Meaty, Beaty, Big and Bouncy
Meaty, Beaty, Big and Bouncy: Who Will the New “Flavor of Love” Girls Be? by Roxanne McDonald
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Who will be in the final 21: the playah hatah, the tranny, the stripper [one of them], the lesbian spy, or the good old gal with a flora legium of flesh? |
If the only ones to audition are those twenty-five who are featured on flavoroflovecasting.com, then each one’s chances are really good.
Oh, ohhhkayyy, I see how the site is set up. I was looking at just the latest, newest women to apply. There are actual some 172 pages of twenty-five girls per page. What is that? Whoa. 4300.
Shall we look at some of those who hope to try for Flav’s time, air time, or our time? Won’t consider all of them, here, for that would be one helluva long entry, and will forego the Sergeant Beverlys and the Hot Chocolates who make Flav react the way Tommy did to Jaime Fox’s masseuse on “In Living Color…,” so I will note the ones I wager will appear in the premiere episode of “Flavor of Love 3”:
They’re Ba-a-a-ck
They’re Ba-a-a-ck: Flaa-va-Flav! by Roxanne McDonald
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Flava Flav is back for a third try at Flavor of Love success. |
And as the new hopefuls audition, the former Flavorettes are there to comment, critique, and caution.
Saaphyri has all one-color hair—beautiful black—and is somewhat more graceful having gone through the rigors of Monique’s Charm School.
Becky is still outspoken and spunky as all get-out, giving advice on what NOT to do: throwing shoes, etc. is a no-no, she warns.
Schatar is less lofty and more jocular, and methinks has amped up the blue eye shadow application.
Goldie is as vibrant and sarcastic as ever, giving some good criticism that is likely scripted but that only Goldie can deliver so innocuously…even the bellicose comments.
Flavathon Season One, Episode Five
Flavathon Season One, Episode Five by Roxanne McDonald
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Flavor of Love marathon is imperative for the student of “Flavor of Love” participants, for knowing the references New York makes on “I Love New York,” and now, for knowing the background of “Charm School,” hosted by Mo’Nique. So get studying reality TV aficionados! |
Still Hoping to Learn What Time it is: Goldie, Hoopz, Hottie, New York, Oyster, Pumkin, and Smiley.
“What Happens in Flavor Stays in Flavor”
Flav-o-gram! He is already a lucky man, he says, but he wants to see who his Lady Luck is…so he tells them to pack their bags for Vegas, baby!
Sweetie’s chicken phobia is replaced with Pumkin’s fear of flying, though the girls are surprisingly supportive (rather than saying how it’s good there will be one less in the running, etc.), and Goldie even kisses Pumkin’s forehead cause “she doesn’t complain.”
Hottie is once again in the world of Hottie, oblivious to other’s issues and telling us how when she is in Vegas she “completely fit[s] in.”
Well, they are all going to fit in, because Flav has sent them a rack of designer dresses, which they squeal over and grab and put on, heading to the roulette table where the next challenge awaits them. Each has a set amount of money which Flav will play as they lean on, fawn over, and touch him as he gambles…to test their luck factor.
Hoopz and Goldie get all their cash lost, while Smiley wins Flav a lot. Then the driven New York is up, saying she has a third eye which everyone questions or scoffs at…until she
keeps winning and keeps winning and ends up with what she surmises is “at least seven to eight pounds of chips.” If they are going by weight…?
Pumkin reports that at that moment, “everybody’s heart sank,” but, she adds, more power to him if he wants to be with “some nasty ass bitch like that.”
New York has a response to that (doesn’t she always?), saying that she is sure “it was eating them up. I’m glad it did. I don’t want them feeling good. I’m sure they’ll find something to do—twiddle their thumbs, knit, play with themselves….”
Ahhh, New York. You don’t have to love her, but you gotta give her props for creativity of talk.
Flavathon Season One, Episode Four
Flavathon Season One, Episode Four by Roxanne McDonald
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“Flavor of Love marathon”: interested in seeing season one again? Miss the first installments? Want to get psyched for the spin-off, “Charm School,” with the first and second season contestants? Well here it is, again, in any case. |
Still Hoping to Learn What Time it is: Goldie, Hoopz, Hottie, New York, Oyster, Pumkin, Smiley, and Sweetie.
