Mother New York Knows Best

Mother New York Knows Best by Roxanne McDonald

Maybe mother does know best, so listen to your mother, New York, or you may end up with another broken heart.

We don’t believe it when we are kids, and we may even have a hard time accepting it once we realize the parents intuited this or were experienced with that—and were in fact telling us what was best for us. New York has her mother (a.k.a. Sister Patterson) in the house for a reason, and she respects her mom’s opinions…most of the time. Other times, however, she disregards the wisdom and the

warnings and does what she damned well pleases, anyway.
The ex-girlfriends are invited in to dish the dirt on the remaining five boyz—12-Pak, Tango, Real, Chance, and Whiteboy.

Twelve-Pak’s ex confirms mother’s concerns that he is “an undercover gay lover.”

Chance’s ex tells all about his love of drugs, causing mother to ask him whether he is smoking weed in the house—as she has suspected all along.

Real is still in love with his ex, they say, as he “lit up” when she walked into the house—though from my perspective it looks like he lit up very little, lifting little more than an eyelid.

Tango was so obsessed with his career that he and his girlfriend separated, but now New York is asking if he wants her back; Tango is saying how their relationship is non-existent at this point; and moms is noting how “he’s not tellin’ everything.”

And they call Whiteboy on his having had a five-year relationship, a confrontation which he later claims was like a “big ol’ slap in the face—front and back,” whatever that means.

We overhear, as New York does, how 12-Pack is gonna be so famous when this is all over that he will be able to get any job he wants…and Bingo, we gotcha, Fat Freak. Well, fat in head, anyway. He goes to crash or hide his head in the bed, and Chance and Whiteboy pull a frat house ambush on him, which makes him leap up, step up, and which in tirn has Chance saying how he “aint ready for no bloodshed…sheeeit.”

All of this maybe or maybe not on mom’s radar, she is advising Tiffany downstairs—where she has been made the one to decide who gets a date with New York:

“It’s the Real thing, baby…. It’s my decision. I decide. And you’re going out with Real.”

Tiffany sulks and Mom insists, saying as she sends her out the door, “You stay real!”
New York, however, goes to the boys and tells them her mother has decided…on Chance.

She lies to them, lies to her mother, and when it is all out, surprisingly, all Sister Patterson says is that Tiffany is “too pretty to spank.”

Oh, Moms, we are so disappointed. Where is that spunky matriarch of “Flavor of Love” episodes—that screeching shrew who rejected his food, his favors, his attempts at getting on your good side? Still, you hit on how something was off with Twelve-Pak. You anticipated the breakdown of the loverboy—whatshisname, Tango?—twice, now. You have pronounced Chance as a loser.

Tiffany, listen to your mother.
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