A Boob Dress for Bush, Curtain Couture for the Boss

A Boob Dress for Bush, Curtain Couture for the Boss by Roxanne McDonald

It’s all about style for the Charm School girls, but, oh, how subjective is that word.

The girls of Charm School are already on Commandment Four, “Thou shall work what thou has to work with.” And half of them have trouble even reiterating the rule. Understanding it is another thing. From their first lesson, they are oddly inclined. Mo’Nique calls them down to the grand assembly room or whatever, instructing them to “dress to impress.”

Saaphyri (I think) says that could mean anything from dressing to impress the president to Jay-Z, then proceeds to don a silky leopard print slip which allows her boobs to spill out for days….

Uhhh, yuh, they didn’t quite understand, says Mo’Nique, as she gasps at their interpretations: Schatar is in a full length ball gown (though it is a very pretty blue brocade); and

Becky has gone sparkles and strips.

The mentor of the day is celebrity stylist Jonathan Snell, who works alongside Mikki to teach the girls some style tricks. They use Becky as their example, first. Well, she impresses, Mikki finding she has a “defined” look, and Snell just kind of furrows his brow. Becky tells us she doesn’t dress like a slut but a slot machine—slut, slot, it’s all the same she yukks.

Mikki says that Schatar knows what works for her; and poor Saaphyri is called up—explaining how since she doesn’t have a lot of money but has a lot of boobs that she workseth with whats she gotseth.

Well, that was the prompt.

Courtney jokes that they don’t have couture in Kansas, no couture section at Wal-mart, anyway. And Schatar, who has snubbed Saaphyri for looking like a refugee, says she is sure she [Schatar] will sail through this competition with ease. Yeeeah. The ease with which you sailed through the Andrew Firestone event—falling down and knocking shit down, girlfriend?

With tips such as how showing the back is a sexy but classy thing to do, how clothing is an art form, and couture is a fantasy, the girls attack the next challenge. Well, first they attack each other, verbally, arguing (as was likely planned for them to do) over who will be the odd woman out. See, conveniently, the week’s test requires they get into teams, but there are eleven girls, so the eleventh must be the honorary runway judge.

Mikki tells them to know their strengths and to choose wisely. Uh-oh, Mikki. You do realize this leaves much to their interpretation, right?
After a lot of “hey, no fair” bitching (Larissa yelping about wanting to be the judge and who else wants to and Darra mimicking them on the side with barking noises), they decide that of all the girls, Courtney is the most honest, and so she will sit on the judges’ panel with Mo, Mikki, Jonathan, and Keith.

Since the division must be 2 designers, 1 make-up, 1 hair, and 1 model, one team decides that having Darra model will give them a special something, as Mo is BBW, too, and will go easier on them. And Darra “knows” she can “walk”, so that seems to make sense all around.

Darra will model.
Becky and Jennifer will design…using Mo’s curtains, which the two eagerly tear down and about which Becky later says she loves cause she is a kind of klepto gangsta and all.
Crystal (who cops out of modeling to begin with because she does it for a living and will be judged too harshly) insists on doing make-up—as well as on doing feather eyelashes and the like.
Brooke, I guess, is left to do hair.

Leilene will model (bringing her public presence experience as a stripper to the fore, though trying to discourage that former rep).
On the opposing team, Schatar and Saaphyri, interestingly enough, are the co-stylists, deciding since Leilene suggests “subtle” sexy that they will go for a long gown with lots of flesh peeking only.
Larissa will do hair.

The team creates what at first is a hideous neon orange giraffe motif design into what we see on the runway actually turns out to be pretty cool: as Saaphyri tells it, they have designed a kick-ass “2027 kimono.”

It works as the central part of the world’s garden theme, complete with the Audrey Hepburn hat. Well, okay, at least it works better than the other team’s design.

Darra is revealing that baby got back, but it is way too much back and is sweating terribly. She also is too big for the curtain dress as it has been cut, and not able to wear the girdle, she gets taped …. No, I mean TAPED all over with masking tape…on the boobs, the abdomen, the waist, around and around they go with at least a third of a roll of tape, creating a amasking tape bathing suit, if you will, that holds her in and has her not only giggling and guffawing but commenting that it hurt, but it was for a worthy cause.

The other team spies on Darra’s team. Well, of course, they spy after Schatar starts it. They find Darra’s outfit ridiculous, and laugh and cackle about how she looks like a “chocolate-ass Big Bird” (says Larissa), and how she looks like a giant burrito (says another).

Of course, once they do their catwalk dealies, the judges are equally horrified by Darra and her team, while being impressed in a kind of speechless-at-first way with Leilene’s team efforts and presentation.

Keith is appalled that Darra’s team has played the manipulate-for-fatty-sympathy card, and says the dress and makeup combo looks “like road kill.” Leilene, however, he says, he would hire in a heartbeat. For????

Mo is equally blown away at how “they put that baby in curtains,” she says, and how tasteless the dress is. She then launches into a lecture about how if they were going to appeal to the big woman of the group they should have done so with…”I don’t need help…” she snaps as someone off-camera (Mikki) tries to add something…some taste and class and really turn it out and impress her, “be absolutely amazing.”

Mo also chastises Crystal for being a coward and not taking on the role of model, as this would have been the time for her to “turn this out.”

Mikki commends Darra for the courage to put up with such humiliation; and the judges all look to Courtney, telling her she has the final word. She of course chooses Leilene–in spite of how so many were sure that since she is best friends with Brooke she would have chosen Darra. But she likely didn’t dare at that point.

Crystal then makes the same mistake that psycho chick made the first week, going privately to Mo for conferencing. Crystal tells Mo that yes, she should have been the model, and that regardless, final decisions about that curtain dress were NOT hers but Becky’s and Jennifer’s. (But Becky had bitched alot about how Jennifer didn’t do any work, so, hmmm.)

Darra tells us she went through hell with that tape and all so there is no way in hell she is getting into the final three. I think she meant to say bottom three, though.

Anyway.

The bottom three up for expulsion are Becky, Jennifer, and Crystal.

Keith lays into Becky about how she just has to go, but Mo interjects and says that she is going to do something unprecedented as she can cause this is her school.
She figures out that Jennifer was actually the most ineffectual (weak application, Mikki calls it), and since she really didn’t worketh what she had to worketh with, she has to go.

Right on, Mo. Becky not only at least worked her ass off and had a good attitude about doing so, she is the most substantive character on the show. Probably the smartest, too, though she plays down the brains in favor of that home-girl flava thing.

I wonder if Jay-Z and President Bush were watching.

And if so, were they impressed?
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