Agents, Heal Thyselves

Agents, Heal Thyselves by Roxanne McDonald

One fat and tattooed, one bitchy and a drunk. And they decide who’s right for making them some money.

Kind of like a clandestine trailer trash (sorry, Mr. Trump) husband and wife who decide they are gonna seduce some young thing into satisfying their needs for fame and fortune, Pink and Becky make it their goal to seek out “tall and skinny.” Repeatedly, they announce their aim is to find “tall and skinny.” Repeatedly, they reduce the beauty industry as it is so well explored in “America’s Next Top Model” to two half-assed agents searching for Olive Oyl.

But they don’t round up a single skinny and tall, not even an ugly one. That in itself is pitiful—that they go on a quiet search and get zero positive results, when, again, a production like ANTM can elicit a response that lines up around the studio and down the block.

Pink is a fat, conceited, middle-aged man in tats and a bathing suit that falls below his sizeable belly. He falls into the swimming pool rather than slipping all suavely in. He ends up deciding on one short, mediocre girl to pounce on.

Becky is a shrill, sloppy in bodily movements woman with stringy hair and an aggressive attitude that is not all that consistent but instead is more self-serving one minute and abrasive in rejection of all that is potential Agency fare the next. She’s also a lush—out drinking with tagalong smoky-throated Lola in a Hicksville bar instead of focusing on the task at hand.

Back at the Agency, Greg is lying to Tommy Hilfiger’s assistant (or casting director, or someone), then pulls in the kid he wants to pimp out to Hilfiger and forces him to lie, too.

So far we have a corpulent colleague, a stringy shrew, and a lascivious liar. So far we get two large gals who think the A in Agency must really be the A for American Idol, as they come in weighing 300 pounds apiece, dressed in matching outfits, and singing how they “love country;”

a listing of hopefuls who are 5’4”, 5’4”, 5’4”, 5’6”, 5’6”, 5’4”; and one who is 45…and short…and not thin.

The Agency players may want to brush their hair, lose some weight themselves, try some Naltrexone or an AA meeting, and put together a casting call—complete with requisites they seek.

But more likely than not, they will blame the results on the non-existence of quality talent and the nature of the editing of the program to begin with.

SirLinksAlot The Agency links

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