Malena the Queen of All Bridezillas

Malena the Queen of All Bridezillas by Roxanne McDonald

Bridezillas, season three, episode eight, like all of the episodes, is packed with persnickety to poo-butt attitudes. But this particular episode (and the second part, in the following episode) has my vote for best beyatch bridezilla of all – Milena.

Not to neglect the entertainment value of the other bridezilla and her spouse, I give you one sample recap of Shelayna and Bart’s experience, first: Shelayna (not all that whacked) comes home with a sample bridal bouquet, which she has bought but is not going to use. Bart, who is a working-class stiff who is getting apoplectic about the budget for this wedding thing thar, asks, “How much that sombitch cost??!!” He repeats this question, dogging her about the room as she looks for a vase to preserve the bright yellow and orange boquet of wildflowers. Once he learns the thing cost 65 dollars, Bart adds, “We’re gonna keep it for 65 days. I don’t care if it’s rotting and there’s worms comin out the basket …. I coulda bought a handful of lap dances for that.”

Well, Bart, not only do lap dances not come by the handful, but Shelayna is not the one we should be billing as the Bridezilla, here. So we must leave you to the annals of wedding albums past and move on to the queen of mean, the bride of overweening pride, Milena.

Let’s just

list some signature bridezilla moments for my fav:

*In the back seat of the car her fiance Adi is driving (taking her to a fitting), she states she wants to use his head as a piñata.

*When she learns that some people have not RSVP’ed to the wedding invitations, she announces she will have security to bounce those who arrive after not having responded.

* As Adi works on the logistics, doing all of the detail work, Milena challenges his method of place card making.

*Our bridezilla gets pissed when she sees how her sister had modified the bridesmaid’s dress by adding to the bust a cluster of grapes. (Okay, this one we gotta give her: what bride wants the uniformity and delight of color motifs facalked up with fake fruit?)

*At the rehearsal session, Milena is critical, condescending, and cracking insults left and right in her efforts to control all future procedure and movements.

*At the rehearsal the officiant mistakenly mispronounces her name, and she snipes big time.

* At one gathering, Milena’s mother is trying to express how special she feels. Milena gestures a need for some lip moisture and walks away from her weepy mother saying something about Chapstick.

*Meanwhile, Adi is toiling away at the place cards and the color-coding stickers, for fish, chicken, or beef preferences of each guest. Malina snipes at a sister who is late, at bridesmaids and family females who are helping her get dressed and who scratch her as they squeeze her into the dress – saying she should have had them de-clawed – and demands a drink.

More pugilist that blushing bride, Milena refers to her bling as f—king this and f—king that; claims she wants to knock the sh-t out of somebody (anybody); and bitches about pictures, about heat, about smells, about non-wedding party people at the hotel (who are “three stooges wearing shorts” in her almighty presence), and about her “fu-king flower girls,” who have not yet come to her and who she wants dragged in by a leash if need be.

The high point of Milena’s perpetual pissiness is when the groom’s parents are late, which holds up the wedding. She promises to hurt them, saying, “They’re parents? They need to f—king run.”

Our spotlight shines on her after-ceremony bitching, as well, as she rides in the limo to the reception and rants still about the now mother-in-law who she wants to run over, or have run over,

which she says would be the best wedding present anyone could give her. And when her mother suggests understanding, forgiveness, and kindness, Milena snipes, “You’re old and ugly, and you had your wedding day already!”

At the reception, after her husband takes the stage and mic and makes a gentle and loving speech, Milena snatches the microphone, apologizes for being a bridezilla and suggests that there were many circumstances that were not her fault which will be handled – she promises.

Shelayna and Bart and other bridezillas got nothing on Milena.

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