Enough to Make You Domino Vomit

Enough to Make You Domino Vomit by Roxanne McDonald

…And make you realize you’re in Hell!

Uhhh, did you not read the signs?

Anyway, I was thinking as I readied myself for “Hell’s Kitchen” episode 4 that the best way to recap is to be brief, to succinctly report what typically happens on the show

using a handy template, as follows:

Somebody complains.
Somebody backstabs somebody else.
Ramsay shakes his head left to right in disgust.
Vinnie goes off and then Ramsay goes off on Vinnie.
Jen is warned to stay away from the bins tonight; Vinnie is told he and the chef will need to get together with a box of Quaaludes; and all remaining cheftestants are reminded they have a lot to learn.

Team Challenge
Julia and Brad are up first for a palate test. Those watching scoff. Chef Ramsay scoffs. Julia and Brad each correctly identify two of three foods.

Bonnie and Josh get fitted with their deprivation gear, but Bonnie says she can hear. She also answers after adjustments are made, so the conspiracy theories begin…and continue after she nails all three items, identifying them in the same exact language Ramsay had announced them to us.

Red: 5; Blue: 3

It’s up to Vinnie. Groan.

Blue loses…again.

Punishment: something enough to make them puke: a forced lunch of kidneys, pigs’ feet, tripe…plus some: pickled this and organ that.

Rock wretches, starting a chain reaction Vinnie or somebody calls the domino effect. Wouldn’t that be the Doppler effect?

Red gets to extend the sensory deprivation thing, this time without the benefit of sight at a lunch in a light-less restaurant. They enjoy the intimacy of the dark. Nothing is said of the food.

Guys again focus on the conspiracy theory.
Vinnie confronts Bonnie, who prefers the luxury of the nap the girls get (since the guys have to prep for BOTH kitchens. Oh, yes, the guts and groins lunch was just the capper).

Dinner about to begin.
Fate in the hands of diners again, only for real, for real. Comment cards will determine who loses, who wins.

Mini lesson from Chef: key to appetizers is speed of delivery.

Contradiction one: red team Melissa too fast.

Julia overcooks.

Blue boys undercook.

Dressing missing.

Josh doing nothing.

Chef R. yells.

Vinnie overcooks Wellington.

Chef R. yells.

Bonnie undercooks Wellington.

Chef R. yells.

Chef R. calls her one of the signature insult names he has handy for just such an occasion.

Customer comes to pass bar to complain.

Chef R. pulls out one of the signature insults reserved just for pesky diners.

Stone cold chicken. Salty garnish. Smashing of dishes. Yells for them all to get out.

And Bonnie delivers a classic competition wail: she has only ever had to cook for four people at one time…and THOSE people understood when she screwed up their meals.

Viewer yells at television.

Rock channeling his anger.
Bonnie crying about not being able to cope.
Jen or Bonnie—I think Bonnie, but my head was turned—says they are decidedly…in HELL!

Customer comment cards bring good/bad news. Good news: they enjoyed a majority of the meal. Bad news: they, 65%, have said they will NEVER return.

Rock is called a solid presence and will nominate one.
Melissa is called pathetic and will be nominating no one.
Jen wasn’t brilliant but wasn’t horrible, and therefore will be nominating one.

Melissa feels bad for Jen—who she says is such a kind person.
Bonnie doesn’t care, as she suspects and is okay with being the one nominated.

Jen is at odds; Rock says he has no problem choosing from his team. Viewers are appreciative of this, as they, too, see the choice as a no-brainer: Vinnie.

HowEVer…, Rock names NOT Vinnie but Josh; and Jen names NOT Bonnie but Melissa.

Chef is beyond mortified, and overrules the two cowardly decisions. Thank God there is no clause in the protocol contract or whatever that votes stick.

He asks the two real nominees why they think they were not chosen, and Vinnie’s answer makes anyone playing the drink at every contradiction you hear game chug-a-lug: he is, he smirks, the most qualified chef, here. Uh, yut.

And, finally, the Quaalude twins can get a break from each other, as Chef Ramsey surprisingly calmly tells Vinnie he must hang his swelled and deluded head and go.

SirLinksAlot Hell’s Kitchen links

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