Simonese, Part 4: The Necessity of Honest Idol Criticism

Simonese, Part 4: The Necessity of Honest Idol Criticism by Roxanne McDonald

Too many of the auditioners have never been told the truth about their talent…or lack thereof. Well, that is what Simon’s there for.

Mama loves him. Her friends are all for her singing. Auntie Mame nods and smiles. Uncle Buck pays the way to the American Idol auditions.

Just when you are ready to tell the huffer, screamer, mumbler, or bumbler auditioning for American Idol to shut the %##& up, Simon cuts in with his commentary. And you know, while it isn’t usually kind, it is often right on. You are listening to this really pretty but bad Cher knockoff, and Simon notes that she is like Cher after coming back from the dentist. You can’t stand how nasty the rejected guy is being, swearing and incorrectly stating how Randy has no

musical background and therefore has no rights to judge, blah, blah, blah, and just as the asswipe asks what else they expect, Simon retorts, “for you to leave.”

Thank! You!

Here is the next installment of Simonisms, the last of those spoken during the auditions tours:

~It was a lot of shouting without a lot of melody.

~You look good, sound good, a bit cabaret, not much in the way of originality, but you can’t say that you can’t sing because you can sing…. In terms of the unique factor, you deserve a second chance.

~[after he, Paula, and Randy can’t stop laughing and after the suditioner says they all are bein’ rude] You come in…volunteer…everyone who comes in believes they’re a good singer. You’re not.

~You are one of those girls who are born to be a pop star. You look like a pop star, personality, fantastic voice…. You are commercial with a capital ‘c’—a record label’s dream.

~You know, you’re a good singer. There’s just a massive personality problem here. I was bored. [Paula informs the guy he should make Simon not bored, and he belts out another song]. I’m gonna say yes.

~I couldn’t understand a word of that. It was literally like some language I’ve never heard. Was that serious? [After S. gives a really bad performance and apologizes, and Paula says she doesn’t need to apologize] Well, she does a bit…. We don’t need a second song. It was just…it didn’t work. [As S. leaves] The worst news is she’s a music teacher.

~You’re like a little fun Reuben, aren’t you? That’s when he used to smile.

~[After a wannabe rocker does some Kittie “Into the Darkness” song, I think is the name of it] I think you need to be in a very dark bedroom when you sing that song.

~The whole audition was just ridiculous. [Guy asks, “If that’s how you all feel, can I do something else?”] Juggle.

~[to a repeat auditioner who did not improve second time around] You are incredibly, if I may say, deluded, here.

~[After G. returns from previous audition and prefaces her new performance with how in love with Simon she is] I thought that was a good audition. You’ve got soul…and taste.

~[After an auditioner professes his devotion to Paula then does a terrible rendition of “Donna”] Thank you. Not only blind but deaf as well.
~[A group arrives on roller skates and each perform] Ebony, you could sing the phone book and it wouldn’t matter. You are in a different lague than the other two. You’re terrific.

~Love this girl. Love you, L. You’re a good old fashioned belter. Great voice.

~I’v got to be honest with you. For me, it was a nightmare. You’re a good dancer. You’re not a good singer.

~I really, really liked you because you’re different. You stand out like you would have been a big star in the sixties…. 1,000% yes. Good work, kiddo.
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