Who Will Be Crowned? Who Cares?

Who Will Be Crowned? Who Cares? by Roxanne McDonald

Living up to their “Crowned” names not going to be a problem for the contestants. Now if we can only remember them.

I was out doing errands and trusting my DVR to take over the viewing (and recording)

first. When I arrived back at home, I did so mid-show. And boy howdy was I more than surprised—not because the show did the opposite of letting me down as I anticipated it would but because the drama was so trumped up I had to check with the INFO button to make sure I wasn’t watching a parody.
The first installment of “Crowned: The Mother of All Beauty Pageants” was in the throes of the first de-sashing. One set of contestants was being told it was time…. As they emoted more than necessary over that, another judge said it was time for the de-sashing of…opponents. Wayull, Lawd almightee, they went right into paroxysms of apoplexy, all histrionic, sobbing, gooping, fake-resisting the task of kicking competitors to the curb as the hyperbolic soap opera meets real opera music stretched on and on in the background.

Now, who went home first? Who has so brazenly, ashamedly lost the right to the gilded and glitzy symbol of superbeautyteam?

Uhhh. Ooops. Didn’t bother noting that. I think Blonde Bombs got rid of clearly-too-intellectual for a superficial show—yeah, the Reigning A’s.

Here are the newly fabricated team names, by the way, which made up the first challenge of making a good first impression…which, if ya ask me, NONE of them did.

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Soon to be Scrapping in Your Living Room: Crowned

Soon to be Scrapping in Your Living Room: Crowned by Roxanne McDonald

The teasers promise to bring us prom-dress pageantry, plenty of passive-aggression, and the most obnoxious of prima donna pissy fits.

In anticipation of tonight’s premiere episode, the CW network site offers bios of the “Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants.” Ick.

Mom Pamela and daughter Felicia, in their homemade a-lines, have no pageant experience. Uh-oh. Here we go. You know when the CW (or any network) has a template of

blanks-to-be-filled that includes an either/or category, there’s the contrastive element, there’s the conflict, there’s the fight: cha-ching.
Mom Andrea and daughter Amanda have competed in pageants previously (Mom was crowned), but their hoochie outfits suggest the shows may have misled the pair…right to reality TV.

Mom Brenda and kid Heather (with Heather’s experience in local competitions of yore and Mom’s “working very hard” to prepare her daughter for them) are just way too blonde.

Mom Patty and kid Laura just remind me of the decade the circuits went all apoplectic about whether or not fake boobs and nose work could be allowed (and tell me maybe there shoulda been a cut-oof mark indicating how MUCH Michael Jackson work you could have done, yee gawd)—and suggest that the production team of “Crowned…” has thrown in a few first-to-be-de-sashed uggos for the premiering episodes.

Mom Angela, with no pageant experience, is there by the side of daughter Tenia, who reflects on past pageant experience by saying how the girls she competed with weren’t her “cup of tea.” Ya think these TV beauties (and I say the word with tongue in cheek) will be any different, T?

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