Whole Lotta Smacking Going On
Whole Lotta Smacking Going On (but, The Bitches Can Cook!) by Roxanne McDonald
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The Top Chefs from seasons one and two smack each other around (verbally); the judges feast and smack lips over more than just the fare; and the new season three contestants gets to talk smack before they have even earned the right to do so. |
Just when you thought it was safe to…, goes the saying. To hype the upcoming season of “Top Chef,” Bravo’s popular cook-off series invites back Stephen, Harold, Tiffany, Dave, Ilan, and Marcel to compete against each other for 20,000-dollar prize the winning chef will give to his or her charity of choice.
Immediately miserable are they when they hear they will have to endure yet another Quickfire—this time to establish head chefs for each season/team (and to give one team some kind of advantage). The challenge, to literally cook eggs with one hand tied behind one’s back. Two eggs, ten minutes, one hand…. “Shit,” says Sam.
It was fun to watch Ilan use his mouth on the emersion blender, but it was nicer to watch Sam and others giving each other a hand. (Yep, I said it.)
Stephen goes for the perfect omelet.
Tiffany sets a precedent for herself with parmesan, making parmesan, herb, and cream poached eggs.
Ilan does not do what we expect him to (leaving Ode to the Spanish Breakfast a crack on Marcel’s part, this time). Rather, he does an egg-white omelet with béarnaise sauce.
Harold does parmesan shirred eggs with soy butter.
Elia does panko fried eggs with tarragon and paprika.
Sam does a psychotic dish of fried eggs over pickled cranberries and cherries, cum pine nut vinaigrette.
Dave does Asian spiced scrambled eggs, which Tom will say are as always with Dave, bursting with flavor.
And Marcel, Marcel does his wise-ass thing, not only offering an Ode to the Spanish Breakfast (a jab at Ilan) but adding a saffron foam. He smirks. “What better way to approach a smackdown…?”
The smirky, post show smackee (Marcel was beat up by some goons after the show) pulls it off, however, and gets the title of Head Chef for season/team 2. Stephen, seemingly as stuck-up, gets the opposing title. If his team wins, 20k will go to the Susan G. Komen Foundation; if Marcel’s team takes it, the money goes to Share Our Strength, a hunger fund charity (which makes sense, really).
And they are off. Oops, forgot to note that Stephen got the best of the bake-off accolade, so his team will have the advantage:
That advantage is an extra 100 to spend on a meal for 20. Season 1, then, has 300 to spend on a four course meal; season 2 has 200 to spend on the same for the same. Stephen’s group decides on using the money for wine, but I was thinking the third or fourth time the damned Smackdown/All-Stars episode aired how really, the wine benefits all the players, as the same people are eating all the foods they are slopping down with the wine after.
Anyway.
The smack-talking is for the most part limited to the private interviews (which, of course, are instantly public once that day is over), so we don’t get much sniffing and snorting except when the two teams are housed together and discussing future strategies and Dave starts in or Marcel starts in and Dave says some “let-it-go” stuff about how if Marcel uses emulsions and foams and can do so, if “the bitch can cook let him cook;” and for some reason other than Harold’s considering himself as the one walking two inches off the ground, Harold tells Marcel to settle the f—k down.
Elia is off shaving her head…. Oh, wait, that was coo-coo breakdown of season 2. No, though, she is really quiet and unopinionated this time around. Hmmm.
So after shopping and schlepping, after team 1 is interrupted in their planning by Ilan, who is munching his way through the back room freezers or fridges, and they scurry off to avoid being spied on (aren’t they all in the same damned kitchen? And who could listen in, change recipes and plans, and copy their ideas, anyway, given the little time and even less interest in imitating a style not their own?)—the
individuals take on the separate courses: Elia and Dave are doing the scallops course (appetizer); Marcel and Stephen are of course going head-to-head, on the lobster entree; Harold and Ilan [appropriately, I guess] are competing for best duck; and Sam and Tiffany are on the requisite kobe beef course. No dessert?????
Dave does a cold smoked scallops
Elia does a seared scallops and citrus marmalade with bitter endives salad.
Stephen creates a saffron fondue poached lobster and crulee something.
Marcel creates a lobster duo: melon and tomato and tomato and cilantro, with a lemon gelee and … yehhhssss, foam.
Harold offers a spicy duck meatballs dish with minted gnocchi in braised duck sauce. (Anybody see “Hell’s Kitchen” week one? Rock got slammed for having the gall to offer Chef Ramsey frozen gnocchi. Okay, back to “Top Chef”.)
Ilan, who has knocked over Marcel’s shelf in the fridge, sending his perfectly executed melon dices all over the rubber mats, and who has been scattered “in the weeds” (as Marcel calls it), does what he has time for: pan-roasted almond stuffed duck with wild rice, asparagus, and (I guess since he hadn’t had enough egg) a raw egg(?). Egg tartare? Eeew.
Sam caps that light fare with his seared kobe over mushroom confit.
Tiffany does her meat dessert by serving roasted kobe with creamy parmesan polenta and lobster jus (is what I heard, as in roast beef au jus?).
Now, the judges are Padma and Tom, Gail, and Ted Allen, who expresses graciousness and experienced palate with his food critiques, as well as a cheeky response to someone saying what a “kinda cute” guy Sam is.
Oh, and the other judges? The new, in-coming contestants, those who have not yet earned but will soon learn the rights and aways to the most scalding of criticism.
Which the poor superstar Top Chefs now go through one more time, without the added humiliation of elimination, though. Both Marcel and Stephen, as always, are super confident, but obviously only one of the egos will get to blow:
Elia gets props and the edge for the first course. Harold gets dings but overall edge for the third course; Stephen reigns with the second (and Marcel gets a smacking question about what he was thinking when he brought the gelee/foam out under the humidity and heat). And for the fourth, Tiffany wins with her alternate options of beef offerings…so, the grand prize reputation goes to season one chefs, and the money to Susan G..
Kinda stimulates the palate for “Top Chef: Miami”, which airs Wednesday, June 13th. Kinda.
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