Rock of Love Redux

Rock of Love Redux by Roxanne McDonald

Rumor has it that “Rock of Love” 2 is in the works, and speculations abound about who will be the guest host of honor.

Whether it was a failure in hooking up Bret Michaels with a love (Jes Rickleff notified Michaels she was—and had been all along–taking up with a designer in Chicago) or whether it just made for filler entertainment that will introduce subsequent filler

entertainment (rumors have it there will be some sort of spin-off with Heather Chadwell and/or a new reality TV show featuring the same as well as Brandi C. and Kristia)—“Rock of Love” will return. In some permutated form, maybe, but also in sequel.
As if to thumb their teeth at the critics calling “Rock of Love” a train wreck of a show (despite its popularity), several of the women vying for the rocker chick girlfriend title have taken advantage of their 15 horrifying minutes of fame:

Rodeo has barbecue sauce and clothing line deals, all promoted by the one and only in the Bret cowboy hat castoff, and has done some slimming drug ads…I think.

Lacey has unflinchingly promoted her band by way of the show and after-show songs she has written.

One of the Brandis, it seems, is doing something in video, but not the kind we will see any time soon on Vh1 or any other prime time GP-rated network.

Jes, while low-key and insisting her life is back to normal, etc., what with work and the already-existing bf, also capitalizes on her few on-air weeks with a clothing line and a new jewelry line she is putting together.

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Take Two, They’re Small

Take Two, They’re Small: Bret Michaels Almost Chooses TWO Rocks of Love by Roxanne McDonald

If he had his way, he would have had two rocker girlfriends. But Bret Michaels made the best choice possible, according to many of us on the sidelines.

Maybe it was really a final test when Bret asked Heather and Jes if they would both be his girlfriend. But more, it

would have been one of those dream-on scenarios for the beautiful rocker seeking all the qualities of one woman as they were embodied by the remaining two…between whom Bret couldn’t, for a minute, there, choose.
We kinda knew—or hoped—that it wouldn’t be Heather. Not that there’s anything all that scandalous about her being a stripper, but she seemed a bit too rough around the edges. (If only she would have abstained from the loads of make-up: my God was she beautiful without any at all.) She was also what Bret consistently called a good “friend”, which we know is a moniker that won’t wash off as easily as all that face gunk.

In almost every episode, Bret commented on what a fine friend Heather was/is.

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Front Row Gets Bitched Out by Bret

Front Row Gets Bitched Out by Bret by Roxanne McDonald

And who can blame Bret Michaels for finally having to come down hard on the final four “Rock of Love” girls?

Well, three of the final four, anyway.

They—Heather, Lacey, and Brandi—have gotten a bit out of line. Lacey not only continues to manipulate for God knows what ulterior reason and then gets drunk with the band to the point where she is incoherent and impossibly combative; Brandi also gets so loaded that at dinner

[where she is supposed to be impressing Bret] she can’t even stifle with her napkin the projectile vomit that squirts out the sides [ew]; and Heather just refuses to support anyone or anything other than her own tendentious efforts to convince Bret she is the one.

Jes, however, repeatedly supports the weak, falling, and fallen—holding heads that puke over restaurant bowls, holding up the wickedest of lushes, and holding strong not just to impress Bret but because it is in her nature to do so.

Damned straight she should get [and did get] the one-on-one time this week, as she has the least baggage, has the cutest face, and has the kindest, most forthright demeanor.

The other three are just nasty in many senses of the word:

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I Call Shotgun!

I Call Shotgun! by Roxanne McDonald

I call shotgun for several reasons—starting with needing it to take some bad characters out of our misery and not just to take the front seat position away from undeserving freaks like Lacey.

Let’s do a check-in on the remaining “Rock of Love” girls,

instead of complaining about what is the inevitable fate of/regard for dating/reality competition shows, that is.

I am curious to see how I did with my initial consideration of the contenders for Bret’s “love” [on CDMusicRobot.com]…how my first impressions compare to current states of affairs.
Okay. Remember, I had little to go on other than a fifty-word bio on Vh1. Still, my instincts hit a couple of times:

Brandi M. I initially guessed how Brandi M. could be a good potential mate, what with her number of tats and being able to put her whole fist in her mouth. I also decided that despite being one of the most natural-looking and prettiest of the group, B.M. seemed likely to be one to Play Dirty, baby. Yep, remember how she confessed at a fine luncheon that she was known as BJ Brandi? Bret clearly liked this about her.