“The Flavor of Chicken”
Flav goes to New York and smooches her. It’s early a.m., and all are in their pjs except for Hottie, who is wearing what Goldies says is some satin scout outfit—“lookin’ like Gomer Pyle.”
As the girls line up on the staircase Bachelor style—though not in anticipation of any rose, yet—Flav ushers in and introduces his mother to them. Soon thereafter, he informs them they are all goin’ to church.
Flav tells us the “service was beautiful, man;” and “the chorus was slammin’…; everybody in that church was havin’ a good doggone time.”
At the same time, New York tells us she wanted to get in close with Moms—so she can tell her of her feelings for Flav.
This she takes the opportunity to do at the formal tea the girls attend with Moms, where Flav’s mother first tells the
girls who Flav is and what kind of woman he is looking for, and then where each girl has a moment sitting with Moms. While it’s Hotties turn in the hottie seat, New York interrupts and makes her declarations of love, which of course shocks Moms speechless.
Back at the crib, Moms and Flav look at the girls pictures and discuss, and Flav says that she will “definitely tell it like it is.” And does she ever.
Hoopz then decides she is going to tell Flav what time it is. Flav can’t figure her out, can’t put his finger on what it is about her…though he hopes “she’ll let [him] put [his] finger on it….”
He adds his assessment of Hottie, who he says has “got some big knockers,” and New York, “who he determines is “definitely eye candy.”
Flavathon Season One, Episode Three
Flavathon Season One, Episode Three by Roxanne McDonald
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Flavor of Love marathon…for anyone who missed season one; for anyone who just wants to revisit the glorious past that is New York and Flava Flavvvv!; for anyone who is so into “Flavor of Love” and its ongoing drama(s)…. |
Still Hoping to Learn What Time it is: Goldie, Hoopz, Hottie, New York, Oyster, Peaches, Pumkin, Serious, Smiley, and Sweetie.
“A Friend of Flav’s is a Friend of Mine”
Flav’s heh-heh challenge for the girls this time begins in a retirement home. As the girls all come bouncing and boisterous into the community living room, the old ladies drop their teeth, while the old men immediately latch on to the idea of sweet young things playing games with them and whatnot.
Someone has the idea (Flav?) that they will give foot
massages and pedicures, and New York almost continues the puking theme—gagging and showing how disgusted she is by standing up and walking away.
One elderly woman drops her dentures—literally, this time—and Sweetie helps her put them back in…actually puts them back in for her. “I love helping people,” she beams, “so I was like, ‘I’m in the house’ [with] that cha-ching moment!” Imagine how thrilled she’d have been had a resident needed a diaper changing.
Flavathon Season One, Episode Two
Flavathon Season One, Episode Two by Roxanne McDonald
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Flavor of Love marathon…. You know those pusher-men (and women) gotta keep us hooked…so they can remind us of the featured Flav favs…and so they can promote “Charm School,” the second “Flavor…” spin-off, believe it or not. |
Still Hoping to Learn What Time it is: Applez, Dimplez, Georgia, Goldie, Hoopz, Hottie, Miss Latin, New York, Oyster, Peaches, Pumkin, Rain, Serious, Smiley, and Sweetie.
“Rub a Dub Flav”
Hottie, who was so aggressive in episode one that Flav is
“feelin’ her” already (she is not only “dramatical” but tries to “hypmotize” him), tells the confession cams that this is all about “divide and conquer.” Uh-oh. Considering this comment and New York’s establish of herself as the evil force to be reckoned with, we are already in for some friction…to put it mildly.
On the ride to the first challenge—wherein Flav will spend ten quality minutes with each remaining girl and assess compatibility (or what Flav might call the feelin’ her factor)—friction it is. Rain calls New York on her nastiness, and New York of course will not let it go at that.
Flavathon Brings Back Season One for Those without TiVo
Flavathon Brings Back Season One for Those without TiVo by Roxanne McDonald
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Flavor of Love marathon…for those of us who missed season one; for those of us who just have to archive the episodes (for perfect reality TV posterity of course); or for those who want a sneak peek at “Charm School,” the second “Flavor…” spin-off, believe it or not. |
Hoping to Learn What Time it is: Applez, Bubblez, Cherry, Dimplez, Georgia, Goldie, Hoopz, Hottie, Miss Latin, New York, Oyster, Peaches, Picasso, Pumkin, Rain, Serious, Shellz, Smiley, Smokey, and Sweetie.
