rozsika Halmos] in “The Pony Remark”

Sam [Molly Shannon] in “The Summer of George”

Maura [Alex Kapp Horner] and Alison [Bonnie McNeil] in “The Strong Box”

And my absolute favorite female minors:

Mrs. Ross [Grace Zabriskie] in “The Cheever Letters”; “The Rye”; “The Foundation”; “The Wizard”; and “The Finale, Part I”

Tina [Siobhan Fallon] in “The Deal”; “The Truth”; and “The Opposite”

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With all Due Respect

With all Due–Ahem–Respect by Roxanne McDonald

Yeah, and is that meat, skin, flesh you’re wearing…?

I gotta start by saying that while I have openly, shamelessly admitted to loving the humor of LauraBelle at Reality Shack and to even chuckling at the clever way Christina Marie [also at Reality Shack, which, gee, says a lot about what I do with my extra time, and while your at it, check out the just as

wonderfully droll Jessica Paff at Zap2It/Inside the Box] vocalizes her reactions to reality shows, I was taken aback by how while Christina obviously digs Poison she has gotten way down on “Rock of Love.” Okay, the whole love-hate letter to Brett is a comical concept that may be TOTAL exaggeration, but Jeesh, a bit hard on Brett…and for the wrong reasons?
First, Brett didn’t write the formulaic kiss-off and invitation slogans. At least I’m prreeettty sure he didn’t. Next, assigning one of the most astute anologies to Tiffany is just, well, wrong. Tiffany would be lucky to get anything more than “Haterade” and “Don’t threaten me with fun” or whatever she has heard elsewhere out as the most clever comments she knows to make.

It was Dallas who made that observation that watching the whore-pole dancing was akin to being in one of those strip joints next to the airport where there are only a bunch a fat chicks….

But speaking of Dallas, and getting off the back of the usually hilarious Christina [and acknowledging that I am criticizing in the very way that drives me absolutely batty when some yahoo comes along and corrects my one paraprax, that one slip of the tongue, pen, keyboarding in 5,000 + articles and how, therefore, Christina is welcome to slap me, throw me in the pool, call me names with “whore” in them]…, how ‘bout that severe anti-social, anti-animals, anti-pets, anti-skank bag ho Dallas?

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Give Us Something (More) to Talk About

Give Us Something More to Talk About: Big Brother Episode 8 Rant by Roxanne McDonald

One is too many and a thousand is never enough. 12-step slogan

You won’t give us a sustained theme (having ditched the Alice in Wonderland effort before those mushrooms even stopped spinning). You give us some pretty lame wannabes

(like Jen with her roach hotel lingerie modeling shots). Give us some more of the real live feed fodder to germinate with….
Evil [or Evel, for whatever ridiculous reason it is spelled that way] isn’t all that evil. In fact, he is probably one of the saner, more sensitive [without going all terrapin tears on us every time a fellow house mate has to eat slop or make a decision], and more championed players.

Jen is just a ridiculous shill who likely seriously thinks she will get high caliber fame from a few pitiful and scantily clad body shots [You have to visit her “professional website. And what’s with the Jen shop? A CD by someone else, an alarm clock or something obscure, and a Miata? What the hell? J-Bay?] and an appearance on a show where not only everyone in th house except the Christian hates her but a majority of viewers find repulsively disinjenuous.

Amber cries more than I do, and I cry over bad news in states 3,000 miles away and road kill.

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Smartest Guy on Show So Far

Smartest Guy on Show So Far by Roxanne McDonald

Smartest guy on the show “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?” so far, is what Jeff Foxworthy calls Victor, the man with the 1390 on his SATs and a law degree from University of Michigan.

Victor is also the player with the quickest trigger finger thus far, a characteristic the producers of this episode play up, play on, and milk for all it is worth.

