Time to Showcase Something More than Boobs

Time to Showcase Something More than Boobs by Roxanne McDonald

“Rock of Love” 4 sees Bret gift-giving over ogling…most of the time.

At least his putting music and more substantive relationships over heaving bosoms becomes more evident in this the fourth installment of “Rock of Love.”

I mean, who woulda guessed he would have sent Brandi C. home so soon? Good for him that he is looking beyond what clearly would have lasted only as long as the air in the balloons did.

You know she is in for some kind of fall when Brandi C. is featured first in interview. And, yeah, if you are anywhere near being more for Bret than the gummy boob brigade, you are probably welcoming the booting of an incessant whiner.

This week, Brandi C. is whining to Big John, who has intercepted her attempt to sneak into Bret’s room late one night.

The boy needs what little rest he is getting, girlie.

And evidently, he is protected in sleep, for he appears the nest morning, rested and ready to involve the women in yet another music-related challenge they have no business being involved in.

[Yuh. I KNOW Bret has called for a chick who will put up with, go along for, and never interfere with his rocker lifestyle. But does the woman he chooses have to BE a rocker, too? If that’s the case, Bret is going to be soooo bummed, as not even Lacey the self-proclaimed musician can keep up.]

The challenge is to take the instrumentals from one of two songs and put words to them.

Bret pairs the women:

Magdalena and Heather – You KNOW Heather will bitch any minute now about being paired with the man of the bunch. Yep. There she goes.

Jes and Brandi M. – Jes tells us she and Brandi can’t write, can’t sing, and so just sit around and smoke

Lacey and Erin – Lacey the quintessential MUSICIAN is quite put out having been paired with one who can’t even hold a simple four-count beat on the tambourine.

Sam and Brandi C. – Sam says Brandi C. is way monotone, and so tries to help her with this inane advanced vocal exercise.

Rodeo and Mia – Rodeo gets way too jubilant over her brilliant creation, while Mia finally speaks!

The guest judge is Richard Blade, joined by Big John and Bret. Should we warn them to put in the earplugs now, or let them suffer as we have?

Lacey and Erin are up first, with Lacey trying to overcompensate for Erin’s inability to tambourine.

Magdalena and Heather perform next, and Heather tells us that she has conceded to how, okay, big girl has big voice. Blade tells them the singing was not great but the lyrics were decent.

Jes and Brandi M. bring along guitars, and at least have an upbeat and cheerful approach to the performance. Sam calls it adorable. It was.
Blade says the lyrics touched him.

Rodeo and Mia do this cacophonous number that Rodeo is clearly quite proud of, but the lyrics are all about involving kids in his music world and even the dumbest of women is horrified, frowning, and looking around as if to say, “Wha?”

Now a few hours earlier, Bret had consoled Rodeo as she wailed for her son. [Not sure, but hope she didn’t think that would endear her even more to him.] Now, Bret says that the lyrics about children didn’t fit the song, and you can see a slight terror of what implied pedophilia would do to a rock star just in his halting and knocked back looks.

Rodeo tries to rationalize the whole kid thing [while we know she thinks this is her shoe-in connection to Bret].

Sam and Brandi C. close the competition with a number that while it was even cuter to watch, would have had them broken in several places by Simon Cowell were they to do it on Idol. But they aren’t on Idol, obviously, and after Bret asks what the inspiration was for the song, Sam honestly discloses how they have no idea of his ways…, whether he is for real, for them, lying to them, etc., and explains she and B.C. were/are trying to figure Bret out…in this case, through the song.

Bret tells us Sam has some serious mistrust issues.

Judge Blade recaps his reviews, saying Magdalena and Heather worked together well and he liked the lyrics; telling Jes and B.M. that he didn’t like the superfluous guitars and they would have presented just as pretty without them; noting that Rodeo and Mia worked together well and gave a great performance [um. Hello?]; and saying to Sam and Brandi C. that the lyrics were just great but the vocals

unintelligent— and closes with a kind of slogan they can live by in the “Rock of Love” house: Lyrics to be proud of, singing to be embarrassed by.
Bret calls a tie, which you KNOW is gonna set off someone—even and especially those being named in the tie.

Magdalena and Heather and Brandi and Sam.

Heather calls it a cop-out; and Brandi C. calls it bullshit. And Jes says that she is left at the house once again.

Oh, and Rodeo is crying and crying and crying some more, finalizing the foreshadowing of the VIP Backstage Pass Ceremony.

The double dating dealies involve the first two with Bret at a nice dinner, discussions of teaching Bret the art of dating [this show must have launched soon after his break-up with Kirsty], deterioration into discussions of tattoos and tonguing, and Bret gushing about the moment he looked into the beautiful Heather’s eyes.

The second date is on horseback, and Brandi C. is acting all twelve again, and you can see in Bret’s regard for her and for Sam’s dignified silence that he is pretty set with choices for the elimination.

Brandi C. is way too into him, so much so that she doesn’t see it coming and doesn’t see how others can take her boyfriend [yep, she said that several times in the last four weeks] away….

So now that I have given away the results of the final ceremony, oh, I have to add that Bret gave the first dates, Magdalena and Heather, electric guitars and gave the second dates, Brandi C. and Sam, flattops. Now which of these four will cherish, know what to do with these instruments—besides pawn them for more make-up or boob money?

Sigh.

Bret dismisses Rodeo at the START of the ceremony, maybe to evade the possible nervous breakdown that is Rodeo. But he says he had to do it in a way that would allow her to keep her dignity, and that included giving her the hat off his head [which you know SHE will cherish the hell out of] and sidestepping the elimination decision by attributing it to how much she needs to be with her boy. He was ever so gentle and convincing, and Rodeo took it well, believed it to be the reason she was so not right for him.

Bret then distributes the passes, leaving the last two passes to the last three women standing: Lacey [who will kill him in a good way], Brandi C. [who is just mortified her boyfriend doesn’t get her], and Heather [who is doing the oh-no-he-didn’t lump me in with Lacey and Brandi C. as the final ones here].

Lacey is chosen seventh, and Heather is chosen eighth. Heather knows she is looked down upon by the others for her stripper lifestyle, but she doesn’t care. She’s classy. She’s fun. She thinks….

And the flower child, sexpot Bret loved in Brandi C. has just got to go because the relationship would be little more than sex—just the four of them: Bret, Brandi, and the boobies. So he lets her down by displacing the issue, by saying he comes with a LOT of baggage. She is just dumb enough to nod to that. Or maybe she is just so stunned her boyfriend is breaking up with her.

And as “Every Rose Has its Thorn” plays in the background [or over the footage, I don’t know], they toast—with water, cause Bret’s liver is feeling the ravages already.

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