“Fifteen Beds and a Bucket of Puke”
So you know the routine, maybe: ostentatious dress, décor, and dames. Flav gives the girls new names. Then they begin with the games—complete with skinny-dipping in broad daylight, backbiting, and turning the manse into a vomitorium (Goldie gets drunk and pukes, making for an ongoing “Flavor of Love” theme for the season.)
But ahhhh, Flav is in his orgiastic heaven.
And the girls are expressing their joy (or rationalizing their being there to begin with).
They Say the Only Flavor He Has is in His Mouth?
They Say the Only Flavor He Has is in His Mouth? by Roxanne McDonald
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The critics are picking on Flav again, and this time including his new love, Deelishis. |
At TMZ.com and elsewhere, the general consensus is that their time is up (so Flav can take his clock and step off), that their coupledom is a wreck being showboated for [post-] ratings and all, and that their appearance as a couple is nothing more than a grossly mismatched reality TV stunt.
Yet, if you watched the series this second season, you might have discovered that while many of the
“contestants” were there to further their careers (or start them), Deelishis was quite content with hooking up with the odd little man for love. What do we know, anyway? We secretly hope for the weave-pulling cat fights; we look forward to the crashing and burning of the wannabe singers; and we watch re-run episodes as often as we take in the reunion shows—for Flavor of Love a “reunion” of slams, slurs, swearing, and shoe-throwing which rivaled the best of Jerry Springer.
A numerologist reporting to TMZ suggests Flav (formerly known as William Jonathan Drayton) and Deelishis (originally named Chandra Davis) are compatible. A survey of viewing habits reveals the finale of Flavor of Love was one of the “highest rated in Vh1 history.” And an informal sweep over the fan sites shows that despite her histrionic appeal, New York was so not right for the man who prefers peace over explosive attitudes and actions. So what the critics think might just have to take a second-row seat to what the fans believe and feel.
Sir Links Alot Flavor of Love Links
New York Talks Herself Right out of Flava’s Favor
New York Talks Herself Right out of Flava’s Favor by Roxanne McDonald
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We saw it coming, the mouth from the south (or north) made one too many blunders in front of “her man”. |
New York’s (Tiffany’s) presence on The Flavor of Love was unnerving to the other girls vying for Flava Flav’s love. Her comments and cocky, hoity toity attitude drove everyone nuts, despite how they made for great TV. And as many of us suspected (or hoped), her coo-coo manner was revealed to Flav, making him decide that her time was up.
As one betting on Delishis, I still was delighted by the progression of New York’s mania, misanthropy, and mealy mouthing.
She was creative in her slams, was tendentious in her duplicity, and gave us all a few thrills when she would do her commentary to the interview cams, announcing her superiority, denouncing the rights of other women to be in da house, and posturing as the ultimate Flava babe.
New York gave us some most incriminating dialogue. My favorites include, for example, how when she was preparing for her final night with Flav (in the final episode, “Flav Belize in Love”) and was gathering her purse and smokes and whathaveyou to walk out the door, she zinged [to Delishis], “I left my razor on the sink so you can shave your mustache….”
Whether these nasty comments were for the camera and audience’s benefit or not, many of us found ourselves first laughing (out of shock, I imagine) then hoping that the gentle and dignified Delishis would “win”. Not that Delishis couldn’t hold her own: at a breakfast or lunch in the shared housing quarters the day before, New York started in with her holier-than-all other girls shtick, trying her psyching out strategies, saying how she took such great pleasures in abusing Delishis, in taking out her aggressions and anger on her. New York also pointedly remarks how she is there because she authentically loves Flav while Delishis is there because, New York insists, she is a “money-grubber”.
Delishis very calmly responds that New York must not know about her baby’s father…who has “money on top of money on top of money.” This of course does not work to shut New York up, maybe because she doesn’t get what Delishis is implying, and so she continues to harass and harangue. So Delishis just calls her Whitney Houston—which does seem to at least slow the mouth down for a bit.