Still, Victor goes further than most contestants, making it all way up to and through the penultimate question—dropping out of school as the final question topic is revealed:
Here are Victor’s questions, right after I say Halleluiah that “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?”, moved to Monday nights, is back in full one-hour format!!!!! Yay!

SECOND GRADE MATH
1. What is 309 rounded to the nearest hundredth?

FIRST GRADE VOCABULARY
2. True or false? The word “stern” refers to the front of a boat.

FOURTH GRADE SCIENCE
3. The force of attraction between two objects that have [similar] mass is called what?
a) gravity
b) friction
c) fusion

SECOND GRADE SPELLING
4. The names of how many colors in the rainbow spectrum are spelled with only three letters?

FIRST GRADE GEOGRAPHY
5. What state borders South Dakota to the north?

THIRD GRADE MEASUREMENTS
6. What unit of power is abbreviated by the letter ‘w’?

THIRD GRADE ANIMAL SCIENCE
7. True or false? The Alaskan Malamute is a species of fish.

FOURTH GRADE WORLD GEOGRAPHY
8. In terms of area, what is the largest desert in Africa?

FIFTH GRADE CULTURAL STUDIES
9. The ancient region known as Mesopotamia was bordered by the Euphrates and what other river?

FIFTH GRADE WORLD HISTORY
10. The League of Nations was formed after the conclusion of what war?

FINAL, MILLION-DOLLAR QUESTION: FIFTH GRADE HEALTH
11. Of the thirty-two teeth in the typical adult human mouth, how many are bicuspids?

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Cheapy Cheater Chachi Redeems Himself

Cheapy Cheater Chachi Redeems Himself by Roxanne McDonald

Scott Baio continues his self-exploratory venture with ex-girlfriend number three; takes the outing of his frugality and cheating; and makes up for it with pizza and apologies.

You gotta give it to a reforming lothario and tight wad who sits through a comedy set as the target/butt of the jokes, on camera, and who then attempts to make the past errant

behavior right.

Maybe that’s a big part of the reason for the bags under the eyes.

I’d never feel sorry for a cheater, I once thought. The consequences are so much more damaging to the offended, or the cuckolded. But how screwed up do you have to be to be THAT fearful of commitment that you have to unconsciously or subconsciously sabotage every potentially fulfilling LTR?

Since “Scott Baio is 45 and Single” concerns Scott coming to accept the possibility of settling down, and since his life coach has asked if he cheated on everyone and Scott replies that yeah, pretty much, Doc Allie asks for the next example: Scott was “dating” two women—Julie and Lisa—at the same time. Well, Julie and Lisa just so happened to happen upon each other at the same audition, started talking, and like in a bad b revenge movie, discovered the reality of Scott the Hot: for Xmas that year he received a card greeting him with “Fu-k you…” and signed “Julie and Lisa”.

This triggers the next perfect visit: to Julie McCullough, whom Scott can’t reach by phone and who therefore prompts him to show up at Julie’s comedy set at the Improv.

You literally screwed her over, you show up years later, while she is onstage and has full control of the crowd—ala Kathy Griffin—and so you must expect to get the fallout of that decade-old transgressing. That or you’re a masochist.

Scott takes the slams, which are not funny and which must be slightly baffling the crowd who paid pretty decent bucks to hear humor not ex-boyfriend bashing devoid of funny. But Scott only lasts so long and has to bolt…., right about the time Julie is finishing the tirade about his cheating and moving on to how cheap is he? jokes—so cheap that on their first date to a pizza place, he made her buy her own slice.

However, he reappears after the show, in the back of the Improv where Julie is unwinding. They have a beer, and Julie tells him he was the reason for her getting her first AIDS test. Slam!

Why the hell are you here? Sorta slam!

To apologize. So you gonna buy me flowers now, a card? Slam.

No, actually buying you a pizza.

LOL. Hug. More LOL.

Julie makes number three he can scratch of his “I’m kinda copying the ‘My Name is Earl’ concept” list.

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