Apologies and Congrats to Charm School’s Saaphyri
Apologies and Congrats to Charm School’s Saaphyri by Roxanne McDonald
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I don’t know what happens to me at finale time. Either I go into a coma or the fates have it that I am sucked from my cave and away from the TV just when the getting done is good. But belated congrats go out to Saaphyri! |
Just as I have missed two “Survivor” finales and a TV Guide worth of other final episodes of shows I faithfully, obsessively followed all season, I missed the finale for “Flavor of Love
Girls’ Charm School.” Dammit! I at least wanted to squeeze in a few more slanderous insults and swearing in my TV-watching repertoire, for as we all know, there is just so little of those.
I also wanted to personally witness Becky, a.k.a. BuckWild, take the trophy for most improved: after all, she cut down on the crassness, almost completely stopped the switching of Caucasian to African American affect of speech, and didn’t get “Buckwild” with any of the production staff—though she did slip into Black vernacular for us when she was in the confession chambers and she did allude to being hot for the drill sergeant, Andrew Firestone, and other guest lecturers….
But evidently, I missed more than I feared.
Charm School and the Unnecessary Recap
“Charm School” and the Unnecessary Recap by Roxanne McDonald
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Production decides to recap what we have seen thus far (in “Charm School’s Wildest Moments” episode)…before the show has finished. |
And I add to the redundancy.
From what I recall of my Shakespeare studies, the bard would repeat material, because the audiences were so loud and rambunctious the chances were pretty good they would miss something the first time around.
But as fun to watch as “Charm School” is, it aint Shakespeare…and we are not the ones who need the recap.
I know, I know, it is a strategic decision on the part of the producers—to either stall (I think) and drag out the season or to hype the upcoming finale.
How many times we need to see chicks fighting or hear an expert in etiquette admonish them is in question…though the one redeeming effect of the retrospective (and hence my saving grace concession) is that it includes never-before-seen takes.
P is for P—-
P is for P—- by Roxanne McDonald
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Players, professionals, parolees, pushovers, and one “Whore of ‘Charm School’” make for some mighty fine 9th commandment lessons. Or not. |
Commandment 9, “Unless Thou Can Play, Thou Wilt Be Played,” is a lesson about relationships, says Headmistress Mo. Poor Mo, little does she know that not only have few of the girls learned diddly, but one will carry her deluded self right back to day one of “Charm School.”
A very savvy Mr. Tariq King Flex Nasheed is introduced as a relationship expert and author of books on the subject, and Becky editorializes for us, saying how she believes Mr. TKN is a straight up pimp. Yes, Becksters, that was Mo’s
intention—to expose you to more of what you don’t need.
Well, actually, that is the challenge for the week: to be exposed (NOT to expose yourself, ladies…) to seven men. Now, one of those men is an “urban renaissance man.” The rest, well, they will turn out to be playahs, pros, and parolees, those very men who lure the unwitting with so many baby babys and trick them into doing all kinds of good TV stuff.
Whoever identifies the urban renaissance man will be safe from expulsion.
Brooke inadvertently gives us a nice little foreshadowing, asking hunky teacher if to discern who is who one might sleep with each and every one.
The Girls Giveth Back, Alright
The Girls Giveth Back, Alright by Roxanne McDonald
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Saaphyri gives what little she has; Leilene gives up the last heirloom of her dead mother; and Larissa and Shay give it to Schatar. |
I can’t wait till this last giving effort is revealed. Did Larissa and Shay not remember their every move is being televised?
Whoooo, doggie.
Okay, so this week, the Charm School girls are to learn the 7th commandment: Though shalt payeth it back.
Brooke thinks it has to do with working on the side of the road with the prisoners.
Mo explains that being fortunate means to give the clothes…off their backs—to a local charity thrift shop called Out of the Closet. Each will grab all they can to give up, will do so with one teammate, will take the possessions to be valued, and will then have a running total. The lowest total will see that team on the carpet.
Schatar and Darra team up.
Becky and Saaphyri team up.
Leilene and Brooke team up.
Shay and Larissa team up.
Mikki checks in as the girls are going through their
belongings, and Saaphyri is sad, as she has so little to begin with. Mikki is kind and tells her it is not the amount she gives but the quality of the giving spirit.
Becky is happy and proud to be working with Saaphyri.
Keith makes his rounds, and stopping at Leilene and Brooke’s packing efforts, expresses concern that Leilene’s stripper stuff—what others call the skanky stuff—won’t sell. So Leilene desides to go for the most valuable thing she has…her dead mom’s rings.
