I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty by Roxanne McDonald

Between the way the Baywatch Big Brother butter makes the bods respond, the way Dustin makes Joe feel, and the way the picture makes Jen breakdown and she makes her feel, episode 2 of Big Brother 8 is already going to more primping, posturing, and pissing.

Pissing contents and pissing off repeats, that is:

Two of the women are already going apoplectic and having sobbing fits. Amber is consumed by love for and need to

help her family members: she wants to like, get like, a LOT of money (like 25,000!) and like, hand it over to her mom. Jen is excessively fixated on the way she appears in the Wall of Game picture of her. She perceived this as a joke, an insult, and as something so important she has to LITERALLY sob and sob and sob about it.

For Chrissake, you’d think they had been in the house, on slop, and deprived of sensory stimuli for six months! And it has only been, like, days?

And the twisted plot strategy on the part of the producers to introduce rivals…well, that is coming along just as swimmingly: Daniel is insulted by Dick being concerned she has lost too much weight and hates, too, the way he drops names [Madonna, Richard Gere, Stray Cats bass players, Motley Crue members, Johnny Depp, Alice Cooper, Jackass members, The Ataris members, Oprah, and Cher]; Dick is bummed the brat won’t even hug him—not right now, maybe later, she snips;

Daniel says this is a lot harder than she thought it would be; Dick is saying this is a lot harder than he thought it would be.

Joe and Dustin are attempting to have a civil discussion, but Joe has brought up the gonorrhea debacle again and has announced he is campaigning to get Dustin out; Dustin tells Joe that whenever he thinks about him he shakes…shakes like an epileptic in a video arcade; Joe says he had been able to see the two of them together once, for a very long time, but then the only good Dustin ever did him—while he was spoon-feeding Dustin’s LIFE—was make Joe feel pretty.

Whew. Breathe, people.

And then there are the thinkin-they-are-so-clever-and-wiley two, Jessica and Carol. They seem more nervous about confrontation [and who can blame them], and instead agree that a father-daughter problem and a scorned lover debacle are far more drastic. Carol says they can use the notion of their rivalry to their advantage, and Jessica wholeheartedly agrees. Of course, that’s in person. To us, Carol says

Jessica is stuck-up and Jessica says she doesn’t trust Carol. And ever the profoundly metaphysical one, Jessica also discusses how she would never deign to curl her hair, but it works for Carol.

Daniel is scoffing how you don’t need a family, that a dog is sufficient.

Jameka is thinking since she and Joe were 2nd place in the first HoH competition, they will easily be targets.

Kail’s thinking differently, but first everyone must go and check out her HoH digs—which are neo-industrial and in the colors—I think—of the American flag with some black for balance.

Kail’s first order of business is to start a Final Four alliance with Zach and Mike—telling them they can pick the fourth. They agree on Nick, and he is delighted to be asked: he says with all seriousness that he will gladly be one of Mrs. Robinson and her three boys. Goo goo ga choo.

The who gets to eat challenge involves two giant boxes of popcorn and two giant grease dispensers—well, Big Brother Butter dispensers. [The production team has been good to label such items, now, including the Big Brother Slop, which has a nutritional label on its ten-gallon vat that looks like it is ready for purchase on Ebay.]

The food competition is really just another way to get the houseguests down to almost no clothing…and all greasy and glistening in the sun.

Jameka says everybody looked disgusting, and she doubts anyone is thinking “ooh, I want some of that [in my bed tonight];� but Mike believes everybody looked “super sexy,� “like Baywatch,� he adds.

I love slo mo, but the Baywatch take-off didn’t do much for me knowing what that goo consists of, typically—the stuff you ask NOT to be added to your popcorn at the movies but prefer to use to lube your bushings….

Anyway.

Blue Team vs. Red Team, both working to transport the butter/grease from the pumps to the popcorn; greatest number of pounds (ew) of butter wins.

Blue Team collects 37 pounds; Red collects 77 pounds.

So this week on slop are Jameka (who before tasting slop speculates it is like oatmeal, one of her favorite dishes, but who then announces it is so not as good); Jessica; Joe; and Daniele; and I think Nick and Dick…. I don’t know for sure, as the cams were of course all over the place and cutting so quickly, while the BB8 players have such oddly inappropriate facial expressions that I couldn’t tell who was eating what. And speaking of…, we used to see the amazing spread the winners get. This time, it seemed pretty anti-climactic, with the Red Team shown jumping up and down and cheering and then the cuts to the slop kitchen….

Finally everyone can find out whether they are safe or not, with the first key round table thing: Kail explains that Amber and Carol are up for nomination because when the three rivals/latecomers decided on HoH, they used the performance factor as a guide; and this is what she has done—nominating for eviction the two least effective performers in that ride-the-mushroom for HoH competition.

And Amber is crying again. Alot.

As Dustin says, it’s going to be a long drawn-out summer.

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