Scott Baio is 45 and NOT Single

Scott Baio is 45 and NOT Single by Roxanne McDonald

Okay, so the title of the new Vh1 show is misleading. Scott has a beautiful girlfriend, Renee. Maybe the literal use of the term “single” is in play here–but we should take it more figuratively?

And so what? Quit yer cryin’. Single to many of us in this the 21st century means completely unattached. But as we get all into the semantics, let’s consider that production of the show, “Scott Baio is 45 and Single,” considers the term to be intended in contrast to being married.

Then again, even Scott’s new life coach thinks of Renee as significant enough that Scott is not allowed to see her, have sex with her, or do anything with her along those

relationshippy lines. And that means a lot to those of us who might be tempted to call ourselves (er, I mean Scott and his n-er-do-well bras) sex addicts who need to get real…by going cold turkey!? What? Wait. You mean I can’t have sex while I figure out why all I prefer to do is have sex over co-co-commitment?

First, before coming to this agreement, he has to get a life coach: Scott interviews for a life coach and we get to meet some of the candidates for this apparently daunting role.

Number 1 is a past-life coach.
Number 2 is a clairvoyant life coach.
Number 3 is some life coach into sharing sunglasses.
Number 4 is an intimate (and we mean INtimate) life coach.
Number 5 is a coach who works the feng shui of the body organs, but never fear, at least she won’t, she says, ask him to move his liver to the northeast side of his body or something like it. [And Scott’s disgusted looks throughout this process are precious!]

Finally Scott chooses (and does he ever: he seems to be quite the malcontent, quite a bitter grown-up child star, and at the same time is also one who cuts through the bullshit and gets right to his point, his aim, his target goals) Doc Ali, whom he SAYS he calls “Dark Alley” but I didn’t catch that except when he says to his boyz that he calls her that….

Hiz Boyz:

Jason Hervey, Wayne the mean big brother on “The Wonder Years” is how he is narr-introduced by Scott, but he is the producer of “Scott Baio is 45 and Single,” so that should tell you something. I don’t know what.

Steve Cucchio or Cuccio, or just, oh, call him “Cooch”. That’s what his buds call him.

And, ugh, get ready for the co-star who is really a foil…to

anyone who tries to get Scott away from him: Johnny V. Scott tells us he has been Scott’s wing man since Scott was 16. Hasn’t helped much in the getting you hooked up and un-single, has it? More, unfortunately, with Johnny in a minute.

Now the contract.

The whole life coach process, as Doc Ali deems it, will involve two most imperative clauses: 1, Scott will revisit the past with his exes, with the goal of cleaning up—looking at what went right, looking at what went wrong, she says. 2, No Renee. No sex. Scott responds exactly the same way he did when that life coach candidate number 4 told him she would be VERY hands on during their process (the same kind of hands-on approach that worked so well for, oh, say, Ava Moore as the life coach Julia hires to help Matt do his homework on “Nip/Tuck”)

So. First visit is with Sue, who I think is an ex wife? I don’t know. I am already confused and we haven’t even gotten through the first fifty exes. He later refers to “my wife,” and he calls her Sue when he is leaving, so I am doing the best dedecing I can. Whatever. She is ex- enough that she tells him all he wants to hear and much he needs to, evidently: she tells him that one, he was always looking for the next best thing and there is no next best thing there is only the next thing; and she refers to his taking off to cheat on her with a Playmate, and tells him he has commitment issues. Okay. Not sure how many times I can hear that….

Hear it you WILL, Missy, again and again, and you will like it.

For next up is Erin Moran, Joanie to Scott’s Chachi, first-sex conquest to his 14-year-old conqueror complex: Erin is quite decent to him, quite stoic and even still supportive. After telling Scott that a month and a half after they were together he was talking MARRiage, and after telling him in a kind of reticent whisper that another reason was he couldn’t “grow,” and after adding that he hates people and that will make for a tough husband and father image, she invites him to an autograph-signing event the next day.

She loves doing that and being known, still, as Joannie. He HATES doing that and hates being known, still, as Chachi. But he goes cause Erin says it will be good for him—or because he realizes, after talking to his buddies at the race track that he will never have the courage or desire to do it unless he just does it.

Oh, and, there is a scene with his agent, Harry Gold, all hush-hushed behind closed doors (so he thinks or so he pretends he thinks), sort of gently lecturing Scott about being all exposed on a reality TV show and not being protected or something, and Scott saying how it’s uh a bit late to be saying all this AS THE CAMS ROLL…. Did Mr. Gold NOT have some say in the production of the new show? I find that as hard to believe as Johnny V, coming into the shop where Joannie and Chachi are signing, yanking Scott away early, feigning apologies and politeness, and then like a speed freak returning halfway to Erin (like three times) to tell her something else as he feigns getting his wingee out cause he doesn’t feel well, that, by, the, way, Erin is being an “ounce rude”. Uh, why again?

Johnny V makes Ratzo Rizzo look like the hottest piece of meat in the market.

Well, actually, Scott, though he looks wicked tired, world-weary, sad, depressed, is still the hottest thing on the show. Let’s see how long he can keep this up. Or down.

Okay, I have my own diagnosis, prognosis, whatever. Did you think I wouldn’t? Or worse, did you think I would spare you the proselytizing?

This is really an easy one. A no-brainer…, though it takes those of us in the very center of the problem eons to figure it out: you want love and all that, but you go on your first “date” at 14 and you tell her within the first half hour that you see marriage in the near future. Not fear of commitment; not fear of intimacy; TERROR of intimacy! Conveniently scare that Other away PDQ, brother! Then you can move on to the next and next and next and risk lots of yummy diseases, disorders, or dysfunctions.

Then you can be 45 and single and still not figure out that you are so afraid to be chained that you invite the shackles that you fear. Instant and easy sabotage.

Next!

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