Bourdain Just not Impressed by that Somebitch
Bourdain Just not Impressed by that Somebitch by Roxanne McDonald
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“Top Chef: Miami” premieres, sending a potential favorite but pitifully under-prepared chef home. |
The new cheftestants arrive in a colorful display of all that is Miami—palm trees, sun, bright and pastel colors, beach and beach dwellers, etc.
They each have something to say about their methodology, cooking attitude or aptitude, or the competition.
Dale Levitski is featured saying his way is to “keep it simple, keep it true,” and that winning would mostly mean validation.
Clay Bowen thinks he is the dark horse, here to represent the oft-neglected South in cuisine. (Hey, my grandmother always had iced tea and ate crackers in milk…does that count?)
Joey Paulina is bringing out the New Yawk accent as he states the obvious—that he is here to win—and the maybe not so obvious but implied—that he intends to be, is, the biggest ^%$@@ here.
Hung Hunyh (who played to the cameras during the Top Chef Smackdown) will likely beg to differ, for he says HE is the craziest and loudest one there.
And Lia Bardeen waxes philosophical with the discussion of all of the competition as being chefs, sous chefs, or owners of their own businesses…and how even one with no experience could take this thing…provided the drive, etc., etc..
As they do a meet and greet at Johnny Versace’s former manse, Padma and Tom come out and welcome them, and Tom stresses how he is not a mentor but a head judge whose job it is to check in on their progress and report back.
Party’s over, announces Padma, and with that begins the competition…with the first Quickfire Challenge.
While of course every single one has to make and does make an amuse bouche with the remaining party foods and using only the existing plastic utensils, we don’t see every dish (though I doubt this is a typical indication—that those featured in the editing are those who will be the longest standing).
Micah has purposely avoided oysters, cause everyone goes for the expensive stuff her catering experience tells her. So instead, she creates what she calls Tuscan Sushi Revisited.
Howie whips up a poached shrimp and heirloom tomatoes in a champagne vinaigrette.
Dale does beef tenderloin with blue cheese and sliced radish.
Sara M. does an oyster with pineapple something-ette and poached salmon.
Hung slams it into overdrive from the start, with a hamachi, grapes, creamy egg rice, chili sauce, olives, and pesto.
Tre also creates a hamachi with avocado and strawberries, also using champaigne in his vinaigrette and serving it in an oyster shell—even though I am not quite wrapping my brain around that.
Clay, poor Clay, is a bit green in the amuse bouche area, according to the self-proclaimed know-it-all Casey—who says she knows amuse bouche and knows it is the start and knows it sets the tone of each meal and… (there’s whun in effary bunch, sigh). Clay uses a hollowed out apple as the serving device, and fills it with fruit gazpacho.
Tom was slightly amused…by the offerings, that is: his favorites are Micah’s, Sara’s, and Hung’s; his least favs are Dale’s, Tre’s (needs more acidic), and Clay’s (way too big). And best of the bunch is Micah’s.
But my favorite (chef, that is) is Clay. Back at the gorgeous penthouse with the wrap-around deck view and all, Clay asks the others how coo-coo they thought he was with that first offering, than says, “Hey, I’m from Mississippi. Just pick it up and eat that somebitch.”
Gohohoho, Clay! You know he is not long for the competition, and will be yet another to contribute to what he had first said was a sad underrepresentation of the South in the culinary world.
Yep.
Worse than flinching over this fact is knowing (hearing) how Clay’s dad was super focused in the restaurant biz, but couldn’t take it when it got the better of him…when he committed suicide.
Are you sure you want to subject yourself to an even more intense experience than that—the competition, with such judges as Tom Colicchio, Gail Simmons, and, this week, the special guest judge, infamous Anthony Bourdain, who Tom says is difficult to surprise and even harder to please?
Are you sure you should be around knives?
