Soon to be Scrapping in Your Living Room: Crowned
Soon to be Scrapping in Your Living Room: Crowned by Roxanne McDonald
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The teasers promise to bring us prom-dress pageantry, plenty of passive-aggression, and the most obnoxious of prima donna pissy fits. |
In anticipation of tonight’s premiere episode, the CW network site offers bios of the “Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants.” Ick.
Mom Pamela and daughter Felicia, in their homemade a-lines, have no pageant experience. Uh-oh. Here we go. You know when the CW (or any network) has a template of
blanks-to-be-filled that includes an either/or category, there’s the contrastive element, there’s the conflict, there’s the fight: cha-ching.
Mom Andrea and daughter Amanda have competed in pageants previously (Mom was crowned), but their hoochie outfits suggest the shows may have misled the pair…right to reality TV.
Mom Brenda and kid Heather (with Heather’s experience in local competitions of yore and Mom’s “working very hard” to prepare her daughter for them) are just way too blonde.
Mom Patty and kid Laura just remind me of the decade the circuits went all apoplectic about whether or not fake boobs and nose work could be allowed (and tell me maybe there shoulda been a cut-oof mark indicating how MUCH Michael Jackson work you could have done, yee gawd)—and suggest that the production team of “Crowned…” has thrown in a few first-to-be-de-sashed uggos for the premiering episodes.
Mom Angela, with no pageant experience, is there by the side of daughter Tenia, who reflects on past pageant experience by saying how the girls she competed with weren’t her “cup of tea.” Ya think these TV beauties (and I say the word with tongue in cheek) will be any different, T?
Mother Gina and daughter Hollis look like they belong on the beauty pageant circuit. I said LOOK like they belong: that doesn’t mean anything other than how Barbie Doll cookie
cutter Vaseline gummed they appear. Then again, Mom says she has no experience other than that on “Crowned….” She says she is too short and too old for anything else. THERE. Right there are the words to define what “Crowned…” will be offering?
Mom Ada and daughter Christan look more like sisters…and I don’t mean that as a necessarily GOOD thing. [If I go into a coma and do stick around for the season of the show, though, I think I would place my bets on this pair.]
Mom Annette and kid Alana look, well, I was going to give them the benefit of the doubt as the sweeter girls next door type of competitors, but their egos may just disprove me: Alana says they have no experience in this subculture but are “no strangers to beauty!” Jeesh, okay, maybe not ego but esteem. Way to be confident.
Mom Jill and daughter Nicole seem attractive enough, though the girl ought to think about staying clear of Frederick’s of Hollywood clothing choices.
Mom Linda and daughter Rachelle look like, well, like they have something up their sleeves. Oh, wait. No sleeves. BAREly any tops either.
And mother Moya and daughter Jenileigh have the eyes of real competitors…, on “Rock of Love,” maybe. (That mom looks as if she could give that old retired beauty queen—or beauty queen who SHOULD retire those pageant dresses she wears—Heather a good scrapping fight for the title.)
But beyond the very unfortunate existence of beauty pageants (don’t give me that “these productions are about sending a young woman to college and not about reification” crap) is the reality-TV-factor-merges-with-seasoned pageant-participants-put-up-against-neophytes-to-the-beauty-pageant-circuit. (Whew, that musta been SOME studio pitch.)
Moreover, methinks that this is another conspiratorial method for leaking staunch politics and religious righteousness into our homes…, little by little, drip by beauty queen drip, numbing and brainwashing us into embracing this perverse way of life.
“Rock of Love” [on Vh1] women took a lot of flack for being the dregs of society and for flaunting such low class behaviors and attitudes. But really, the distance of difference between the rocker chicks and the beauty queens is, well, spitting distance.
Oh. Oh. Don’t put it past them.
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