Right Little Bitch Turned Right Out

Right Little Bitch Turned Right Out by Roxanne McDonald

Did we think Melissa would make it on her looks alone, as she suggested always happens? Did we expect her to get all power-crazy and get her bossy butt mutinied right off the team? Worse yet, did we expect she would be up for elimination, would be called out by Chef Ramsey, and would be turned out…not of the Hell’s Kitchen but to the Blue team?

I don’t know what I expected from Chef Ramsey with regards to booting the foxy one out of his kitchen, but along with his suggestion that she had turned into a “right little bitch,” it

would have been good if he had told her to do something with that mop of hair.
What the hell? Even those “fry cooks” and pot washers you turned your nose up at, Melissa, know enough to put the hair back when you are around food. And not only was it down, it was all frumpy and flyaway. Damn.

Okay, enough with the pecuniary. I leave that to Chef Rams.

In the Dorms

Thanks to the pedestrian miracle of editing, we suspect that the Blue team is going to take at least one victory tonight, as the episode (5) opens with Rock, Brad, and Josh discussing how they haven’t won anything, how they are down in the numbers, and how they are still all a team who must rock the game harder now.

Bonnie speaks to how there is an elephant in the room; and Melissa says Bonnie is a failure waiting to happen. [Good thing this isn’t a Greek tragedy, Mel.]

In the Challenge

Commanded to get into SUVs, Josh relates the boys’ relief—for they haven’t seen the sun in a long time.

Chef Ramsey announces a first-time Hell’s Kitchen special event: a wedding reception. The teams will first each prepare three sample dishes for the bride- and groom-to-be: one appetizer; one meat dish; one fish dish. They will have $100, a half hour to shop, and one hour to prepare/cook. Starting to sound more like Top Chef, here…, but only for a minute.

Much worse performance-wise is the “team” effort.

APPETIZER
Red Team: puff pastry with melted cheese and fresh strawberry
Blue Team: fresh Dungeness crab salad
Blue scores one.

FISH DISH
Red Team: fresh sea bass with collard greens cured in bacon
Blue Team: fresh sea bass with vegetable foam sauce (did they conjur Marcel for this?)
Red scores one.

MEAT DISH
Blue Team: dry-aged ribeye, pan-seared and served with wild mushroom cream sauce
Red Team: a stark shite plate with a hunk of dried up duck. No sauce, no side, no garnish.
Blue wins.

Chef R. has never been so embarrassed he tells those four Hell’s bitches.

Bloody well done, he tells the boys. They get a relaxing, pampering, sea-side spa pampering. After he jokes that Brad should keep his pants on, he reiterates his congratulations, saying they desrve it and he really means that.

The girls fight; Melissa is spazzed out; Bonnie calls for a mutiny.

The boys are jubilant: Josh says it is a double win, as they won the challenge AND the girls are falling apart.

Julia speaks up and again I am just so proud of her I want to hug her: she tells Melissa that she is doing a whole lot o talking and not very much cookin. Melissa of course tries to blow smoke and convince them it is them, as everybody

forgot how to cook and somebody “you” needs to grow a set of balls. She then gets even more deluded/confident, if that’s possible, and challenges them that if they think they can do better then go.
Oh, it’s on, you can hear their heads screaming. Go, alright. Melissa go boom.

There’s a shot of the guys leaving Hell’s Kitchen…in bathrobes and slippers.

In Decorating Hell
The girls have to take their punishment: decorating the reception hall. That’s punishment? The wedding planner tries to trump up not only his gayness but the great challenge this gig will be—with chiffons, florals, bubbles, bottles, blowers, ribbon throwers, and so many more items…for a “garden of gorgeousness” he gushes.

Melissa starts in again, suggesting she show Julia how to do this, Bonnie how to do that, that she help with this and this and that and that and this…until the two others are so fed up they can only break into giggles at how insane she is.

Melissa looks, by the way, like someone who has been doing a bit too much crank. Course it could be how her body and face respond to sleep deprivation, but her eyes are glassy and pupils are enlarged, her lips are engorged, and again, her hair is flying.

She starts in on this obsessive system of color organization or something really tweaky, and finally, after she has interviewed in the pantry that if nobody is going to step up and control the situation (what situation? You’re tying ribbons and washing flutes, for Chrissake), she will, Bonnie tells her she is going to have to kill her.

The now rubbed up and down boys are doing a down with the bitches toast.

And the greatest bit of dialogue (besides Ramsey determining Melissa has become a right little bitch) is next:

Melissa: I’m trying to come up with a plan.
Julia: I’m workin. That’s my plan.
Bonnie: Who CARES!!??

In the Kitchen
The menu will be from both teams, so of course Melissa goes over to the Blue side a couple million times—purportedly to get advice but really to try to get her nose in their business and boss anyone who will take it.

We get another foreshadowing when Rock interviews that if she were on his team, his dark side would come out.

Melissa fukks up the potatoes, leaving them set in water so long they oxidize. Ramsay screams. Melissa tries to blame Rock, saying he kept changing the recipe on her.

Ramsay screams more, telling her if she would shut the fukk up and listen she might learn something.

As he rages on, the wedding party arrives.

Ramsay assigns the potato makeover to Jen (oh, yeah, we almost forget about her, so quiet and minding her own as she is).

Jen is ready for the opportunity to step up. She’d be good on Survivor, too, where often, the one staying in the background gets very far, while the high profile conflicted ones go down fighting.

Julia’s tasting everything, and Chef acknowledges this, but also says he is very happy with her output so get on with it.

The parents of the bride are not fed yet. This gives us a rare opportunity, to see the snooty dynamics in the dining room: Jean is informed of the fact by the wedding planner, and he is pee-ohed. He tells us he will NOT be bossed about by some wedding planner. Teehee.

He pouts and passes on the info to Chef R..

Rock just wants to hug somebody: he is so proud of his team.

Chef is using tonight as a timing test, though the teams do not know this is the criterion for the night.

Melissa tries one more underhanded tactic…the one that gives us Ramsay’s title for her: she tells the others she needs four more minutes for something, then when Chef R appears says she is ready and asks them all if THEY still need four minutes. But just as we are screaming futile admonishments at the bugger boo horror movie character about to be victimized, just as we are screaming for Ramsay to catch on, he has already figured out what she is up to and calls her on it.

The boys are faster, but then too fast, the sauce getting cold…. Rock looks like he no longer wants to hug. The girls—or Melissa—have knocked sauvignon sauce into the dishwater. Melissa tries to “borrow” some from the Blue team. And Ramsay screams she is a saboteur and has to get out of their kitchen.

Melissa is all bulging eyes and smacking lips and telling us why would she want to sabotage when that just means more of his screamin in her eeyah.

A little plug for the Green Valley Ranch & Resort—by way of a honeymoon package gift for the newlyweds.

A big plug, to the side of the Red team’s heads. They lose…as the Blue Team was three minutes in front.
Jen is called on to nominate two for elimination—again. This time she is worried about her girl, Bon, but nominates her along with Melissa, and sighs she is relieved when Bonnie is put back on line: “I love you, Bonnie,” she whispers.

No love for Melissa, though, as she is raked over the remaining Hell coals and sent to the Blue Team. And Rock is not only not hugging her in welcome but storing up to send her some dark side looks that could kill.

Next week: a roaring fire, compliments of Bonnie.

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