Okay, so right on the tail of arriving and facing the competition and heat is a swipe to the shiny GE Monogram ovens and a panoramic view of the spread of proteins—for the Elimination Challenge:
Tom explains that Surf and Turf is about showing off…but is in this case too easy if they were to use ordinary proteins. So the spread includes exotic proteins, too, and the cheftestants draw knives, choose, and have two hours to prep, 30 minutes and 30 dollars to shop, and must deliver a Surf and Turf that has at least one exotic protein of the two chosen.
I won’t draw out the choosing and complaining (of which
there really wasn’t much, anyway), and will instead just go to the final dishes:
First Group (Knives 1-8)
1. Joey – seared buffalo rib eye steak and grilled scorpion fish with Mediterranean salad and chips
2. Sara N. – razor clams and sweet corn chowder, buffalo rib eye with black truffle sauce
3. Clay – pan-seared wild boar chops and cornbread, scorpion fish with a Cajun Creole flair
4. Lia — sesame-crusted wild boar and lentils, sea urchin panacotta
5. Casey alligator fried steak with braised greens, razor clams
6. CJ – ostrich tartare with horseradish, crab salad of anise and tomato
7. Sandee – spider crab jambalaya, Cajun fried frog legs
8. Howie (who ran like ten seconds short of time when he went for a second crisping) – sea urchin chanterelle risotto, minus the crispy frog leg lollipops
Second Group (Knives 9-15)
9. Hung – slow-cooked black chicken, raw geoduck with innards broth/sauce
10. Sara M. – braised black chicken, geoduck ceviche and cool cucumber and red pepper salad
11. Dale – braised apple hash monkfish liver, mustard-seared alligator tail
12. Brian (who also run out of time and failed to plate a miso and blood orange salad) – Hair of Medusa: fried rattlesnake and lime aioli, Electric Venom Soup: snake and eel with an Asian flair
13. Camille – spicy maple abalone fritter, pan-seared kangaroo with herb salad
14. Tre – roasted ostrich fillet with roasted heirloom tomato and abalone sauce
15. Micah – seared kangaroo and sweet potato pudding and monkfish liver and poached egg, ostrich carpaccio with more monkfish liver
All I can think of is how this competition sure defies the animal conservation efforts.
At the Judges’ Table
Gail finds Dale’s alligator “super tough” and Clay’s inedible. Tom says Tre’s meat is perfect: perfectly seasoned, crunchy abalone. Anthony is really impressed with Hung. And Tom and Anthony loved the whole black chicken presentation.
Overall, says Anthony, a promising start with a lot of nice surprises. A couple of not technical failures, but failures of nerve, he adds.
Hung and Tre are called in for the best: Hung’s was sophisticated, had good flavor, and showed a veteran use of ingredients. Tre’s was mature, revealed a classical use of ingredients and execution, and brought together color and texture in a really amazing way.
Tre wins a stack of signed Bourdain books, as well as a future get drunk date next time he is in New York.
Tre returns to the pantry/waiting area to applause, then has to send out the worst: Howie, Brian, Dale, and Clay.
It’s disappointing Brian fried the snake, and the second best line of the night is heard when he says his choices hold up well against frying and Padma pipes in that anything does—even her toe. Now that should elicit more of an eew response than the urchin or snake.
Dale didn’t understand alligator texture and was in over his head on the task.
Howie gets nailed by Bourdain for breaking the first three rules of the kitchen—all of which deal with being on time and timing.
And Clay does not reiterate anything about just eating that somebitch, for he is not sure why he is on the chopping block and stands behind his dishes…though he also makes one too many excuses, and you know how those judges go nuts over excuse-making. He played it to safe, and though he had a good concept couldn’t execute it.
We say goodbye to one of the most flavorful of characters.
I am truly bummed. We don’t have to or get to taste the food (or smell it), so all we poor put-upon viewers have to look forward to, besides the visual presentations, is enjoying the personalities.
And I don’t know how long we can stand hyper Hung.
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