Celebrity Boot Camp with Broken Laces and Holes in the Soles

Celebrity Boot Camp with Broken Laces and Holes in the Soles by Roxanne McDonald

Celebrity Fit Club premiere reveals the dysfunction, the despondency, and the dissention in the ranks.

The first episode of “Celebrity Fit Club” 5 was most entertaining but for reasons both bitter and sweet. It was interesting to watch Brat defy the disciplinarian; was pitiful to hear the sorrows of Tiffany and Maureen; and was delightfully entertaining to hear Ross’ humor and to watch and listen to Dustin plan his recalcitrant rehabilitation.

Though I doubt everyone gets his brand of humor.

First we see the new recruits arrive, hang out in a batting cage-like area, and deface a poster of Harvey Walden IV.

Harvey arrives banging a garbage can lid—which is kind of after-the fact cliche, as it is not five a.m. and they are not asleep…but, anyway.

Harvey is pissed about the poster and that incurs the Brat to scream back, using decibels and curse words that make the kind of nasty therapeutic judge Stacy Kaiser say she is reminded of some high school punk.

The group is commanded to do a quatrathlon of 1) an obstacle course; 2) a long jump; 3) a quarter-mile sprint; and 4) a three-flight stair-climb.

Once everyone has done all the events and has finished his/her three stadium flights each, they all take the stairs together, rejoicing victoriously and screaming some yeah in-your-face things at Harvey down below.
Individual Weigh-in Time

The three judges are introduced by Ant, and the celebrities tell their stories and weigh in.

Tiffany

There was lots of conflict at home for this teen queen, what with mom and other alcoholics making for a very unpredictable life, so Tiffany took off, severed ties, and continued to be good at “masking”. A full-scale image makeover, a Playboy spread, and a hit song (“I think We’re Alone, Now”) later, Tiffany now tours, singing the same old song, looking old, and feeling far from the “hot female” she wants to be again.

Weight: 152
Harvey’s Goal for the Week for Tiffany: 4
Harvey’s Overall Weight-loss Goal for Tiffany: 25

Ross “The Intern”

He’s always been funny, always been chubby. Weight is one thing he has never been able to conquer. He’s had a gym membership for three years, for example, and has gone a total of eight times. If he finds something scares him, though, he says that is when he finds reason to do it. Maybe out of that fear but more out of his absolutely fresh wit, when Harvey asks him about exercise habits, he responds, “Checking the mail?”

Weight: 214
Harvey’s Goal for the Week for Ross: 4
Harvey’s Overall Weight-loss Goal for Ross: 30

Kimberly Locke

Being in the final three of American Idol was great, and so is having a chart-topping single. But being in Hollywood at her size is not so great. She says that in the south, she is normal, but in Hollywood she feels uncomfortable and out of place. She has never been skinny, she adds, the way little girls are: “I skipped 0 to 5,” she quips. Harvey distinguishes the difference between “skinny” and “healthy” for her.

Weight: 176
Harvey’s Goal for the Week for Kimberly: 5
Harvey’s Overall Weight-loss Goal for Kimberly: 28

Dustin Diamond

While Dustin aint got nothing on Rob Van Winkle of “Surreal Life Fame Game,” he promises to give the crew and cast a new series of team experiences: he is from the start mocking, laughing, scoffing, and sarcastic, and he insists on losing weight by exercise alone. The Screech of “Saved by the Bell turned porn putz for a minute is now a stand-up comic who has several goals. He works to leave the ghost of Screech behind; he hopes to have his releasing a porn tape of him and a girlfriend go away; and he wants to be the “first person in the world” to eat crap and be healthy.

I’m with Dustin on this one, though I trust the whole denial and resistance thing will get outed—likely by that mean ol’ Stacey first, who has humiliated him already in a way a real therapist wouldn’t do, telling him to shut his big mouth and all.

How rude.

Weight: 217
Harvey’s Goal for the Week for Dustin: 5
Harvey’s Overall Weight-loss Goal for Dustin: 33

Maureen McCormick

My God, is she a lovely soul. And sadly, a broken one right now. She watched her dear Mom die of cancer, takes care of a disabled brother whom her father wanted to institutionalize, and deals with the guilt and pain and losses by eating sweets…which she says she absolutely loves.

Yes, Mo, no one told you that there are actual chemicals in sweets that agree with, satisfy, and even simulate brain chemicals/ pleasant processes we are lacking during stress, pain, or imbalance.

Weight: 150
Harvey’s Goal for the Week for Maureen: 4
Harvey’s Overall Weight-loss Goal for Maureen: 25

Warren G.

The world-famous rapper has been packing on the pounds after getting settled in family life. Since it is all about image, he says, he has “gotta get rid of the pounds…” and go back to his super-smooth image and sleek physique. He has, he says, “gotta get musclized.”

Weight: 221
Harvey’s Goal for the Week for G.: 5
Harvey’s Overall Weight-loss Goal for G.: 33

Cledus T. Judd

The funny man is country is not so funny, nor does he feel so funny, anymore. He went nuts with the coke and meth (the latter of which can strip you to the bone but can also make you huge when you stop), and got ten to eleven pounds away from 300, which he says is “a big fat-ass.” When his daughter was born, though, he was struck with the realization that he didn’t want to be the fat father everybody made fun of, that he wanted to look good for his daughter, so he virtually stopped eating….

To the point of an eating disorder. Cledus can’t deal with grocery stores, is phobic about being around food, and either has panic attacks and has to throw all the food in the area out or has to have no food to begin with.

Weight: 214
Harvey’s Goal for the Week for Cledus: 4
Harvey’s Overall Weight-loss Goal for Cledus: 30

Da Brat

One day she was a kid, the next she was a huge star…with “Funkafied”. But the weight started coming on, so she has joined Fit Club to get rid of a fat ass and jiggles. She also insists she will not put up with the same mistreatment Dustin says he will resist. While Dustin says he will not be subject to being beaten with the jawbone of an ass, Brat says she expects that Harvey being Harvey and Da Brat being Da Brat, she respects him and he respects her and they will get along fine.

Weight: 172
Harvey’s Goal for the Week for Brat: 5
Harvey’s Overall Weight-loss Goal for Brat: 27

Group Weigh-in on the World’s Largest Working Scale

This futuristic-looking scene prefaces the rest of the season of “Celebrity Fit Club,” for with the men on one side (weighing 866#) and the women on the other side (weighing 650#), the scale will be the tool that measures and marks their group progress. After the first group weigh-in, and as the men play versus the women, the scales will be calibrated, evening out the weight and later revealing the slightest discrepancy and therefore the “losing” team that week.

This season is going to be good. The fights are gonna be unfair; the food is going to fly. Even the commercials have finally caught up with the content of the show—with Jenny Craig healthy eating ads instead of some fat French fry and juicy burger teases….

Then again, Dustin wouldn’t mind those.

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