Heather, hailing from Columbus, Ohio, looked familiar to me…as I realized, yeah, Jackie Collins [same age, too, it seems]. I suggested at the start that maybe the Vegas dancer who admitted to having “been in several catfights” in the past was tossed in here for good TV. I’m stickin to my initial word.

Typically, Bret hands Heather a VIP Pass as he asks her something along the lines of staying as his “friend”. Yes, he tells us he appreciates her hottie photo shoots, but he doesn’t seem to want anything consistent and long-term with Heather beyond the “just friends” deal. You know that puts the kiss of doom on the poor old thing. If she could only come to realize this instead of definitively stating how she is “golden”, she is the one, and he is her man.

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Time to Showcase Something More than Boobs

Time to Showcase Something More than Boobs by Roxanne McDonald

“Rock of Love” 4 sees Bret gift-giving over ogling…most of the time.

At least his putting music and more substantive relationships over heaving bosoms becomes more evident in this the fourth installment of “Rock of Love.”

I mean, who woulda guessed he would have sent Brandi C. home so soon? Good for him that he is looking beyond what clearly would have lasted only as long as the air in the balloons did.

You know she is in for some kind of fall when Brandi C. is featured first in interview. And, yeah, if you are anywhere near being more for Bret than the gummy boob brigade, you are probably welcoming the booting of an incessant whiner.

This week, Brandi C. is whining to Big John, who has intercepted her attempt to sneak into Bret’s room late one night.

The boy needs what little rest he is getting, girlie.

And evidently, he is protected in sleep, for he appears the nest morning, rested and ready to involve the women in yet another music-related challenge they have no business being involved in.

[Yuh. I KNOW Bret has called for a chick who will put up with, go along for, and never interfere with his rocker lifestyle. But does the woman he chooses have to BE a rocker, too? If that’s the case, Bret is going to be soooo bummed, as not even Lacey the self-proclaimed musician can keep up.]

The challenge is to take the instrumentals from one of two songs and put words to them.

Bret pairs the women:

Magdalena and Heather – You KNOW Heather will bitch any minute now about being paired with the man of the bunch. Yep. There she goes.

Jes and Brandi M. – Jes tells us she and Brandi can’t write, can’t sing, and so just sit around and smoke

Lacey and Erin – Lacey the quintessential MUSICIAN is quite put out having been paired with one who can’t even hold a simple four-count beat on the tambourine.

Sam and Brandi C. – Sam says Brandi C. is way monotone, and so tries to help her with this inane advanced vocal exercise.

Rodeo and Mia – Rodeo gets way too jubilant over her brilliant creation, while Mia finally speaks!

The guest judge is Richard Blade, joined by Big John and Bret. Should we warn them to put in the earplugs now, or let them suffer as we have?
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Double Date for Biker Babes

Double Date for Biker Babes by Roxanne McDonald

Well, it’s not a double date (as only Bret is doubled up with two women)…, and the “bikes” are not hogs but little two-stroke motocross bikes. But you get the idea.

What’s important for Heather is to keep a running count of who is good and who is bad. She announces to us that on

the first list are Magdalena, Mia, Jess, Dallas, Erin, you know…, the “fake girls,” she says, for of course good and fake are synonymous. But the authentic bitches are the baddies, including her, Brandi, Lacey, and Kristia. Kick me if I’m off, here, but I don’t see the division as all that accurate.
What’s important for Bret is motocross, and, evidently Kristia is not far behind on that passion: she loooves anything cross—motocross, snowcross, supercross, oooh, you name it, she coos.

Of course, Bret sums up the pending disaster by saying it will be either really sexy or somebody is going to get hurt.

And somebody does.

Dallas goes flying during practice, flying during the race, and even flying off the emotional handle when she and Lacey CONTINUE to get into it over PETA pets and animals issues.

