Sorry to be So Negative: Simonisms for the New Idol Season

Sorry to be So Negative: Simonisms for the New Idol Season by Roxanne McDonald

So we may not like it, but Simon’s critiques are the rudders that guide the performances, really. Even the new Idol contestants concede to this fact.

Well, Chris Sligh was the only one with the guts to have a comeback, but other singers thanked Simon for his however scathing criticisms. Simon Cowell knows the business, knows what he is talking about, and brings the truth to the most crucial of American Idol stages.

In fact, you could listen to just Simon Cowell’s critiques and for the most part know which performer has sustainability, which needs to do what to stay in the competition, and which are going to be the first to go. (Yes, granted, the judges comments may or may not sway the voting audience, but my point is that on Simon’s commentaries alone we can get an idea of what makes for Idol quality performing.)

Consider installment six of the best of Simonese, as it followed each of the twelve male singers on Tuesday night:
After Rudy Cardenas sings a dynamic but too ordinary version of “Free Ride”:
What you said on your clip about me not liking you…my reason is proven tonight. At this stage, we’re looking for somebody who is unique and I think that [performance] is just going to get lost in the mix.

After Brandon Rogers does a cute but just okay rendition of “Rock with You”:
You’re a very good singer, [but] it was just a safe and predictable song to do. You’ve got to come out and make an impact; you’re better than that.

After Sundance Head performs the a kind of hokey version of the eerily memorable classic, “Nights in White Satin”:
You’ve gone right off since we first saw you…. Tonight, you were like Dad at a wedding—very old fashioned, very uninspiring. The whole thing has gone flat. You’ve lost what you came in with and I’m sorry but I don’t like you tonight.

When Paul Kim finishes performing a kind of mish-mashed “Careless Whisper”:
I would suggest you put your shoes on next week…. It’s too much…on a whim. It’s a singing competition. I just thought it was a very ordinary copy of George Michael. If you’re going to copy, you have to be very good…. You’ve got to come out here and wow and you’re not wowing.

When Chris Richardson finishes doing a charismatic rendition of “I Don’t Wanna Be”:
I’m sorry to sound negative tonight…. I really, really liked you [at first auditions]. We saw a clip of your first audition and you sounded very soulful. In this song, you sounded very small. But I like you; the girls are gonna like you; you’re going to get a lot of votes. [Still], I’m judging it on the vocals: I thought it was below standard.

After Nick Pedro does “Now and Forever”:
I didn’t think it was that bad, actually. It wasn’t terrible. I think you lost your sparkle…. You’re very nervous. I think you lost that charm….

Once Blake Lewis nails his version of the stunning “Somewhere Only We Know”:
Not the best vocal I’ve ever heard in my life, but the difference between you and everybody else tonight is you sounded like [you are in] 2007…while [everyone else was a throwback to the past.] By far the best performance we’ve had tonight [thus far].

Once Sunjaya Malakar finishes wrecking “Knocks Me off My Feet”:
The irony was the most used line in that song is “I don’t want to bore you….” It was the most dreary performance of the night. The band was falling asleep…. There was absolutely nothing I could take from that—other than it was dull.

After Chris Sligh’s engaging and cute rocker delivery of “Typical”:
Well, I agree your humor’s [humors] got you here. I like you very much. You’re a fantastic personality. Having said that. I felt like I was at some weird student gig. I don’t think it was an incredible vocal performance.

After Jared Cotter’s sexy, sultry delivery of “Back to One”:
It was a very unadventurous performance, really. I thought you sounded a bit nasally. [Boos from audience] Obviously a relation…. You look good, [but] I don’t think anybody’s going to be waking up tomorrow and [saying], “What an incredible performance!” I think you’ve got to take a few more performance risks than that.

When A.J. Tabaldo finishes a satisfying but middle-of- the-road performance of “Never Too Much”:
It was good…nothing great, nothing terrible. I count that as a kind of theme park performance, though. You’ve got to choose a song that is a little bit more daring. Maybe you’re a little better than I originally thought, though.

After Phil Stacey does a lovely but safe version of “Could Not Ask for More”:
The beginning was absolutely monstrous. The end was okay. In comparing [performances like those of] Chris Daughtry, who really nailed it…I don’t think you nailed it.

Simon’s bottom line came after Ryan Seacrest (who has that buddy banter thing he must keep going with Cowell, remember) asked Simon why he was so negative, and Simon closed the show by responding, “I’m not being negative. Unlike you, I respect the audience at home…. I don’t patronize, [and] I’m not going to lie to people.”

Even if they might prefer it.

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