Now How Did SHE Make it to the Semi-finals?!

Now How Did SHE Make it to the Semi-finals?! by Roxanne McDonald

Of the thousands (okay, hundreds) of great impersonators—meeting the three criteria for “Next Best Thing”—how in hell did a horrible Madonna-wannabe make it to that stage?

God help us. Somebody has to. There were twenty-eight semi-finalists…. But how many auditioned? Twenty-eight thousand? And don’t tell me that was the best Madonna. (Methinks they fell mesmerized by her beauty mark or eyes asparkle….

Then again, what do I know? I thought of all the Tina Turners we saw, the one to go through was the least

likely—and then was my mind ever changed. Here are the performers for the first night (again sometimes without real names, as I can’t understand, I miss, or I go into a coma or something; would be great if like “America’s Got Talent or American Idol the names were flashed on the screen?):
Tina Turner did “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” and was brilliant—from her facial expressions to her energy level to being in tune and well-timed with her delivery to the way she slid her mouth back over her teeth to the little cha-cha scurry dance thing the real Tina does onstage.

Elon said she gave the reall Tina Turner a run for her money, was awesome. Jeffrey said he would love to see her and the real Tina Turner in a Turner-off; and that she did such a great job that everyone to follow had a lot to live up to.

George W. Bush [John Morgan] did his enetertaining schtick. I’m sorry, I just shut down about five words in. Ick.

Jeffrey asked, “Mr. President, the whole world wants to know: are you smarter than a fifth grader?” Lisa Ann thought he was funny; and Elon told him it looks like his brother doesn’t have to be the president of NBC for him to win this one, that it was great.

Elvis did a spot on “Heartbreak Hotel,” a good choice of song in my opinion, as many E impersonators choose a slow or less-than-sexy (if that’s possible) song and then try to make the famous pelvis action fit…when it doesn’t. This Elvis (I think the guy is the one everybody is all achatter about over at the NBT message boards) was beautiful and skillful and yeah, a tad egotistical…. So what.

Lisa Ann found it very exciting to watch Elvis again, so exciting she felt like a young Ann Margaret. Hey, I bet that’s not the first time she has been likened to the sex kitten of the sixties. Elon, speaking on behalf of all the politically challenged, said they had seen so many Elvises that the fact that he made it this far speaks to how awesome he is.

Lucille Ball [Suzanne LaRouche] was so adorable even before her set: she told the cams that if Lucille Ball were alive today and watching that hopefully (and Suzanne starts to well up), she was proud of her. She then does the most creative remake of the Vitavitavegamin commercial skit, turning it into the Fresher Farmers’ Fabulous Fennel…which is fermented. Of course. Wonderful eye actions, physicality, voice, etc..

Lisa Ann shouts, “I say, Go Big Red!” And Jeffrey says, “Everybody loves Raymond; Everybody hates Chris; but I love Lucy!”

Tim McGraw [Buck McCoy] performs “How Bad Do You Want It”, and while he looks decent and sounds good enough, I have never seen McGraw perform (TV or otherwise), so I can’t comment on accuracy or talent.

Elon, who was just staring…, says that while he has a great voice, the real McCoy, I mean, McGraw is really charismatic, and Buck has all the charisma of Dr. Phil McGraw. Ooooh. However, Jeffrey says that while he [Jeffrey] didn’t vote the guy forward, he did find Buck really brought Tim to life tonight. Now that’s a rare moment—when the Comedy Twins disagree.

Paris Hilton comes slinking onstage…. I’m thinking this is going to be really weak, as what does Paris do (NOT who does she do, but what oh what could be all that entertaining)? But surprisingly, she has a little “I am a magician with magic dust” number, and is pretty damned

funny. Well, she gets a giggle out of me. So I’m thinking there is brilliance in the impersonation as one poking fun at Paris…even though she temporarily is Paris…. She eats the magic sprinkles; tells the non-complying assistant he is going to ruin her magic act, the idiot, etc.. Good stuff.
She also stays in character as Lisa Ann has one question for Paris: “Whose had more boyfriends, you or Lance Bass?” She replies that she doesn’t know because she doesn’t watch fishing shows. And Elon comments that he really felt like he was watching the real Paris Hilton because he was both oddly turned on and nauseous. He concludes that her commitment is incredible, and she really nailed it.

Shania Twain [Stacey Whitton Summers] performs in a Fredrick’s of Hollywood thing, a song about empowerment. Again, I have never seen or heard Shania, and can’t find the song title, so please refrain from snarking in this direction. Thanks. She is okay from what I do know.

Lisa Ann comments, “In the words of NASCAR, ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’” And Jeffrey asks her if she is wearing a doily and says that yeah, she looks great, but as far as the singing goes, he doesn’t know that he loved it.

Jay Leno does an uncanny, adorable thing—the Late Night with Jay Leno thing, of course. I liked him, and even laughed a little, but knew what was coming (as Elon had advised this same guy in the auditions about register and pitch and all).

Elon says that it is so unbelievable how he looks and sounds like him…, but the energy is still off and the original audition was better. Lisa Ann disagrees, though, and says that she thought he was funny and that it all depends on whther or not you like Jay Leno to begin with.

Celine Dion [Brigitte Valdez] does “Because You Loved Me” and is so much on the mark that she gets everything from energy and eye movement to mouth shape and even the French-Canadian accent in the lyrics a couple of times.

Jeffrey starts by telling her she looks great—and even wonders if she lost weight…, because, he says, she is about 5 pounds away from her birth weight. Lisa Ann sends her hugs for the next best thing….

Bono belts out a remarkably likeness with “Fortunate Son”, written by John Fogerty (and originally performed by Creedence Clearwater). Jeffrey asks that since we all know the real Bono is very politically active, what cause is most important to him. He answers, and Jeffrey adds that he is even as boring as the real Bono! Lisa Ann says that he is simply “Bonolicious”.

Simon Cowell [Mike Wilson] does the funniest stand-up [well, sit-down] bit…. One of my favorites, for example, is when he quotes James Taylor: “‘I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain…. Well, who hasn’t, James?”

Jeffrey says that Simon is always criticizing singers…. So, just for a first, how about if he sings? Simon, in character, says that oh, no, then they will have another case of Sanjayarrhea. Elon comments that he was in and out of the persona a little, but good.

And last to perform is first to make this viewer balk: Ashley Somebody does Madonna singing “Borderline”—a croaking, drippy, tacky “Borderline”. This prompts the boos and groans throughout the stadium, and given this new reality-fed but still soul-hungry crowd, we almost expect more than tomatoes to be hurled onstage. God, I in my near-300-pound carcass could have done better. (Of course, I have a brilliant singing voice. Ahem. Meeeeemeeemeeee.)

Jeffrey says he was a Madonna fan until he saw that, and tells her she needs to desperately seek singing lessons. Elon nods that he was “this close” to joining Kaballah and now, “no, it…chuh…eh…was…ih….” Lisa Ann pipes in, “Borderline?” “Thank you: Borderline.”

Worse.

The FIVE who SURVIVE:

Elvis
Tina Turner
Paris Hilton
George W. Bush
Lucille Ball

SirLinksAlot The Next Best Thing links

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