While Sam and Magdalena (two of the four winners of the “Rock of Love” race) watch Bret Michaels home movies and then have a make-out session by taking turns kissing or discussing kissing with Bret, Lacey is dogging Dallas. And she trails. And she nags. And she harasses. And she harangues. Even after Dallas gives her a hefty enough get off me shove that sends Lacey rocking and reeling, Lacey continues in this bizarre, sedulous following and taunting…until Rodeo bear-handed muckles and wrangles that baby heifer to the floor, full Nelson crisis intervention style.

I’m exhausted and it is only a half-hour in….

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With all Due Respect

With all Due–Ahem–Respect by Roxanne McDonald

Yeah, and is that meat, skin, flesh you’re wearing…?

I gotta start by saying that while I have openly, shamelessly admitted to loving the humor of LauraBelle at Reality Shack and to even chuckling at the clever way Christina Marie [also at Reality Shack, which, gee, says a lot about what I do with my extra time, and while your at it, check out the just as

wonderfully droll Jessica Paff at Zap2It/Inside the Box] vocalizes her reactions to reality shows, I was taken aback by how while Christina obviously digs Poison she has gotten way down on “Rock of Love.” Okay, the whole love-hate letter to Brett is a comical concept that may be TOTAL exaggeration, but Jeesh, a bit hard on Brett…and for the wrong reasons?
First, Brett didn’t write the formulaic kiss-off and invitation slogans. At least I’m prreeettty sure he didn’t. Next, assigning one of the most astute anologies to Tiffany is just, well, wrong. Tiffany would be lucky to get anything more than “Haterade” and “Don’t threaten me with fun” or whatever she has heard elsewhere out as the most clever comments she knows to make.

It was Dallas who made that observation that watching the whore-pole dancing was akin to being in one of those strip joints next to the airport where there are only a bunch a fat chicks….

But speaking of Dallas, and getting off the back of the usually hilarious Christina [and acknowledging that I am criticizing in the very way that drives me absolutely batty when some yahoo comes along and corrects my one paraprax, that one slip of the tongue, pen, keyboarding in 5,000 + articles and how, therefore, Christina is welcome to slap me, throw me in the pool, call me names with “whore” in them]…, how ‘bout that severe anti-social, anti-animals, anti-pets, anti-skank bag ho Dallas?

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Rock of Love Hot From Day One

Rock of Love Hot From Day One by Roxanne McDonald

The “Flavor of Love” girls have got nuthin’ on the “Rock of Love” chicks!

The title of the first episode—“Don’t Threaten Me with Love”—may be an admonishment on Bret’s part, but the threats and threatened feelings are rocking the rented pad as soon as the women step foot through door.

Jesus H, this show rocks. Bret rocks. The women rock…the house and each other. Already.

Already Bret has one to five women sitting on his lap, squished way up against him, in his face (almost ON his face…).
Already Big John (Bret’s best friend and body guard) has established alpha power, but then softened to the already belligerent Tiffany, who after getting cut [along with four others] by Big John before the women even entered the pad stomped to the front door, pounded until she was let in, and pleaded and insisted until Big John relented.

Already someone [Tiffany] has gotten so drunk she has
-done the pole dance…for the other women…crotch bared and upsetting many
-invaded one-on-one times with Bret
-invaded the space of the less aggressive [needy] women
-insulted one woman by not knowing her name
-insulted another woman by doing the talk-to-the-hand thing
-irritated just about every one of the 20 other contenders
-amused Bret enough [who notes the drunk she is on is a place they have all been and deserves a second chance] that he keeps her on for round two
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Rock of Love: Matchmaking for Metal Fans

Rock of Love: Matchmaking for Metal Fans by Roxanne McDonald

“The Surreal Life,” “Rockstar”, and “Flavor of Love” did it. Now Poison’s Bret Michaels will do it, bringing love searches and love of metal together in one celebreality dating show.

All others, please do not apply, audition, or watch.

It’s our turn!

We had the common folks competing for everything from people (dates, relationships, parents’ approval) to trips to cash to stuff.

Then we got the talent competitions—for big titles and big contracts.

It took us awhile, but we then got Rockstar I and II (INXS and SuperNova).
Now, after the celebreality craze has run its course, after years of reality television has brought on the talent and other competitions, and after Flava Flav has brought the superstar performer seeking love concept, we finally have the next hybrid: a gorgeous, talented ROCKER seeks love.

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