Well, Dice, it’s a Crap Shoot

Well, Dice, it’s a Crap Shoot by Roxanne McDonald

The heavyweight returns—to stage and TV screens, yelling and %@#@^*(( all the way through every $%#@^^ episode.

Okay, so reality TV is most appealing when there’s conflict or controversy. I may be mixing metaphors as we go, here, but the return of the heavyweight, Andrew Dice Clay, to the comedy stage is the attempt, he says, to return to the ring as a super contendor. The man who “sold out the Garden in 30 minutes,” says one announcer, is back for the fight. Controversial, conflicted, and bringing the conflict. Kinda like good fiction. Uh. Not.

Andrew Dice Clay brings his reality TV show to fans, those who remember him, and maybe even a few neophytes he can pick up along the way. In the premier episode of “Dice: Undisputed,” we hear Dice say how he is sick and tired of living in his own shadow—whatever that means. We learn that “people are angry again…like they were in the 80’s,” that “they’re sick and tired of being pissed off.” At least he didn’t say “of being sick and tired.” What they need, we learn, is “a comic hero.”

That’s Dice’s plan, anyway.

He gets in a car with somebody (his brother?) and explains which is the A cam and which is the B cam.
He gets into a fight with his girlfriend/fiancé: “I’ll change the soap. I’ll change girlfriends.” Oh, goodie. Another Bonaduce moment. No, actually, Bonaduce is a much beloved, much more sympathetic “character”. Let’s say Dice is the latest Tom Sizemore.

Anyway. Dice flies somewhere. Agent, maybe. Dice is presenting his plan—to make a comeback with stand-up and a reality TV show. As one could almost bet on happening, the guy’s intercom clicks on, secretary says he has a phone call which he “has to take.” Dice takes the cue, rises, then lingers. Agent guy gets off phone and says, with a grin, “Debbi Gibson.” Dice is deadpan: “Debbie Gibson. You say that like it’s even a person.”

There are flashbacks of Dice’s earlier comedy sets, in a muted black and white…. Lots of laughs.

Dice does Dangerfield’s, where ticket holders in line tell the camera they &$%%#& love hearing all that &^$#@$$&.

He opens his set with the greatest thing about *&^^%#%#**.

The crowd is happy.

Uncle Lee, Todd (a weird and weirdly abused mini-me/mini-manager?), and Dice go to eat. Name of the restaurant? Don’t know, but the food, oh, man, the food looks awesome: big piles of corned beef. Double dishes of double-dipped fat fries. Noodly soup.

&*^%$#@^^ yum. So far, it’s the best &*%&#&&8**@@ thing about the show.

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