Rock of Love Hot From Day One
Rock of Love Hot From Day One by Roxanne McDonald
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The “Flavor of Love” girls have got nuthin’ on the “Rock of Love” chicks! |
The title of the first episode—“Don’t Threaten Me with Love”—may be an admonishment on Bret’s part, but the threats and threatened feelings are rocking the rented pad as soon as the women step foot through door.
Jesus H, this show rocks. Bret rocks. The women rock…the house and each other. Already.
Already Bret has one to five women sitting on his lap, squished way up against him, in his face (almost ON his face…).
Already Big John (Bret’s best friend and body guard) has established alpha power, but then softened to the already belligerent Tiffany, who after getting cut [along with four others] by Big John before the women even entered the pad stomped to the front door, pounded until she was let in, and pleaded and insisted until Big John relented.
Already someone [Tiffany] has gotten so drunk she has
-done the pole dance…for the other women…crotch bared and upsetting many
-invaded one-on-one times with Bret
-invaded the space of the less aggressive [needy] women
-insulted one woman by not knowing her name
-insulted another woman by doing the talk-to-the-hand thing
-irritated just about every one of the 20 other contenders
-amused Bret enough [who notes the drunk she is on is a place they have all been and deserves a second chance] that he keeps her on for round two
Tiffany, hereinafter in this article known as Skunk Stripes, is not alone in her ostentatious ways, however much she may be the head headache.
Big John has announced there is only one rule: hands off Bret’s guitars. Lacey [I have no nickname for her yet] heads straight for the stage set-up area and bangs away on the drums, eliciting a response from another that Lacey is tryin’ way too hard.
Tamara the Tart, or Sweetart, has issued the observation that Bret is, like, the hottest rock star ever! Okay, we’ll give her this one. Bret is unbeleeevably fine: sexy, smart, articulate, compassionate, and funny as hell as he editorializes for us as he goes.
Magdalena we will call Rava, the writer in “The Statue” episode of Seinfeld: Rava is bitter, jaded, grumpy, and spews vitriol and venom about the others—especially about Cowboy Hat (Rodeo), but, no, about everybody except Bret. But, hey, she has the most cleanly shaven legs that go all the way up to her ass and all, so who are we to complain?
Cowboy Hat is actually one of the cooler, classier women thus far in the game. She is low key, attractive to Bret [with whom he says he has some quality sensibilities in common], and will provide those rare moments of comic relief: when the drunk skunk is flashing her cooch on the stripper pole and Rodeo comes onto the scene, she just barely utters,
“What. the. hayull?” Gotta love the dignity…, and the great look she got in her eyes when Bret touched her hand and she felt this cosmic connection, this jolt of true love run right through to her soul.
Heather is the “I’ll-show-you” one, so far one of the toughest, most direct, and most flagrant with showing off and showing up. Maybe she should be called the Alphawannabe…or Alphabitty.
Then there’s Gummy Boobs. I am sooo sorry, but this is the one we usually love to hate: big fake rubbery mammaries, big glaringly white-blonde hair, a sqeaking, sqealing, whiiiiiiining voice—that she uses at least five times in the first hour and a half. This is Brandi C., tugging and pulling and prodding and pleading and provoking…and pouting when she doesn’t get every second of Bret to herself.
One of my favorites-to-make-fun-of, though, has got to be the one I will call Antithesis. Jessica [not to be confused with yet-to-be-figured-out Jes] is an idiot. A ditz. A dingbat. She does that bordering on baby talk thing that is so utterly offensive as it leaves her made up face topped by yet again that blanched out (yeah, I mean BLANCHED OUT) hair…. She warbles and waffles and wiggles and says a bunch of non-sequitur stuff—when she’s not spacing out. Bret even describes her as being kind of in the room but not really. LOL. But that’s not what is so absolutely absurdly hysterical: what is… is after she does her tard number, she tells us that she thinks she is impressing Bret, she “feels really smart,” and…AND…, when she gets cut the first night, tells us she guesses he just doesn’t like girls that are “really smart.”
And all my studies over seventeen years just fly by the wayside as I step back and out of the path of the genius so she can shine on crazy diamond.
There’s the other Brandi with the ‘I’, but she is not to be misconstrued or mixed up with any other Brandi, for she is a Scorpio, which makes me whince for Bret’s sake even if he doesn’t, and she is not about to sit back or step down for any other babe. She just cuts right in to a conversation and announces she is ruled by her loins. Well, she says genitals. Same. obnoxious. thing.
Raven is another forceful, as Bret calls her, contender. But she is also way too openly intellectual, which clearly turns Bret off. She should have stuck to baring her breasts or crotch-grinding him the way the lush [Skunk Stripes] did.
There are a couple of women I like, though what kind of snarky article could I write without the freaks and un-chics? I like the grounded and grounding countenance of Cowboy Hat; and I think Lacey might just be the Gracie to Bret’s Burns.
Faith is a beautiful, darling girl, but she had such a marginal presence about her that with these chicks banging the drums, banging for entry, and banging each other’s brains out and about, Faith might not have much a chance to show what she can offer.
Sigh. We have to leave that to the mouthy and mangy ones who have already called out for their “Baby Boy”, have already decided they are perfect for Bret, and/or have announced that he is taken and therefore all the others can just $%^& off.
SirLinksAlot Rock of Love links
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How does a lonely 37 year old 5″101/2 red haired green eyed woman get to meet brett michaels whos also been in love with him for twenty years?
Comment by rockinharleyangel — July 19, 2007 @ 3:49 pm
this rockin harley angel get a chance to meet brett michaels if he’s not to busy please email me at pureangel96@hotmail.com you want your dream girl bret your looking in the wrong place I’m in Arizona.
Comment by rockinharleyangel — July 19, 2007 @ 3:52 pm