America’s Got Some Angry Judges

America’s Got Some Angry Judges by Roxanne McDonald

We’ve got a British sweetheart, a UK brat, and a sulking American actor…angry at how some of the most absurd acts are going through.

With the first couple of installments of “America’s Got Talent,” the emphasis at first seemed to be more on the judges than on the talent or their authentic search for it.

But, you can’t blame Hasselhoff for being pissed this week. Just for numbers, just for kicks and ridiculing giggles, I imagine, Sharon and Piers put through a female

impersonator who wouldn’t have made it two steps onto other stages (namely, “The Next Best Thing”). Although they do show decent discretion when buzzing and voting off several other oddball numbers.

Consuelo Campbell tells us she is an academic who is going to incorporate past and present by way of a combined 6th-century Gregorian chant and rasy low Blues and Gospel. But it is all operatic, she moves in strange ways on stage, and is even buzzed on the first note—before she gets a chance to really destroy what she means to create.

She brings up the past, alright, inciting a crowd to act up so badly that we are glad they don’t have any rotten fruit on hand.

Sharon calls the act bizarre, and says that while most performers have a direction, she was all over the place.
Piers says that as she was prancing and shrieking about, he was thinking she looked like Hillary Clinton on acid.
David expected (as many of us did) a really cool style but for him it just turned out like Karaoke night.

Sideswipe is an acrobatic troupe who include in their routine some odd kick-boxing moves.

Sharon liked the aggression and of course, as Jerry Springer suspected, loves their look and swoons over how they “moooove sensationally.” She then gets the audience going when she cheekily adds that if they look this good at 9:30 in the morning, she would love to see how they look after midnight.
Piers tells them if they keep that up they could go all the way in the competition.
David calls them awesome.

Jason Pritchett has wanted to be a Country Western star since he was a kid.

Sharon claims she has certain articles of clothing at home that are older than he is, but she finds him very talented.
Piers says there was nothing wrong with the performance…it was just a bit bland.
David tells him he has a great look, a great sound, a beautiful voice, and great charisma.

Then Piers rushes them into voting, and David says, “Gawd, you are like a bad pastor…. Who made you the boss of the show? Shut up!!”

Terry Fader is a ventriloquist the judges first groan at. But when his doll, Emma Taylor, belts out a stunning Ella Fitzgerald imitation, singing “At Last”, they are blown away.

Sharon Confesses that when he came onstage she was thinking, “Oh, Lordy, Lordy,” but, she says, he is brilliant.
Piers tells them he has genuinely never seen any ventriloquist do an impression of singers. That was good, he says.
David liked it, too, he says, and asks for an a capella encore. Fader, or Taylor, does Ashley Simpson—just opening her mouth with no sound coming out.
So cute: as the guy leaves the stage, his Emma gushes, “We made it!”

Francisse Elaine is ten years old and has many reasons for loving to sing, among them the fact that it inspires people and because, well, that’s her passion. I’m sorry, but I don’t care how mature (precocious) a kid is, she shouldn’t yet have or understand the word “passion”.

Well, she may have been passionate on stage, and she started out really well, but then, as Randy would say, she was “pitchy”.

David says it is a tough song to sing, but in a couple of years she will do it. Now, she is too nasally, he says, which gets Francisse crying. David tells her to not cry for she was very brave, proud, or something to do it in the first place.
Sharon says, “Listen, in a couple years, whooo, you are gonna be hot.”
Piers tells her to dry her tears because she has entered an adult talent competition, and show biz is tough, and she must dust herself off and say next time she will be better. Wooof.

Butterscotch is twenty-one years old, has or shows the antithesis of “passion”: Butterscotch says she would much rather do music than talk, so leave her the hell alone. No, actually, she is cool with all the cameras. She is even cooler as a beat-boxer who also sings at the same time! Awesome and unique, and one of my favorites for the night.

Sharon notes how her timing is impeccable, she never missed a beat, she was fluid and effortless in her delivery, and absolutely brilliant. [Now that’s a critique.]
Piers tells Butterscotch they have seen quite a few beat-box acts, and “comfortably,” he says, she is the best.
David says she was awesome—like an L-girl show—and not one of the best but the best.

John England loves the bigtime, and being on this show means everything. He steps on stage in a Liberace-style American flag and sparkled tuxedo, and sits at the piano to play “New York, New York.”

David buzzes. Piers buzzes. Sharon—no, Piers—buzzes Sharon’s buzzer.

Sharon says what a very, very bad Piers, and tells John she thought he was amazing.
Piers apologizes, but was putting the audience out of their misery, he says. He adds that the act was the kind he dreads will be in the piano bar on holiday.
Piers also challenges Sharon’s taste, asking how she could like that and be friends with Elton John. Yes, she says, and Elton would adore England, she adds.
But David caps it with an “all due respect, no.”

Danny Flores is not really Danny Flores. He is “Mr. Heart and Soul.” He is also not really any of the acts he professes: he says he is a mime, and out there in white-face, he sings…or screeches. He also tells us in pre-show interview that he is the originator of strutting-popping-wave? That he taught Michael Jackson…?

Jerry Springer is adorable as he peeks onstage and says, “Oh, this is going to be ugly.”

Sharon is so horrified she is silent.
Piers knocks Mr. H&S for claiming to be a mime but singing, and adds that the guy has an absolutely appalling singing voice, so if he were him, he’d keep quiet.
David is so disgusted he just says, “Some days you know it’s a mistake to come to work.”

Charlie King professes a “special talent” for harmonic overtone style consisting of tube and whistling something, all of which is done in an Appalachian accent and included in the lyrics of a song that even the dog would wince and refuse to howl at. And this guy has announced he is “quite exceptional.”

Piers says it sounded like a beached whale; David tries for a better analogy and uses the bad frog, but none can come close to no, no, no than, well, “Absolutely 100% no.” Maybe this was for the final act, but thank you David Hasselhoff, anyway.

And thank you for also reminding us that one of the main goals—as Piers usually reminds us, when he has not gone loopy—of “America’s Got Talent” is to find, uh, talent.

The final act of the night is a sweet, tubby little thing named Luigi. I mean, make that “Boy Shakira.” He is dressed in a belly dancing costume, has a curly wig, and has a connection to her, he says, because she is real.

He jumps, I mean jumps around, does some belly shaking, and the judges let the act go on and on and on. But, oh, it gets better.

First David thanks him for coming and says that it is a competition for a million dollars and he does not think Luigi is worth that.
Sharon says he is genuine (a buzzword which of course delights Luigi).
Piers says that against his better judgment he began to like it.
David is pissed…as the 100% no doesn’t hold when Sharon says 100% yes and Piers puts him through.

And, breathe, breathe, pant, pant…, the show finally ends with David running off to his dressing room, Piers following, and the sound of Hasselhof yelling that Piers must be out of his mind.

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