Celebrity Fit Club: I Know You are, but What Am I?

Celebrity Fit Club: I Know You are, but What Am I? by Roxanne McDonald

Hostile confrontations about…Dustin eating a donut? Well, okay, more than that.

No exciting trips to the mountains, no outdoor grueling team challenges—just a dance-a-thon of sorts and lots of weigh-in warring.

Brat now weighs 153 pounds. Having lost the weight she had bet on losing, she collects from Ant and Harvey and Dr. Ian, who says he shouldn’t have to lose $100 for her to lose weight. Brat enjoys taking his money, she says, and also enjoys making him proud.

Brat’s target loss for next week is 2 pounds.

Tiffany now weighs 153 pounds. Having lost no weight, she offers no defense, but instead cranks on Dustin and then explains that she hasn’t eaten anything. Dr. Ian reminds her and us of how the body goes into starvation mode and therefore fights to keep the fat, and Tiffany concedes, saying she will do better next week.

Tiffany’s target loss for next week is 4 pounds.

Cledus now weighs 185 pounds. It’s the first time he’s tucked his shirt in since the last time he weighed 185, and it’s also a new Cledus who is attracting the women. He doesn’t want to get too philosophical, but there are two profound

influences— becoming a music star (which saved his life) and coming to “Celebrity Fit Club” (which also saved him). He discusses his methods, which include eating chicken and broccoli for forty days, and Dr. Ian tells him he will get Cledus on the Susan’s Healthy Gourmet food—which Cledus says is do-able, especially if it is all prepared and delivered for him.
Cledus’s target loss for next week is 1 pound.

Maureen now weighs 122 pounds. She is the first to ever to hit her target and beyond this fast, says Dr. Ian, who announces Mo has lost 18.6% of her starting weight. Shrink Stacey has to bring up some dirt, and probes Mo about her drinking (as a surrogate addiction)…but then makes it a therapeutic advice session, and Mo accepts.

Maureen’s target loss, which she gets to set herself, for next week is 1 pound.

Warren now weighs 196 pounds. He’s kind of disappointed, as he’s been working hard, he says. He also adds that he has “cheated”—had a cookie, for instance. But Shrink Stacey gives him props for owning up to what they are all calling “cheating,” she says. Dr. Ian adds that at this stage it IS okay to have a cookie or a drink…in moderate terms, of course.

Warren’s target loss for next week is 2 pounds.

Ross now weighs 182 pounds, having lost a whopping 9 pounds. He plays on the tucking thing, and says as a tucker now, he is going to tuck, tuck, tuck. He is so damned adorable.

Ross also gets to set his own target loss for next week, and says it will be 2 pounds.

Dustin, Dustin, Dustin…. He now weighs 200 pounds, as he has GAINED 5 pounds. Okay, bear with us, here, for the follow-up is complicated, convoluted, and, yes, controversial…of course: first, Dustin had a donut. Mo was pissed at this, as she felt team sacrificing was at stake here. Dustin counters that she was drunk on empty calories, too, but the panel says she has lost all her goal weight.

Dr. Ian tells Dustin his weight gain is a stunning failure.

Dustin tells Dr. Ian that there are several things contributing—he didn’t make the gym; didn’t get together with his trainer; was at the Sundance Festival, schmoozing and drinking and eating, as he couldn’t turn down lobster and steak dinners he was comped.

Dr. Ian says everyone is busy, and Dustin doesn’t care to hear a comparison of who does more, etc.. Dr. Ian questions whether Dustin really wants to lose weight, and Dustin says he’s come too far to physically make himself shrink that

much; that getting down to 183 is ridiculous, as he’s not a fat guy; and that getting down to 195 is too light for him. Even after Dr. Ian shows the BMI chart, which he notes is universally accepted, Dustin says the high end for men his height—183—is way too light.

The others say, “Here we go again.” Brat attempts to get Dustin to see he is not accepting criticism from people trying to help; and says this is a lose weight show and he is just being retarded. This gives Dustin the next run, as he goes into how now they are making fun of retarded people.

There are, in the interstices, clips of Dustin interviewing how he hates this show, can’t stand the people, and couldn’t give a f—k. He also rails on the “hypocracies,” saying that it is Armageddon if he has a donut but if Maureen gets smashed it’s okay.

By the way, at the start of his weigh-in, Kimberly is overjoyed and smiling like crazy.

However…

Clips are also shown, thanks to Ant and Stacey bringing it up again and again, of Dustin doing a porn convention—which we viewers know by now has little to do with weight loss but which has everything to do with making the show as outrageous as possible. And rage and pain does indeed ensue.

At the porn convention, Dustin interviews that when you have four feet of Screech in your pants you sell it. He also considers how he will not give away his product to friends, though he might give Kimberly one, as, he smirks, she needs it.

This sets Kimberly to bawling, running out of the room, and calling someone on the phone. Then, after Stacey has explained Dustin needs to take responsibility and Dr. Ian has added how they want Dustin to be motivated, and after Stacey has brought up the porn and suggested they take a look at the clips, Tiffany for some unknown reason leaps up muttering and leaves; Brat tries one more time to talk to Dustin and also leaves, upset that he says stuff about her people and all; and at some point, Warren and Cledus had split, too.

Dr. Ian questions how Dustin can gain weight, make excuses, and still make fun of the others; and Harvey tells him to look behind him. Only Ant and Ross remain.

Ant pipes in that everyone was driven out because Dustin refuses to take responsibility, he hurt Mo, and he’s wasting everyone’s time.

Then, as Dustin jokes about challenging Ant, Harvey goes BALLISTIC. He starts telling Dustin how he would wear his fat ass out, and how he will beat the %^$#@# out of that ##%%^ ass.

Harvey gets in a target weight loss of 3 pounds (I think), and then, hearing Dustin challenge Harvey, saying if he agreed to combat, he’d fight him, takes it as a major threat, loses his cool, and goes off so loudly and so beepingly that everyone forgets their petty woes and returns to witness Harvey having to be restrained (or someone posturing to restrain the posturing angry drill sergeant.

Whooo. I’m spent.

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