Now How Will Johnny Get His?

Now How Will Johnny Get His? by Roxanne McDonald

Not that we care how Johnny V, Scott Baio’s buddy, will make out…. Actually, it’s yay for Scott and his superlative growth toward being able to commit.

Scott couldn’t commit and Johnny V. should have been committed—turning on the nice Erin Moran [who was as shocked as we when he took Scott away from an autograph signing event and then turned and told her she was being pissy], slamming the well-intended Doc Ali for taking his boy

away [and what restraint that woman showed as she refrained from telling him to get a life or from just smacking him silly], and just being an all-around icky character.

For instance, getting told to take a hike for a bit so Scott could become a more functional partner for a woman, Johnny resisted, insulted, threatened, and cajoled.

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Advice from a Mini Doc Ali

Advice from a Mini Doc Ali by Roxanne McDonald

Scott meets his girlfriend’s seventeen-year-old daughter, and learns some lessons in the process.

Renee’s daughter is in town, so Scott has to ask for a get out of jail free card. Doc Ali thinks that yes, what a great idea, especially if he is going to marry Renee.

Whoa. Scott may be doing all this life coaching work for that end, but it is clearly too soon to bring that word up again. This also triggers the questions about how much Scott has been around kids [and whether he, in other words, father material]. He hasn’t been around them much at all.Sheila had a kid, he tells his coach, and when she probes further, he of course goes off into how hot Sheila was. Wha? Oh. Yeah. Kids.

Doc Ali has just the thing for THAT: visit Sheila ON A NON-SEXUAL BASIS she glaringly implies. Then, go hang at a daycare. See how long you can handle that one, Mr. I can parent a dog quite well, thank you.

Because Sheila Kennedy has closed the door of her house to Scott, he must do her bidding and meet her at the gym. But he isn’t allowed to meet her IN the gym, either. Okay, we get it, Sheila. You are holding a grudge and since you can’t take control by withholding sex….

Anyway, Scott suffers the slings of her comments about his utter incapability to be a husband, a father, or even a decent boyfriend, she reminds him, as he burned her by hooking up with Pamela Anderson at the same time she was seeing him.

Then it’s on to the daycare center, and notice who is conveniently absent, after riding his pitiful ass along on every other Scott venture? Yeah. Won’t see Johnny V. here. Nothin in it for him.

So Scott is on his own to, er, get really uncomfortable with the little urchins.. Even the arts and crafts session is freaking him out.

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Play the Scott Baio Game

Play the Scott Baio Game: The Get the Hottest Chick in the Room then Find Reasons to Drive Her Off/Dump Her Game by Roxanne McDonald

Though the game is not so much of Scott’s making as it is of Icky V’s design.

Sure, Scott is the quintessential commitment-phobe. When Doc Ali asks what his ideal woman is, he gives a well-worn list

of adjectives and superlatives, including “blonde”, “good body”, “good personality”, “no bigger than 5’5”, “good rear end”, “imperfect teeth”, “nice rack”, and, oh, yeah, maternal.
Can you say Ma-ma?

Then Scott has to have a reiterated session with the life coach, as she has has asked or said something that prompts him to stress, “Do you GET the finality I see in marriage? That marriage equals death?” And she stresses right back, asking, “What if I tell you doing the same thing over and over equals death?”

The eternal argument is going nowhere, so Scott concedes that relationships make you a better person, and this leaves an opening for Doc Ali to do something Scott immediately sees the absurdity in: she has the “perfect” girl for him. Uhhh, Scott, counters, you want me to meet the perfect girl after telling me I have to be celibate and stay uninvolved and all?

And then comes the revolutionary concept: she wants to see him CONNECT without having sex.

Can you say deny your biological imperative?

Or, can you get Johnny to grasp this possibility?

Scott is sent to a matchmaking service, and of COURSE brings the man who evidently doesn’t have his own life or a job to come along.

Johnny is kept from entering the conference room, however, and is prevented, no, forbidden, from “just checking out” all the date files. GROSSSS! Hey, predator, buy your own blow-up.

So he does, sort of. After Scott meets with an absolutely lovely woman whom he conveniently critiques to pieces in his head [a defense mechanism he is well aware of as working to defer his connecting], he goes to some card game with his buds…, where Johnny does what Scott id’s as most transparent: Johnny Ick, or Icky V., hires a stripper to deliver pizza. Yeah, yeah, Johnny, nice vicarious try, but Scott so does not fall for it, pays the woman a couple hundred bucks to leave, and makes you take your slimy ulterior motives outside with her.

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Cheapy Cheater Chachi Redeems Himself

Cheapy Cheater Chachi Redeems Himself by Roxanne McDonald

Scott Baio continues his self-exploratory venture with ex-girlfriend number three; takes the outing of his frugality and cheating; and makes up for it with pizza and apologies.

You gotta give it to a reforming lothario and tight wad who sits through a comedy set as the target/butt of the jokes, on camera, and who then attempts to make the past errant

behavior right.

Maybe that’s a big part of the reason for the bags under the eyes.

