Dice Undisputedly Pitiful

Dice Undisputedly Pitiful by Roxanne McDonald

And I am pitiful…not only for watching again but for writing about “Dice Undisputed” again.

Watching and then writing about “Dice Undisputed” again is like eating some funky-ass food that makes you grimace and say to your fellow diner, “Eeeww. Here, taste this.”

I’m sorry, but I have to share my observations and opinions again, anyway.

This week, the emphasis on making a comeback as the greatest comic legend ever, or what have you,

is in the coat selection at a rock star boutique. If he gets the right jacket, it seems, he will be a hit again.
So new jacket and new hairdo to embolden him, Dice takes to the Wendy Williams Experience (for which you should also check out her site, with bobble head and all), where, he says, Wendy Williams is like a female Howard Stern.

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You Wanna See Something Really Funny?

You Wanna See Something Really Funny? by Roxanne McDonald

Maybe the one saving grace for Dice Undisputed will be the hilarity—not of the show itself or in the stand-up clips but in the adventures of Mutt and Jeff.

I hate to harp on Dice, but there is one funny element to the show, what with the two friends like boys with short attention spans and even shorter memories of slights and transgressions between them. The stand-up clips are not all that funny. There’s nothing all that unique or gut-busting about “Dice Undisputed” in general. But as I watched the re-run of the re-run of a show that had just barely hit the airwaves (or digital system or whatever), I found myself chuckling…at the quirky Mutt and Jeff, or better yet, Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton, relationship.

Dice rags Todd in the airport, outside the airport, on the first floor of the hotel, the top floor of the hotel, outside the hotel, on the street, down the road, in the car, etc., etc., etc.. Intermittently, however, he seems to forget to be frustrated or “tired out” by Todd, and Dice gets all

close and buddy-buddy, sharing memories of his first road days, challenging Todd to be able to lie on back and throw pillow far enough up that it hits the ceiling, or calling Todd back to the rental car after he has “fired” him, telling him to “come on, let’s make up” and then, as Todd sheepishly returns and after the buds have hugged, says, “Hey, who wawnt chew heah, huh?”
They snipe and snap and Dice pokes and pinches with insults. They separate. They re-unite, the skinny, gangly lad and the big bullish brute, arm-in-arm. Friends again.
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Dice is Undisputed So Far—by a GF, a Mgr,…

Dice is Undisputed So Far—by a GF, a Mgr,… by Roxanne McDonald

The self-proclaimed heavyweight or “comic hero” brings it on in episode two of “Dice Undisputed.”

In the first episode, we watched the biggest fight of the century. He swung, he missed, he went down for the count…in a match with his girlfriend.

In the second episode, he gets it on with his pitiful little road manager, Todd. This guy is a lightweight against Clay’s heavyweight status. Physically, anyway. But it

appears Todd is more of a match when it comes to verbal altercation. They two are traveling together, Dice on his tour as a comeback king—or, as he would have it, “comic hero”. Todd is his accompaniment. Evidently, Todd gets on Dice’s nerves, spending too much money for, heaven forbid, food.
They get in the car to drive somewhere. Dice yells for Todd to not be so mean. Todd retorts for Dice to not be so mean. They agree that Dice has a hard *%%^$&&* life.

The argument picks up again. Dice throws a punch. Todd ducks and weaves. [Figuratively, folks.] Dice [literally] tells Todd to get the &^$%# out of the car. Todd humps it to the curb, gets on his cell phone, and calls for a pick-up service to come get him and take him to the airport. Where is he? Uhhh, somewhere on I-92 East.

Dice calls for Todd to get back in the car.

“You said what you need to.”
“And you said what you needed to.”

Ahhh, another cathartic half hour of “Dice Undisputed.”

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Well, Dice, it’s a Crap Shoot

Well, Dice, it’s a Crap Shoot by Roxanne McDonald

The heavyweight returns—to stage and TV screens, yelling and %@#@^*(( all the way through every $%#@^^ episode.

Okay, so reality TV is most appealing when there’s conflict or controversy. I may be mixing metaphors as we go, here, but the return of the heavyweight, Andrew Dice Clay, to the comedy stage is the attempt, he says, to return to the ring as a super contendor. The man who “sold out the Garden in 30 minutes,” says one announcer, is back for the fight. Controversial, conflicted, and bringing the conflict. Kinda like good fiction. Uh. Not.

Andrew Dice Clay brings his reality TV show to fans, those who remember him, and maybe even a few neophytes he can pick up along the way. In the premier episode of “Dice: Undisputed,” we hear Dice say how he is sick and tired of living in his own shadow—whatever that means. We learn that “people are angry again…like they were in the 80’s,” that “they’re sick and tired of being pissed off.” At least he didn’t say “of being sick and tired.” What they need, we learn, is “a comic hero.”

That’s Dice’s plan, anyway.

He gets in a car with somebody (his brother?) and explains which is the A cam and which is the B cam.
He gets into a fight with his girlfriend/fiancé: “I’ll change the soap. I’ll change girlfriends.” Oh, goodie. Another Bonaduce moment. No, actually, Bonaduce is a much beloved, much more sympathetic “character”. Let’s say Dice is the latest Tom Sizemore.

Anyway. Dice flies somewhere. Agent, maybe. Dice is presenting his plan—to make a comeback with stand-up and a reality TV show. As one could almost bet on happening, the guy’s intercom clicks on, secretary says he has a phone call which he “has to take.” Dice takes the cue, rises, then lingers. Agent guy gets off phone and says, with a grin, “Debbi Gibson.” Dice is deadpan: “Debbie Gibson. You say that like it’s even a person.”

There are flashbacks of Dice’s earlier comedy sets, in a muted black and white…. Lots of laughs.

Dice does Dangerfield’s, where ticket holders in line tell the camera they &$%%#& love hearing all that &^$#@$$&.

He opens his set with the greatest thing about *&^^%#%#**.

The crowd is happy.

Uncle Lee, Todd (a weird and weirdly abused mini-me/mini-manager?), and Dice go to eat. Name of the restaurant? Don’t know, but the food, oh, man, the food looks awesome: big piles of corned beef. Double dishes of double-dipped fat fries. Noodly soup.

&*^%$#@^^ yum. So far, it’s the best &*%&#&&8**@@ thing about the show.

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