Brooke is concerned, too. She thinks the rings will put their team in the lead, but worries that irreplaceable items shouldn’t be sacrificed.
Charming and Comical Go beforeth Bratty and Bitchy
Charming and Comical Go beforeth Bratty and Bitchy: Class Clown Courtney Gets Expelled by Roxanne McDonald
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Sometimes the most likely candidate for expulsion stays because she needs “Charm School” more, evidently. |
Larissa is a top example of what one girl can do to get kicked out but end up staying, what with her screaming and intransigence and all….
But when the theme of the season is growth, and another is “just keeping the bed warm,” not doing much to evolve, she will go before the brat.
Such was the case for Courtney, class clown.
Okay, so this week’s experience I will only loosely recap, as much better (and way funnier) reporters covered the episode much better…at, say, Fans of Reality TV. (read more…)
A Boob Dress for Bush, Curtain Couture for the Boss
A Boob Dress for Bush, Curtain Couture for the Boss by Roxanne McDonald
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It’s all about style for the Charm School girls, but, oh, how subjective is that word. |
The girls of Charm School are already on Commandment Four, “Thou shall work what thou has to work with.” And half of them have trouble even reiterating the rule. Understanding it is another thing. From their first lesson, they are oddly inclined. Mo’Nique calls them down to the grand assembly room or whatever, instructing them to “dress to impress.”
Saaphyri (I think) says that could mean anything from dressing to impress the president to Jay-Z, then proceeds to don a silky leopard print slip which allows her boobs to spill out for days….
Uhhh, yuh, they didn’t quite understand, says Mo’Nique, as she gasps at their interpretations: Schatar is in a full length ball gown (though it is a very pretty blue brocade); and
Becky has gone sparkles and strips.
The mentor of the day is celebrity stylist Jonathan Snell, who works alongside Mikki to teach the girls some style tricks. They use Becky as their example, first. Well, she impresses, Mikki finding she has a “defined” look, and Snell just kind of furrows his brow. Becky tells us she doesn’t dress like a slut but a slot machine—slut, slot, it’s all the same she yukks.
Mikki says that Schatar knows what works for her; and poor Saaphyri is called up—explaining how since she doesn’t have a lot of money but has a lot of boobs that she workseth with whats she gotseth.
Well, that was the prompt.
Charm School under the Influence
Charm School under the Influence by Roxanne McDonald
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“Charm School” may have been inspired by what Mo’Nique says is her disgust at “Flavor of Love” girls’ behavior, and may be (well, is) the second spin off of “Flavor of Love.” It has also likely taken influence from “Ladette to Lady.” |
At least in format and framing, the popular Vh1 show “Charm School” (now in its second episode) is very similar to the show that is set in Eggleston Hall in Teesdale, England. “Ladette to Lady,” which first aired in 2005 in Great Britain and elsewhere and then came to America via the The Sundance Channel in 2006, has the same premise:
“Ladette to Lady,” writes a Wikipedia contributor, follows eight ladettes (i.e. loud, foul-mouthed, uncultured and unpleasant women, who like to drink and smoke and who are often sexually promiscuous) in Britain, who are given a five-week course in learning how to behave like a real lady.”
“Charm School” is following the unlikely development of twelve girls (now ten) as they scream (Saaphyri); swear and use booty humor in inappropriate settings and at
inappropriate times (Becky does a no-booty rap for Andrew Firestone at a civilized and monitored dinner testing the girls’ etiquette, grace, and poise); drink and smoke (though that was New York’s thing); and are [it is implied, mostly] sexually promiscuous (Becky, again, is the target of Ms. Colette Swan, who is teaching the girls poise, grace, and etiquette around the dinner table, while walking, and while sitting—and when she observes that as Becky sits she can see her “little Britney,” Becky tells the confession cam she doesn’t care about showing her vagina…though she wouldn’t mind showing it to the drill sergeant.)
The women of “Ladette to Lady” are living at the finishing school,Eggleston Hall, where they taught by five instructors, including a headmistress of sorts, and where they conform by wearing the mandatory tweed uniform with “sensible shoes” and a pearl necklace. The Charm School girls live in what Becky decides is just like the Playboy Mansion, wearing requisite Catholic school girl uniforms with their own shoe choices…which leaves Heather to come to etiquette class with red come-f-me pumps (a move she that will count against her in the Expulsion round, you recall).