I’d never feel sorry for a cheater, I once thought. The consequences are so much more damaging to the offended, or the cuckolded. But how screwed up do you have to be to be THAT fearful of commitment that you have to unconsciously or subconsciously sabotage every potentially fulfilling LTR?

Since “Scott Baio is 45 and Single” concerns Scott coming to accept the possibility of settling down, and since his life coach has asked if he cheated on everyone and Scott replies that yeah, pretty much, Doc Allie asks for the next example: Scott was “dating” two women—Julie and Lisa—at the same time. Well, Julie and Lisa just so happened to happen upon each other at the same audition, started talking, and like in a bad b revenge movie, discovered the reality of Scott the Hot: for Xmas that year he received a card greeting him with “Fu-k you…” and signed “Julie and Lisa”.

This triggers the next perfect visit: to Julie McCullough, whom Scott can’t reach by phone and who therefore prompts him to show up at Julie’s comedy set at the Improv.

You literally screwed her over, you show up years later, while she is onstage and has full control of the crowd—ala Kathy Griffin—and so you must expect to get the fallout of that decade-old transgressing. That or you’re a masochist.

Scott takes the slams, which are not funny and which must be slightly baffling the crowd who paid pretty decent bucks to hear humor not ex-boyfriend bashing devoid of funny. But Scott only lasts so long and has to bolt…., right about the time Julie is finishing the tirade about his cheating and moving on to how cheap is he? jokes—so cheap that on their first date to a pizza place, he made her buy her own slice.

However, he reappears after the show, in the back of the Improv where Julie is unwinding. They have a beer, and Julie tells him he was the reason for her getting her first AIDS test. Slam!

Why the hell are you here? Sorta slam!

To apologize. So you gonna buy me flowers now, a card? Slam.

No, actually buying you a pizza.

LOL. Hug. More LOL.

Julie makes number three he can scratch of his “I’m kinda copying the ‘My Name is Earl’ concept” list.

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Scott Baio is 45 and NOT Single

Scott Baio is 45 and NOT Single by Roxanne McDonald

Okay, so the title of the new Vh1 show is misleading. Scott has a beautiful girlfriend, Renee. Maybe the literal use of the term “single” is in play here–but we should take it more figuratively?

And so what? Quit yer cryin’. Single to many of us in this the 21st century means completely unattached. But as we get all into the semantics, let’s consider that production of the show, “Scott Baio is 45 and Single,” considers the term to be intended in contrast to being married.

Then again, even Scott’s new life coach thinks of Renee as significant enough that Scott is not allowed to see her, have sex with her, or do anything with her along those

relationshippy lines. And that means a lot to those of us who might be tempted to call ourselves (er, I mean Scott and his n-er-do-well bras) sex addicts who need to get real…by going cold turkey!? What? Wait. You mean I can’t have sex while I figure out why all I prefer to do is have sex over co-co-commitment?

First, before coming to this agreement, he has to get a life coach: Scott interviews for a life coach and we get to meet some of the candidates for this apparently daunting role.

Number 1 is a past-life coach.
Number 2 is a clairvoyant life coach.
Number 3 is some life coach into sharing sunglasses.
Number 4 is an intimate (and we mean INtimate) life coach.
Number 5 is a coach who works the feng shui of the body organs, but never fear, at least she won’t, she says, ask him to move his liver to the northeast side of his body or something like it. [And Scott’s disgusted looks throughout this process are precious!]
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Who Wants Scott in Charge?

Who Wants Scott in Charge? by Roxanne McDonald

The real-life naughty hottie of “Happy Days” and “Charles in Charge” will televise his experiences with a life coach—to discover what happened, how it happens he is single, and how he can quit gallivanting and come to have a true and solid relationship…in his mid-forties.

In the late eighties and through the nineties, Scott Baio was on the walls of thousands of teens, in the mouths of award presenters, and on the arms of some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood.

Baio won such awards as Best Young Actor in a Television Special, Favorite Teen Dream, and Best Actor (San Diego Film Festival). Baio has been fawned over for a decade, and not just by television viewers hoping to have Charles in charge of them: he has been involved with such beauties (as Vh1 tells us) as Pam Anderson, Heather Locklear, Denise Richards and Nicolette Sheridan. And Scott Baio has had his share of the wealth that comes with being a well-regarded celebrity.
But now the teen heart-throb, a 45-year-old Virgo/Libra, is going through a midlife crisis that includes the frustrations of not being able to “settle down and commit to a substantial, meaningful relationship.”

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Mel Gibson and Scott Baio in LA Sherrifs Commercial

Wow! You gotta see this one! Mel Gibson and Scott Baio in LA Sherrifs Commercial It’s the Mel Gibson Commercial for LASSO! Pictured are Mel Gibson (not Scott Baio) and some guy that looks like Rudy Giuliani, but most likely he is a Malibu cop or Sherrif.

Mel Gibson of recent Malibu DUI fame,

plays a tough cop as he grills Scott Baio in this commerical for the LA Sherrif.

You have gotta see this commercial! (read more…)