Simonese: The Best of Simon Cowellisms

Simonese: The Best of Simon Cowellisms by Roxanne McDonald

I have been meaning to compile these Simon Cowell slams for a while now. But the big question is this: will Simon slam me for doing so? Tremble tremble.

They are wrapped in the coolest and snootiest of British accent. They are often original, and just as often cutting and even downright mean. They are the sayings, the analogies, metaphors, witticisms, and downright invectives, we have come to love to hate, as issued by the

world-renowned executive producer (and millionaire because of all of the above) Simon Cowell:
~It’s an absolute, categorical never.

~I don’t know what I’m doing on this show anymore…. The point you’re taking is absolutely absurd.

~It was juvenile, tuneless, mediocre, and horrible.

~It was one of the strangest auditions I’ve ever heard in my life.

~How long have you stayed in Minnesota for?
[auditioner response:6 months]
Long enough.

~You have just summed up Minnesota Mate…. Even the juggling was pathetic.

~It was almost as bad as it could possibly get.

~[auditioner: I’ve had 10 years of training and I don’t understand why they didn’t tell me before….]
I’ll tell you why…because I wasn’t your teacher.
[auditioner: What could I do to improve?]
Leave.

~[auditioner complains she can’t sing well tonight for she has a dry throat]
It’s not a cold; it’s not a dry throat. It’s the fact you can’t sing…. You could lie in a bath with your mouth open and it still wouldn’t [be good].

~[auditioner complains she is sick, and hence…yup…can’t sing well tonight]
Don’t give it to anyone else.

~I’m not being rude, but…that was horrendous.

~[to Paula and Randy, upon an auditioner’s exit]It looked like she’d been caught in a net.

~What…the bloody hell…was that?

~It was almost non-human.

~First of all, you are aware that this is a singing competition….~You look like one of those creatures who live in the jungle with those massive eyes. What are they called? Bush babies.

~Are you drunk?

~Sometimes I like to put one sugar in my coffee. That was like putting eleven…. It was a bit too sugary for my taste.

~I’ve heard some weird auditions, but that was perhaps the weirdest.

~It was like a one year old singing.

~[when challenged to be the auditioner’s singing coach]
It would be like coaching a one-legged man to win the 100-metre sprint.

~What…was…that?

~I’m not being rude, but can you shut up?
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