His Woman Done Went with the Big-ass Ape Ninja Syrup-sipping Ass

His Woman Done Went with the Big-ass Ape Ninja Syrup-sipping Ass by Roxanne McDonald

Hug you, New York? Are you out yo mind? Chance is bittttter.

Okay, Mamma would be the first to tell you that you brought the results of “I Love New York” on yourself. In fact, she and the rest of us are surprised you didn’t bring on more and didn’t fall harder than you did—what with all that challenging, threatening to “cutchewup” to Tango, and endangering the delicate Tiffany that way.

Broken glass and boisterous boasting didn’t bully your way into New York’s heart any more than it impressed Sister Patterson. (Ooh, wasn’t she ecstatic when Chance was eliminated?)

Tango is her rock.
Chance is (was) her fire.

But there’s nono fire in Ro-cham-beau, and New York was paralyzed, anyway. She loves you for so many reasons, Chance, how you banged her around, how you yelled at her, how you snatched things out of her mouth….

But Tango, Tango, on the other hand…. He is “gorgeous, big, strong, muscular,” and really really doesn’t let her get her way all the time but still thinks about her at night and still treats her tenderly enough that she realizes she deserves some princess-that-she-is treatment.

Did you think to get her a gift? Or did you not have any money, considering how you didn’t take the bribe from Sister P? That was one redeeming moment for you, maybe—though some of us on the outside looking in think you were going to take the money until New York threw a fit and you got embarrassed.

And when you watch the re-runs of “I Love New York,” you might again be embarrassed by your behavior and attitude compared to those of the others. For a small example,

consider the one-on-one full day and night invitation from New York. When Tango received his, he was delighted that he would get to be with her first, for “that’s all that matters,” he said. And he was excited and appreciative. You, however, when you received your invite, started snarling and griping about what the “new friends” meant, etc., etc., and then had a moment there on the beach where you were most reticent—screaming Ohhh! Oh, hell no, and other negatives right from the start of your dolphin (or dolphin slash shark, as you would say) day.
And your ad hominem (look it up) attacks did little more than maybe push New York over that edge she was razor-blade skating: In one episode alone we heard you call Tango “a Big-ass ape;” “a Ninja Turtle syrup-sipping ass;” and, not to leave out the others, you also called Sister Patterson a devil.
Hmmm, and it was really sad how, unlike when your brother so lovingly and graciously accepted rejection, you instead refused to touch or hug New York, telling her she wasn’t your woman anymore (was she ever?) and telling her on camera, “Hug you? Bitch, please….” And adding, too how you had already hugged that ass, tapped that ass, slapped that ass, ad nauseum.

Yes, we felt for you in your softer moments, and it was nice that you did finally close with how you would miss New York, but Chance, really, we couldn’t, just couldn’t side with you, hope for you to win New York’s heart.

Please don’t ask for our “address” so you can come and cut us, now, though, okay?

Maybe there will be a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off and we will see you as the next Vh1 bachelor in, oh, I don’t know, “Take a Chance on Me”?

SirLinksAlot I Love New York links

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