Mock Red Carpet Results

Mock Red Carpet Results: “The Next Best Thing” Finale by Roxanne McDonald

Elvis rules!

Not surprised Elvis won, though I kinda preferred the Elvis in the powder blue jacket and bucks: Donny Edwards.

Oh, boy. Now I am gonna get all kinds of flack from the Trent Carlini fans, followers, and advocates.

[See “The Next Best Thing” message boards where they are nuts about Trent.] Sorry, peeps; I just think Edwards is a better singer and much more in the Elvis voice, and I can’t help but still get creeped out by the oddly shaped face and space age contact lenses Carlini has/wears.
But he won, so I have been outnumbered, clearly.

Here’s a quick recap of the “The Next Best Thing” finale, complete with red carpet ceremony led by a Joan Rivers impersonator who sort of introduced the Final Ten:

Little Richard—Garry Moore
Paris Hilton—Natalie Reid
Lucille Ball—Suzanne LaRusch
Barbra Streisand–Sharon Owens
Robin Williams—Roger Kabler
Heartbreak Elvis—Trent Carlini
Blue Suede Elvis—Donny Edwards
President George W. Bush—John Morgan
Tina Turner—Cookie Watkins
Frank Sinatra—Sebastian Anzaldo

The final ten all perform together—a cheesy as hell theme song. But the topper that made me titter was the closing: with Tina Tuner on GW Bush’s knee. The real Bush would get far less flack if he went around doing this kind of thing instead of torturing and warmongering and whatnot.

After the judges are introduced, the great producers—Michael Lloyd and Greg O’Conner—are acknowledged, and the house band and back-up singers are cheered, the final performances (not for votes but for fun) begin:

First up are the dueling Elvises, singing “Burnin’ Love” and trying to jokingly out-do each other with the last ta-da!

I missed what Elon said, but Jeffrey said it doesn’t matter who wins tonight; what matters is who gets to go home with Paris Hilton. Lisa Ann started by saying that what happens in Vegas is usually treatable with antibiotics, but those two are hunkahunkas and now she understands the power of the king.

Sinatra and Streisand did “It’s Witchcraft,” complete with silly cocktail lounge banter and Barbra cleverly (well) clad in a Funny Girl/red, white, blue and glitter gown.

Elon said he just realized that the only think better than Frank n Beans is Frank and Babs. Jeffrey throw in some honorifics, too, like Old Blue Eyes and Old Cross Eyes. And Lisa Ann said she loves this act, because it is playful, ethnic, and right Paison? food like spaghetti and matzo balls.

Paris Hilton was introduced as a solo act, told America we’re “hot”, and then said since she was getting good at this magic thing she would do another. She introduces her assistant, the venerable GW Bush, and tells him to, okay, “Get into my box.” Paris then explains that she will sprinkle her famous

magic dust [corn chips or something like them] and will say “Abracadabra, for every man that gets in [her] box disappears.”
The phone then of course rings and she asks the caller how she looks. The president does indeed disappear, and when she can’t find him she tells the audience she is so sorry: she made the president disappear. And the crowd goes wild.

Jeffrey said how when the president disappeared, he [returned because] he realized Cheney was taking over the presidency. Elon cracked “you’ve gotten your best approval rating yet…. And the president was good, too!” And Lisa Ann told them she would miss them and that we [America] is sure glad they had both finished serving their time.

Robin Williams and Lucille Ball did a hilarious “Dancing with the Stars” bit, Michelle calls it.

Elon asked Lucy what she was doing with Mork and that she got “some splainin to do;” then told them both they are talents in their own rights. Jeffrey remarked what a combo they make, telling them they go together like Lohan and rehab. But he added that they did a great job and he loves them both. Lisa Ann said the crowd loves Lucy and Robin, and then thanked them both for bringing the entertainment through this long, hot summer.

Michelle announced, again, the superstar mystery guest, then introduced Little Richard alone. You know he will have someone joining him but you don’t know that one, Tina Turner will storm the stage and the two will rock the hell out of the night, and two, that the curtains will part and there, sitting playing a piano, is the REAL Little Richard! It was heartbreaking and heart warming at once, so brilliant and lovely and funny is the great one and yet so slowed and weakened is he by the damned ravages of time.

Still, after the judges pay respect with accolades, he manages to muster the classic crack-up: “Shut up.”

Brilliant.

“The Next Best Thing” really brought a fresh angle to reality TV competitions. So what that it was too limited budget-wise to even put subscript on the screen so we would KNOW who to report on and how to spell their names, for crimeny sake? So what that in my less than humble opinion the wrong Elvis won?

At least the whole production stopped short of voting the president as the winner and kissing up to all that is bad politics.

Harumph.

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