Simonese in its Element

Simonese in its Element by Roxanne McDonald

Simon responds to contestants doing a “British Invasion”—of sorts.

While for a minute there some of us were thinking we might be watching Spinal Tap or something as absurdly surreal, Simon settles right in to his usually profound critiques…British Smittish.

Cute little banter opens the show, though, as Ryan asks Randy and Paula what advise they would give to the final 11 as far as how to cope, how to hang strong in the game. Paula says something about relaxing and picturing Simon without clothes. Simon, of course, asks her, “Is that what you think about?”

And the recent Barba doll without clothes thing reference is not lost—on all of us anyway.

So. Anyway. Here we go:
After Hayley, trying to be more aggressive and less sweet (and succeeds, really) with her version of “Tell Him”:
You naughty little thing. This is a different side to you, Haley. It was fun, young, a bit shrieky in the middle. [Boos] A little bit. A little bit. I think people are going to be talking about a lot more than your singing tonight.

With Chris R.’s goal to finally “nail a song,” which he sort of does with Don’t Let the Sun Get You Crying”:
Chris, I think that was your best performance ever, and I’ll tell you why: your control of the song was excellent…. Most importantly, you didn’t make the song sound old-fashioned. A little bit nasally, and that you’ve got to watch, but good.

With Stephanie’s impressive (especially as I have a thing for this song and since she gives me goose bumps, anyway) performance of “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me”:
How do you think you did? [She answers that she thinks she did well.] Yah. I think you are losing your edge. I thought it was a bit night-clubby. I think you are losing your soul [metaphysical or musical?]. It was a bit cabaret. You are becoming too old for yourself…losing your passion. I wasn’t crazy about it. Sorry.

Once Blake finishes a gorgeous revision of “Time of the Season”:
Right, Blake, a million times better than last week because I think this week you found/chose the right song and found a way without messing with the melody to put your own [touch] on it.

After Lakisha opts for a perfect recycling of “Diamonds are Forever”:
We know that you are a fantastic singer. However, this was Lakisha in 50 years time—everything, from the hair, the dress, the mannerisms…is like seeing you in fifty years’ time. It wasn’t my favorite performance. It was too old, too old-fashioned. I didn’t get it. Sorry.

After Phil does a really decent simulation with a rocker spin for “Tobacco Road”:

I’m gonna be honest. I wasn’t crazy about it. I thought it was what I call a third-division bar band. I don’t hear any grit in your voice and you need grit in your voice to pull that off. It had to be believable and it wasn’t believable, and you may have a problem tomorrow.

Once Jordin finishes showcasing her amazing voice with “I Who Have Nothing”:
You sang it beautifully—but I feel like jumping off a bridge! It was so gloomy. Just want the sun to shine after that…so depressing. But you did sing it beautifully.

[Aside: Peter Noone, mentoring the guys, now speaks via Ryan’s microphone and tells the crowd how he reminded them that it isn’t a singing competition: it’s a voting competition. Sorry, Simon, he adds. Simon just shrugs, not interested in British bickering?]

After silly Sanjaya does a sort-of David Cassidy for the 00s surreal performance of “You Really Got Me” and little audience-member Ashley is still making this starstruck grimacing and crying face:
I think the little girl’s face says it all. [Then he makes a mortified face, as many of us at home are doing….]

After Gina does an albeit shaky and chaotic version of one of my favorite songs of all time, “Paint it Black”:
There were moments of complete torture in the vocals, to be honest. There were [places where you missed notes]…where it was off melody. This was a case of style over content, and you’re going to have to do much better than that. Vocally, not good enough.
[Paula and Randy are advising Gina to just be herself, etc.] All this feel free garbage—rusbbish—nonsense. You’ve got to sing well, and that’s what it’s all about.
Once Chris does a sober and articulate “She’s Not There”:
[Paul and Randy are noting how Chris could feel free to interact with the audience] What else could he have done to be more free with the audience? To be personable with the audience? Which is what? Lick [inaudible]? I actually didn’t think you had a problem. It was fun. You showed personality. And I thought you did a lot better than last week.

And once Melinda finishes giving the “torch song,” “As Long as He Needs Me” its eternal flame:
[Nodding] Melinda, I have to ask you a question: are you really as nice as you seem? You are, aren’t you? When it started, a very boring song…but you made it a sensational song—with an impeccable vocal. And you really are that nice.

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