The girls also wear their own dresses for special occasions, such as for the second episode’s etiquette test dinner and pre-dinner socializing. And there is where the girls get really bad—or one does: Schatar steals Heather’s 400-dollar! Dress and her 1500-dollar1 suit, and then, when paired with Heather for a tete a tete with Andrew Firestone (wherein the best-mannered will be invited by Andrew to dinner), mentions very snakily how she is glad to see Heather has gotten over the missing dress debacle she—heh-heh—was responsible for. This makes Heather nuts, and even Mo and Mikki watching the monitors and praying for her to keep her cool doesn’t help.
Charm School Girls Arrive on the Yellow Bus
Charm School Girls Arrive on the Yellow Bus by Roxanne McDonald
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This is gonna be a motley bunch… on a bumpy ride. |
The Flavor Flav names have been changed, old (birth) names restored, and new titles assigned:
Serious is now The Egomaniac , Cristal.
Hottie is now The Crazy Girl, Schatar
Rain is now The Screamer, Thela
Smiley is now The Crier, Leilene
Pumkin is now The Spitter, Brooke
Toastee is now The Porn Girl, Jennifer
Like Dat is now The Slob, Dara
Buck Wild is now The Blackest White Girl, Becky.
Buckeey is now The Balcony Brawler (1), Shay
Krazy is now The Balcony Brawler (2), Heather, though she wanted to be called Nevaeh, her stage name and the word “heaven” spelled in reverse.
Bootz is now The Hater, Larissa
Saaphyri is now The Fighter, and is still Saaphyri (pronounced “safari”?), though Monique says the name on Flavor of Love was associated with “ugly”—cause this is the girl’s real name. Yikes.
Goldie is now The Puker, Courtney
So Mo’Nique, having re-christened them with their names and with pledge pins, has taken it upon herself to refine the girls’ bad habits, poor social skills, and funky-ass personality defects.
Charm School Promo Promises More than Wrestling Matches in Schoolgirl Uniforms
Charm School Promo Promises More than Wrestling Matches in Schoolgirl Uniforms by Roxanne McDonald
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Promotions run during intermissions of the Flavathon this weekend inform us with the understatement of the week that thirteen girls have a “chance to change their misguided ways.” |
As if. Like a Jerry Springer effort to change his guests to aristocrats, Mo’Nique will be attempting to guide the former Flavor of Love contestants in the ways of etiquette and class.
As Mo’Nique–who was as horrified as we all were, she says, by the girls’ behavior on Flav’s show–introduces (or re-introduces) us to the girls and the girls to real reality, she will tell them, “You all made your
TV debut on ‘Flavor of Love.’ The world was not laughing with you, we were laughing at you.”
The “Charm School” folks have designed a “curriculum” to “teach these ladies to be strong, fabulous ladies” (kinda like the goal of “The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll” to “empower” women who make appearances in their undies to perform on stripper poles).
Flavor of Love Favorites Learn Charm
Now that’s What I’m Talkin Bout Er, Or, Now, that is What I am Referring to, if You Please by Roxanne McDonald
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I wonder what the fabulous, or charming, Mo’Nique will do away with first: foul language, floozy hairdos, no-fat diets, or far too familiar lines such as “Let’s get Buck wild”? |
Take one popular comedienne, two seasons of “Flavor of Love,” and thirteen young women formerly vying for Flava Flav’s love by throwing everything from invectives to icky shoes…and you have yet another offshoot reality TV show ala Jerry Springer meets the girls of The Bachelor.
Mo’Nique is a quasi-legend, I understand. With a portfolio including everything from SRO stand-up and host work at The Apollo to roles on “The Parkers” and in hits like Domino and Phat Girlz to her Queens of Comedy Tour to her plus-sized beauty pageant, Mo’Nique’s Fat Chance, she has the presence. Then, given her tendency toward taking a stance—with her book, Skinny Women Are Evil, or her position in regards to getting booted from a United Airlines passenger plane for taking up two seats and for having an electric hair dryer in an overhead bin—the new Vh1 show, “Charm School,” should offer some telling moments.
But while the serious premise of training Flav’s rejects for poise, proper etiquette, and perfected social skills is at the forefront of “Charm School,” the grooming process (which is also a game show elimination process) is promised to be comical, too, according to Celebrity Spider reporters and writers at Zap2it.
Flavor of Love favorites (in alphabetical order: Bootz, Buckey, Buckwild, Goldie, Hottie, Krazy, Like Dat, Pumkin, Rain, Saaphyri, Serious, Smiley, and Toasteee) will compete in “etiquette boot camp,” vying this time not for a man’s love but for money–$50k—and for the soon-to-be-prestigious title, “Charm School Queen.”
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