Poor Flava Flav–What All the King Must Contend With
Poor Flava Flav–What All the King Must Contend With by Roxanne McDonald
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Poor Flav–the peaceful one has to fend off the many efforts to break his serenity. |
As many shows this season are doing all of a sudden, The Flavor of Love has offered viewers a recap show before the finale. While this may be a stall tactic, may be a way to prolong the anticipation of the finale, or may just be necessary to scheduling around holidays and all…the recap/overview episode is revealing.
What the Flavor of Love reveals, however, is how mean the competing girls are and how doubly cruel some of the family members can be:
first shown is the first week, when the twenty girls fought over only fifteen beds.
One woman of course stakes out a bed that another one wants. The more vociferous, more rambunctious one challenges the other, and what we get to see in the unaired footage is an all-out cat fight with clawing and scratching and hair tearing.
One chick tells the cameras that she was just concerned about losing teeth and the other, the one who got tossed after Flav reviewed the tapes, talked about her 800-dollar weave getting ruined!
Flava Flav’s Women–of Questionable Taste?
Flava Flav’s Women–of Questionable Taste? by Roxanne McDonald
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So the final girls in contest for The Flavor of Love are [and/or were] questionably ill-fit, or underrated, or unexpectedly perfect for the man who has mad skills, mad amounts of money, and a mad need for a true partner. |
Krazy is not a negative kind of crazy but a likely contestant for American Idol who missed the audition calls and figured Flavor of Love would do.
Bootz is beautiful, tells it like it is, and continued to stay in Flavor’s favor, despite how she has refused to sleep with him until marriage (theirs or ?), though she finally had to learn her “time was up.”
Buckeey is [or was, boohoo] the top to Flav’s occasional bottom. In the bowling alley on their date, as they kiss and embrace, Buckeey commands him to grab her booty, and as he does as he is told, admits to her he loves a woman who tells her man what to do. She didn’t make time the way she should have, fighting with Krazy till she pushed a bit too far and too hard.
Delishis is not
as aggressive as Bootz toward her man (or as antagonistic with the other girls), but she holds her own and he shows authentic affection for her, just as she shows real motives for being there.
And New York is, well, out of control. She over (or under) dresses, over drinks, smokes, overexaggerates, overdramatizes, and…you get the idea. She is hell-bent on landing her true love, who just so happened to boot her ass out in the last season, and she is glad to start fights, engage in fights, and set others up for fights.
At the same time, Flava Flav is growing on those of us viewers who first might have discounted the whole Flavor of Love endeavor, and in his picked-out hair or non-pimpster/ganster outfits, seems a decent guy who isn’t all that bad looking or bad acting.
Flava Flav!! Workin’ the Love Machine
Flava Flav!! Workin’ the Love Machine by Roxanne McDonald
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Okay, so I was pretty sure that the celebreality TV show genre would bring us as close to RUNNING MAN attitudes as we would witness them in our lifetime. But some shows have accelerated this game show genre, putting it almost over the top. I’m just sayin’ … The Flavor of Love is certainly unique, certainly meets the criteria for television that is appealing, but is also whack. (Does anyone say that anymore?) Flavor of Love is The Bachelor with a “straight-up”, hip-hop “ghetto” rap turbo engine drivin’ it smack into the twenty-second century. |
Okay, so the bachelor (Flava Flav) does the dinner date, gondola ride, berry-pickin’ thing. He brings on the champagne. He works to get a connection with the contestants so he can find a partner. But Flava Flav adds a unique panache to the episodes/moments: he eats a giant lobster at that dinner that is way bigger than his head; he drinks and toasts with that champagne but also dumps it in dribbles on his plush carpet, in honor of the eliminated girls (the ones for whom “time’s up”); he does a lot of grab-ass and bedroom time, using the willingness of the girls to entertain, kiss, and be his queen as the measuring device that will help him decide who gets a Flava Flav clock (the emblem of his performer royalty in the form of giant bling hanging from a thick-ass rope).
Oh, yeah. Flav also renames all the girls–
from Jasmine to Payshintz, Tarasha to Bamma, Britney to Tiger, Tykeisha to Somethin’, Betty to Nibblz, from Darra to Like Dat. They’re his pets, his girlz, and he makes it known he is the man (or the “king”).
He gives private camera time, reporting on the happenings (one girl, for instance, poops on his stairs – though not out of spite but emergency) and his responses (giggles and comments on how he is tryin’ to “git past” all that, for example).
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